Post Number 55 - Struggle Street

Writing a post has been on my mind for several weeks now, but I have felt unable to write-almost paralysed in some respects.  Time is always an issue but I have always made time in the past.  Why has this been so difficult?  I feel the only answer is the overwhelming cloud of grief that has totally consumed me.  After nearly 10 months without Mark, it seems like it is only just hitting home that he is gone and gone for good.

My first months without him seemed to be about survival and getting on with things and keeping Sebastian happy and ensuring all his needs where met, including counselling support.  My studies consumed me and there just wasn't time for anything else.  Friends seem all but gone, except for new friends made through my grief support group or friends through college.  I feel alone, so empty, so unsure of the future.  I feel quite numb and passionless, just trying to get through each day.

I completed my horrendous exam and I thought I had done quite well, only to be disappointed with a 65% grade.  Yes, it's a pass, be grateful I hear you say, and I am.  But if you saw the 70 plus hours I put in to studying for that exam, to only get a pass, you may understand my disappointment.  An assignment from another subject returned a failed mark, which further kicked me down.  A wake up call if you like, not to be complacent with my work and that I must clearly define "creative writing" and "academic writing".  It was my first fail in over two years of study and it wasn't a particularly difficult assignment.

School holidays couldn't come fast enough for me and I could tell that Sebastian also needed a break from the daily grind of school.  He was becoming more emotional and started showing signs of aggression.  I was struggling to know how to deal with his outbursts when I myself also wanted to kick the couch and stomp around the house in a bad mood.  Even his teacher contacted me to ask if everything was alright at home.  I wanted to scream…"No, everything is NOT alright.  Mark is gone and he's never coming back.  Things will never be ok again". 

 As the weeks droned on, I worked hard to finish my schoolwork for an online subject that I was still working on, so that I could have the full two weeks of the school holidays to spend with Sebastian.  I booked four nights away at a small seaside town called Port Elliott, so Sebastian and I could spend some quality time together.  In these weeks leading up to the holidays, I managed to come across Mark's journal while looking for some files for one of his previous clients.  I quickly scrolled through the 22 pages.  Had I read this?  Some of it seemed familiar but not all of it.  Then, right at the bottom, on a new page were the words, "by the way, I have made you both some videos and they are located …."  I read it over and over.  What?  He had made some videos for us?  I went searching and sure enough I found them.  I grabbed a box of tissues, plugged in my headset and started watching them.  He had made two videos, around 5 minutes each.  One addressed us both and he expressed how much he loved us both and that he was not worried or scared about himself, but only sorry that he might not be around for us and that he would be leaving us all alone.  The second video addressed Sebastian and he wanted him to understand that while he may feel different to other kids his age, much like he did, this is actually a good thing and a special quality.  He admitted that even as an adult, he struggled with this.  He also wanted Sebastian to never be afraid to try new things and not be be afraid of making mistakes as this is how we learn.  And to do anything that makes his heart sing, as he has the ability to be anything he wants to be, all things Mark struggled with in adulthood.

It was so difficult to watch, so confronting having him sitting in front of his computer, predicting his end of life, and yet it was so beautiful at the same time.  It showed his true character, his courage and his contentment with life.  He expressed his love for us and his gratitude for all that we had given him to complete his life goals.  He was happy yet sad to be leaving us. 

Finally the holidays arrived and we packed the car and headed off.  The car was packed with activities and games and of course, the videos of Mark which I had yet to tell Sebastian about.  We watched them on the first day and Sebastian seemed quite emotionless.  Later that day we watched the movie Inside Out and I cried at several points in the movie, which seemed to open the floodgates for me.  Soon we were both crying and the pressure started to release from us both.

For the rest of the week in our seaside cottage, we were inseparable.  We played games, painted pictures, cooked delicious food, explored shops, walked along the beach and even played piano together on our portable keyboard.  The end of the week came so quickly and Sebastian sobbed at the thought of going home.  I have to admit that I also wanted to cry at the prospect of going back to  reality.  

Once home again, the heavy load that had lifted, came right back.  The holidays are speeding past and soon we will both be back at school.  My body physically aches, my neck and shoulders in pain all day.  My physical pain seems to reflect my emotional pain.  We eat healthier than anyone I know and yet, my body seems so broken.  It has made me wonder, "Does grief actually biologically change the body?  Is the mind so powerful that it is manifesting a physical pain? Why is my weight ballooning out of control when I am not comfort eating nor snacking nor eating high calorie, high carbohydrate food?"

I can't seem to get out of this rut that I am in.  The pressure of organising a birthday party for Sebastian on my own, overwhelming.  And then in the same month, feeling the need to acknowledge my 50th birthday in some memorable way.  Constant arguing with my mother also feeding the depression and feelings of incompetence.  She provides me with little comfort and little companionship.  But it pleases me to see Sebastian playing games with her and occasionally playing piano with her and the convenience of having a live-in babysitter is gold for me.  The simple pleasures of taking the dog for a walk in the morning before breakfast, or popping out for a quick trip to the shop or the video machine would not be possible without her presence.  So I am stuck in this predicament of not being able to live with her and not being able to live without her.  It's crippling and soul destroying to say the least.

So where do I go from here?  I really don't know.  I know I need to study and I know I need to breathe.  Meditation and yoga need to be incorporated some how and I need to find a way to make this happen.  It's the only way that I feel can address my situation.   A way to calm the mind and allow the body to sleep at night and restore itself.  A way to allow the fog in my brain to lift so that I can study properly and achieve all I want to achieve with this degree.  Yes, I believe this is the way forward.  Make it happen woman, make it happen.