For a while now I have been feeling unhappy and not really knowing why. There is a deep sadness that I cannot explain and I have disconnected with most people and buried myself in my study. I stay away from Facebook, I don't write many emails and I don't catch up with friends.
A few weeks ago I booked a week away at Encounter Bay. The October school holidays pushing my unhappiness to breaking point. I was asked if I wanted to come along with Sebastian to Hobby Habit and I jumped at the opportunity to give Sebastian a fun time with some friends that he rarely sees. Long story short, things did not go well and I had a "mini-breakdown".
Rewinding to the beginning of the year...Life was good. No...life was excellent. Mark was home working in his office each morning while I spent the morning with Sebastian. We all came together for lunch and then Mark took Sebastian in the afternoon. I began studying last year to become a Nutritionist and I was totally enjoying the challenges of study and even the difficulty of some of the subjects such as Anatomy & Physiology and Chemistry & Biochemistry. But then things changed.
Mark ran out of work and we were once again faced with financial hardship with no real regular income coming in. After several months of this situation, Mark was finally offered work back at the Credit Union he had worked at before getting sick. He jumped at the opportunity to re-enter the workplace, and he made arrangements to work 3 full days per week, at the office in the CBD. It was a great opportunity for him and he looked forward to being with his work colleagues again after so much time away.
This left me home with Sebastian and although he had Kindy to attend, this was only for 2 1/2 days each week. Months went by and I could feel myself becoming a pressure cooker as I fell further and further behind in my studies while still trying to keep the household running, completing renovations, organising a big 5th birthday party for Sebastian, celebrations for Mark's 2 year post op anniversary, my health & wellness business for which I was now running weekly live webinars, ensuring my Mum's health was in balance and organising the Kindy Open Day, which had mostly fallen on my shoulders. There just was not enough hours in the day to even come close to keeping my head above water.
So after the "mini-breakdown" at Hobby Habit, I booked a full week away. After ringing many places and trying to get as good a deal as possible, as our finances really were not looking healthy, I found the perfect place and made the arrangements. I was to go on my own (with the dog) for the first 4 days so I could focus on my studies and spend some time focussing on myself.
I worked hard ensuring all my errands were run and the boys had food while I was away. With the car packed and the dog safely secured in the back seat, we headed south. Once arrived I quickly unpacked and we went for our first exploring walk. We made it to the beach and walked for kilometres before heading back to the house, getting lost and walking an extra kilometre. But the wine and cheese went down well as we watched the sky turn orange, before hitting the study books.
Those days were truly magnificent. Every day the dog and I found a beautiful balance of walks along the beach, followed by intense study, followed by another long walk, a healthy home cooked dinner and more study. Even the dog was relaxed and loving the new routine. I felt so happy, so relaxed and so satisfied with the study that I was getting through that I didn't want the peace and the stillness to end. Friday night came so fast and the boys arrived. Sebastian had fallen asleep in the car and was very grumpy and didn't even seem happy to see me. Mark was also a little on edge as was I. That night was quite tense for us all.
The following morning the tension was still in the air and it took a while for us to all get used to each other again. It seemed we all enjoyed the novelty of time apart and Sebastian proudly told me how he "didn't miss me one little bit", which didn't help my mood at all. Eventually, after several talks and a walk along the beach, we all started to reconnect and our close bond was super-glued back together. What an odd feeling it had been however.
The weekend together was truly wonderful and none of us wanted it to end. We all agreed that we all needed much more time to really have a good holiday, but there was nothing much we could do now but drive home and get back to our life. So life goes on again. But for me, I am still struggling, emotionally distancing myself from people. One of my closest friends recently moved to Melbourne, so it has been easier for me to withdraw.
This weekend Mark has gone away to his annual "Boys Weekend" Houseboat trip. He has been looking forward to it for a while and I am glad that he has this opportunity to "hang" with the blokes and do blokey things and most importantly, that he is healthy enough to be able to do this. It has not been a strain on me at all, but rather, a chance to spend some quality time with Sebastian. Tonight I decided to watch a movie called "The Fault in Our Stars". I watched the trailer and knew it was about cancer but I was drawn to watch it. It wasn't until the very end that I sobbed and sobbed. Yes, the movie was a tear jerker, no doubt about it. But it was the bond and the true love that the two characters shared that really hit me. Lately I have had those horrible "what if" thoughts. I hate them, but I address them quickly and move on. But they just won't go away. We have reached the "Two Year" point already. So will it come back? What if does? Have I done everything to minimise the risk of it coming back? Do I push him to hard? Do I give him enough time to do the things he wants to do?
I can't live without him. There...I said it. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM. He is the reason I breathe, the reason I want to do good in this world, the reason I want to study health and help others.
When he was sick, he wrote a journal. He wrote about how he was feeling, both physically and emotionally. He told me about it, but I couldn't face reading it at the time. A few months ago, I opened it and started to read it, but it was too intense, so I closed it for another time. Tonight, I decided to read it and I relived the whole experience through his eyes. I don't want to go through that again, although I would of course, if it came to that. I would do anything for him or Sebastian. But I also fear for my own health. I have not felt well in quite a while and blood tests have shown that something is not quite right. How can I help others with their health if I can fix myself? What if I get sick now? So many questions, I know. The future is so uncertain and I just don't know what comes next. I guess it comes back to faith and trusting that everything will work out the way it should.
As we head towards the "festive season" or "silly season" as it is commonly known, I wonder if I can lift the sadness that I feel deep inside. I have lost my faith in people and feel that at every turn I am either being ripped off or spoken to in an unkindly way, and it makes me wonder; "Is there anyone out there that is truly happy to the core as I once was before all this happened?"
