Post Number 24 - Two Years On

It has been a very long time since I made the time to write.  It's always easy to make excuses as to why this can't be done.  Facing how we feel is sometimes difficult, painful, uncomfortable and we want to disregard how we really feel and get on with life and the things that need to be done on a daily basis- no time for feelings, just soldier on. 

For a while now I have been feeling unhappy and not really knowing why.  There is a deep sadness that I cannot explain and I have disconnected with most people and buried myself in my study.  I stay away from Facebook, I don't write many emails and I don't catch up with friends. 

A few weeks ago I booked a week away at Encounter Bay.  The October school holidays pushing my unhappiness to breaking point.  I was asked if I wanted to come along with Sebastian to Hobby Habit and I jumped at the opportunity to give Sebastian a fun time with some friends that he rarely sees.  Long story short, things did not go well and I had a "mini-breakdown".

Rewinding to the beginning of the year...Life was good.  No...life was excellent.  Mark was home working in his office each morning while I spent the morning with Sebastian.  We all came together for lunch and then Mark took Sebastian in the afternoon.  I began studying last year to become a Nutritionist and I was totally enjoying the challenges of study and even the difficulty of some of the subjects such as Anatomy & Physiology and Chemistry & Biochemistry.  But then things changed.

Mark ran out of work and we were once again faced with financial hardship with no real regular income coming in.  After several months of this situation, Mark was finally offered work back at the Credit Union he had worked at before getting sick.  He jumped at the opportunity to re-enter the workplace, and he made arrangements to work 3 full days per week, at the office in the CBD.  It was a great opportunity for him and he looked forward to being with his work colleagues again after so much time away.

This left me home with Sebastian and although he had Kindy to attend, this was only for 2 1/2 days each week.  Months went by and I could feel myself becoming a pressure cooker as I fell further and further behind in my studies while still trying to keep the household running, completing renovations, organising a big 5th birthday party for Sebastian, celebrations for Mark's 2 year post op anniversary, my health & wellness business for which I was now running weekly live webinars, ensuring my Mum's health was in balance and organising the Kindy Open Day, which had mostly fallen on my shoulders.  There just was not enough hours in the day to even come close to keeping my head above water.

So after the "mini-breakdown" at Hobby Habit, I booked a full week away.  After ringing many places and trying to get as good a deal as possible, as our finances really were not looking healthy, I found the perfect place and made the arrangements.  I was to go on my own (with the dog) for the first 4 days so I could focus on my studies and spend some time focussing on myself.

I worked hard ensuring all my errands were run and the boys had food while I was away.  With the car packed and the dog safely secured in the back seat, we headed south.  Once arrived I quickly unpacked and we went for our first exploring walk.  We made it to the beach and walked for kilometres before heading back to the house, getting lost and walking an extra kilometre.  But the wine and cheese went down well as we watched the sky turn orange, before hitting the study books.

Those days were truly magnificent.  Every day the dog and I found a beautiful balance of walks along the beach, followed by intense study, followed by another long walk, a healthy home cooked dinner and more study.  Even the dog was relaxed and loving the new routine.  I felt so happy, so relaxed and so satisfied with the study that I was getting through that I didn't want the peace and the stillness to end.  Friday night came so fast and the boys arrived.  Sebastian had fallen asleep in the car and was very grumpy and didn't even seem happy to see me.  Mark was also a little on edge as was I.  That night was quite tense for us all.

The following morning the tension was still in the air and it took a while for us to all get used to each other again.  It seemed we all enjoyed the novelty of time apart and Sebastian proudly told me how he "didn't miss me one little bit", which didn't help my mood at all.  Eventually, after several talks and a walk along the beach, we all started to reconnect and our close bond was super-glued back together.  What an odd feeling it had been however.

The weekend together was truly wonderful and none of us wanted it to end.  We all agreed that we all needed much more time to really have a good holiday, but there was nothing much we could do now but drive home and get back to our life.  So life goes on again.  But for me, I am still struggling, emotionally distancing myself from people.  One of my closest friends recently moved to Melbourne, so it has been easier for me to withdraw. 

This weekend Mark has gone away to his annual "Boys Weekend" Houseboat trip.  He has been looking forward to it for a while and I am glad that he has this opportunity to "hang" with the blokes and do blokey things and most importantly, that he is healthy enough to be able to do this.  It has not been a strain on me at all, but rather, a chance to spend some quality time with Sebastian. Tonight I decided to watch a movie called "The Fault in Our Stars".  I watched the trailer and knew it was about cancer but I was drawn to watch it.  It wasn't until the very end that I sobbed and sobbed.  Yes, the movie was a tear jerker, no doubt about it.  But it was the bond and the true love that the two characters shared that really hit me.  Lately I have had those horrible "what if" thoughts.  I hate them, but I address them quickly and move on.  But they just won't go away.  We have reached the "Two Year" point already.  So will it come back? What if does? Have I done everything to minimise the risk of it coming back? Do I push him to hard? Do I give him enough time to do the things he wants to do?

I can't live without him.  There...I said it.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM.  He is the reason I breathe, the reason I want to do good in this world, the reason I want to study health and help others. 

When he was sick, he wrote a journal.  He wrote about how he was feeling, both physically and emotionally.  He told me about it, but I couldn't face reading it at the time.  A few months ago, I opened it and started to read it, but it was too intense, so I closed it for another time.  Tonight, I decided to read it and I relived the whole experience through his eyes.  I don't want to go through that again, although I would of course, if it came to that.  I would do anything for him or Sebastian.  But I also fear for my own health.  I have not felt well in quite a while and blood tests have shown that something is not quite right.  How can I help others with their health if I can fix myself?  What if I get sick now? So many questions, I know.  The future is so uncertain and I just don't know what comes next. I guess it comes back to faith and trusting that everything will work out the way it should.

As we head towards the "festive season" or "silly season" as it is commonly known, I wonder if I can lift the sadness that I feel deep inside.  I have lost my faith in people and feel that at every turn I am either being ripped off or spoken to in an unkindly way, and it makes me wonder; "Is there anyone out there that is truly happy to the core as I once was before all this happened?"

Post Number 23 - Keeping the Balance

Life Balance... what do we mean by that?  We have busy lifestyles, we need to go to work, take the kids to school/kindy, attend this or that function/meeting, sports commitments and so on.  But when do we actually just STOP and BREATHE?

I'm as guilty as anyone to work myself into the ground and stress and worry about anything and everyone around me.  I suffer, like many others, of migraines.  They usually come about from eating the wrong foods (MSG or other food enhancers), hormonal peaks or from stress.  The first cause is not really an issue for me anymore as I no longer eat food from places who use these additives.  Hormonal peaks are also under control now and generally no longer a problem for me, but stress is one factor that gets me every time.

Stress is one of those things that seems to creep up on me on a sub-conscious level.  Those of you who know me, know that I am a "talker".  If something is bothering me, I talk about, vent, write a blog post and get it of my chest, which is healthy and means I don't bottle up my emotions.  But sometimes things worry me at a much deeper level and over a few short days it leads into a migraine.  There are times I don't even know I'm stressed and I feel the migraine coming on and wonder where it is coming from.

Recently I have suffered two quite intense migraines and medication did not make a difference.  On the 3rd day of waking up feeling sick and a pounding head, a little voice in a part of my head that was not pounding, said "take the dog for a walk and do a meditation".  What?  Go for a walk? I feel like crawling in a hole, I don't want walk the dog!  "Do it" the quiet voice said.  After 10 minutes of an internal battle, I dragged myself out of bed and grabbed the dog.  I walked with some attitude and even worked up a little sweat.  Then I grabbed an old music/nature sound CD that I had, went into Mark's Office and with the music very loud, I sat cross-legged on the floor, closed my eyes and took some very deep breathes.  There I sat, doing nothing but breathing.

And then something strange happened.  Emotion, deep from my belly, rose to the surface. I could actually feel it rising all the way up to my eyes until it bubbled over.  All the fears and worry that I had been suppressing, that I didn't even know I was suppressing, flowed out.  In in privacy of this beautiful space, I let the tears flow until there was no more.  I acknowledged all the thoughts and emotions one at a time and reminded myself of our faith and our belief that everything is happening in the order it should be.  It will be ok.

From there I left the office and re-entered the house to have breakfast with the two boys who light up my life, clear headed, smiling and migraine completely gone.  Wow, I have never experienced anything like it,  nor have I ever tried tackling a migraine that way, until two weeks later... and it happened again!

Sebastian had been complaining of a stiff neck and I assumed it was due to his new sleeping habit of using way too many pillows.  But a few days later, extra pillows removed from the bed, Sebastian return home from a play date looking very odd.  He was walking like he was wearing a back brace and was not able to bend down to pick anything up or move his head in any direction.  Touching his shoulders resulted in him screaming in pain.

He had been jumping on a trampoline but he assured me that he did not fall or hurt himself in anyway whilst on it.  A phone call to the friend confirmed his story.  Worries of spinal injury or some other serious injury sat heavily in my heart.  A few phone calls later and we were driving him to the local GP.  Although only a few blocks away, Seb screamed as the car hit every little bump in the road.  The doctor, barely touching him, said it was just some locked muscles and to just give him some panadol for a few days.  The next day I had him to the Osteopath and although his muscles had loosened slightly, he was still very locked up.  The treatment worked beautifully and within 24 hours Seb was back to his bouncy, happy self again.

So life went back to normal.  Seb started Kindy, loving every minute and I continued with my studies and my business, but each day, I would wake with a heavy head and a general feeling of unwell....until, you guessed it, another migraine.  What the?  Didn't I just get rid of one of those?  So I  thought I would repeat the process again.  Walk the dog and then just sit.  Same thing happened as last time.  I sobbed and sobbed and realised that I had been so very scared of something terrible happening to Sebastian.  After everything we went through with Mark, the thought of something serious happening to Seb was totally overwhelming.  Letting go of that fear set me free.

So the moral of this story is simple.  Take the time to sit quiet, no distractions and face the feelings and emotions that present themselves. Know that it's ok, you will be able to handle it.  If you need a change in your life, be open to opportunities that come your way.  Life has a funny way of just working itself out providing you are open to allowing it.

It's been several months since these migraines I described.  Since then I have made meditation a regular part of my day.  I feel empowered, alive and more resilient to what life throws at me.  I have not experienced as much as a headache and I am loving life to the fullest.  Ideas and opportunities started to flow and life is all making sense for the first time in nearly two years.

Post Number 22 - The Way Forward

Life is certainly interesting and never boring.  One must never get complacent as we never know what is around the corner.  If you think your job is secure, think again.  Even the best at what they do are expendable.  We thought Mark would always have work (and he was told as much) if and when he wanted it, but it turned out to NOT be the case, at a time when we needed it most.  Suddenly we found ourselves wondering where our next pay cheque would come from and how we would pay for the hot water service that just blew up!

With all savings still wiped out we had not filled that void in our bank account with anything except stress and worry.  Three days went by and I was considering looking for some type work.  And then, out of nowhere, Mark receives a "tweet" asking how he is and would he be interested in some contract programming work.  Holy Cow...where did that come from?

In a week Mark was working again and although the learning curve was a steep one and a little stressful at times, he managed it very well and completed the project on time and was promptly given a second project.  Wow...that was close.

This Christmas we were particularly careful to keep the spending to a minimum.  Mark was extra extra diligent by making sure he spent nothing on presents or special treats (please note a slight hint of sarcasm there)!! Sebastian and I baked and made presents and we experimented with healthier treats to try to keep our waistlines in check.  Unfortunately I have to admit that I failed miserably on that front and managed to put on 3 kilos over the holiday period.  Hmmm...little too much taste testing went on! Oh well, time to reign it in again and stop any cakes, biscuits and sweet treats (and alcohol) and I'm sure the weight will slowly fall off again.

In October I joined an on-line University and began studying Nutritional Medicine.  Over the past 3 months I have enjoyed the study immensely.  I find it so amazingly interesting and the thought of helping people to a healthier and happier lifestyle fills me with joy, as does my business which has the same goals.  The study has however, been quite intense at times and I had my first on-line exam to complete by the end of December (no breaks for Christmas).  I had fallen quite a bit behind while juggling business, life in general, Christmas preparations and study, and for the first time in 6 months, I fell ill.  Not seriously, but enough to listen to my body and know that life had been out of balance and stress had taken over.

Never underestimate "stress".  It will make you very ill and can manifest in hundreds of different ways. Sometimes subtle, then maybe a bit louder like a flu or another illness that takes you out for a week or more, then even louder like cancer, stroke, heart disease or some other major illness!  Stress is so under-rated and not talked about, but it is very real.  I have experienced it myself many times over my working career, both in management positions in large companies and during the times when I was part owner of a small business.  I/we believe stress was a factor in Mark's diagnosis.  I say a factor as there is no one thing that you can point your finger at and say that's how it happened.  It's all the things in your life that contribute to your overall health and well-being.   You can be the healthiest eater on the planet but if you never exercise, work long hours and have a constant feeling of stress or anxiety, then your life is not in balance.

Nutritional Medicine is all about treating the person as a whole - the holistic approach.  Looking at the diet is important, but so are other factors such as happiness and lifestyle.  I love it so much as it falls right into our beliefs of keeping "life in balance".

Mark has been enjoying weekly yoga classes and we made our Saturday mornings work around this so he could have his time and we then enjoy a hearty brunch on his return.  Yoga classes are

on break at the moment, so I joined a 4 week dog training course and our Saturday brunch tradition continues (only this time Mark cooks).  It's awesome and important that we have our little "time-outs" to enjoy something a little different.

Talking about something different, let me tell you about "Nature Sounds".  Our tenant Eric, who we now consider our friend, records nature sounds.  It's his love and passion and at first I thought..."hmmm..ok, whatever floats your boat!"  I listened to some of them and thought "yep...that is the sound of running water alright".  But then we got to talking and Eric is more than just a guy who likes the sounds of nature.  He has a PhD on the subject and knows all about how sounds effect the brain and different frequencies and so on.  After one of our little kitchen chats, we decided to listen to some of his sounds to help us to relax and go to sleep.  We chose the "Birds of Australia" album.  Well knock me down with a feather if we didn't both fall asleep within 10 minutes.  We thought, hmm, sure we were just tired.  But night after night, we fell asleep listening to birds and within a very short space of time.  It's been weeks now and while we have had the occasional night where we haven't fallen asleep instantly, the results have been nothing but astounding.  Of course I want to share it with you; www.feeltherelaxation.com.  Eric has even given me a discount code to share with all my friends and blog readers.  When purchasing anything from his site, use the code REF-IS-10off to receive 10% off anything in your shopping cart. You can use his material for any type of relaxation, in the car, meditation or like us, just trying to shut down the brain and go to sleep.  I dare you to give it a try!  For more information about the man behind the sounds, you can read about him at http://www.australian-nature-sounds.com/philosophy/index.html. 

So now we are in 2014 which brings with it some new routines and experiences as Sebastian starts his education years, starting at Kindergarten.  He has already attended 2 short sessions and thoroughly enjoyed them.  He even completed the most amazing painting on his first day.  He is just growing up so fast and I will him to slow down, but he tells me that he just can't stop growing, so I have to face this reality, although very reluctantly.  But I feel now, I have a new path to look forward to.  I have my business and my study and a husband and child who light up my life, so what more could I ask for?  Even the air-conditioner breaking down cannot dampen my spirits, well...maybe a little, but all will be well and everything will work itself out as it should.  Keep the faith and keep moving forward....