By now, my physical health is at an all-time low and I was barely functioning on any level. I was eating a perfect diet, sleeping deeply for eight hours, and yet feeling like I had been hit by a bus, day-in-day-out. I was constantly arguing with Mum and even blowing up at Sebastian. I had lost all enthusiasm and passion for study and for life in general. I was at breaking point.
I knew I had to make some changes and I made a new friend at College who is a qualified Reiki practioner and she offered to "give me some relief". I had little knowledge about Reiki and felt that it couldn't hurt to give it a go. I also signed up for a six week yoga/meditation course, timed well during the late afternoon once a week. It meant Seb being in OSHC yet another day, but I felt it was important that I attend. Then I was reminded that College has clinic rooms that we can access, a place where we will all do "Clinic Time" as part of our degree. For a total sum of $15, I could have all sorts of treatments at my disposal. So I booked in for Tua Na, a Chinese practice of accupuncture without the needles, with the plan to balance my hormones which I thought may need some adjustment.
So I attended my first Reiki session. It was lovely, relaxing, nothing out of the ordinary. Not sure if I really felt any different, just a little relaxed I guess. It was a Friday and I went ahead with my normal day and had an OK weekend with Sebastian. Monday morning I hit the study books as usual, but by lunchtime, I found that I was unable to read one more word or listen to one more minute of a lecture. My body just said "STOP". I felt there was nothing I could do. Perhaps I just needed a little lay down, "cat nap" to recharge myself? I lay down on the bed and covered myself, feeling cold. I curled up in a tight ball and tears started to flow. Soon there was a river and hours later, it looked like a naughty kitten had attacked the tissue box! I fell asleep, exhausted, mentally and physically spent. It was late afternoon and luckily Sebastian was at OSHC, so I did not need to rush for school pick-up.
Later that week I experienced my first Tua Na session. I dragged myself in to College. The lovely student gave me the instruction, "just down the hall, second door to the left". I felt panicked, these instructions were just too complex for me. How many doors down? Right? Left? I'm not sure. Once in the room, she asked me a few very basic questions, like "so how are you feeling today?" and "so what brings you here today?". Within seconds, the floodgates opened and I was sobbing and gasping for air. She was so kind and understanding, resting her hand gently on my arm and telling me "it's ok". Then she completed her treatment, including a lovely head massage, for no other reason but to make me feel somewhat better than I had gone in. And indeed, I felt better and able to face six long hours of lectures.
By now I was learning new things about Bach Flowers, energy and what is meant by holistic. You see, you can have the best diet in the world, but if you are not addressing the root cause of the illness, the problem will not go away. The Reiki opened up the spiritual pathways, the Tua Na, the physical blockages in the liver and spleen, caused by months and months of stress, often unconscious stress. I then began daily doses of Bach Flowers and a second Reiki treatment. I also took Sebastian for a treatment. I was so hesitant at first, unsure if this would be right for him, but I was assured it would be ok and he could stop at any time if he felt uncomfortable. I watched on as his body relaxed and he felt the presence of his father and his flock of protecting Angels. The weight of the world that he was carrying, lifted and removed from his little shoulders. I too had a much different experience this second time. A deep, deep trance-like state and I could see the bright light coming from the Angels, just as Sebastian had seen. My first yoga/meditation session went well and a second Tua Na also seemed to enhance my vitality.
I started walking with a spring in my step. And I got off the tram 2-3 stops early and just walked, enjoying the warm sun on my face, even daring to smile to myself. I started to get excited about Sebastian's birthday party and even organised cooking a dinner for ten for my 50th Birthday, all on a day that I had a 3-6pm lecture in the CBD! I also signed up with "Hello Fresh", a system of meal planning and raw ingredient supply. I had heard of this system a long long time ago and often received discount offers to sign up. But cooking is my thing, how could I hand over the meal planning to an external source? But I decided that I needed to be a little kinder to myself and hey, no one would have to know. The meals are very nutritious, the raw ingredients fresh and I would still be the one doing the cooking.
The day of my Birthday was perfect. Preparations for the evening meal done, I squeezed in a quick massage for no reason except "just because", then in to the city for a beautiful lunch with a beautiful friend, followed by a lecture at College, followed by a wonderful night full of warm hugs, a slow cooker meal, love and laughter. I could not have planned a better day and most of it just fell in to place with very little stress.
Then it was Sebastian's turn to have a big day. An early start and his friends all arrived on time. With the lounge room re-arranged, decorations already done, table set, all 16 of his friends filled the lounge room. The noise was deafening and I began to wonder, "what on earth was I thinking?". But then, the Magician began his show. The children all sat on the floor, mesmerised by his talents, laughing at his antics and applauding his tricks. Once the show was over, the children squeezed into the dining area to eat, drink and be
merry. This was followed by running around in the garden, followed by the bashing of the home-made Piñata, which to my surprise, held together so everyone could at least have one good bash at it. Yes, I have to say, it was a huge success on every level and I enjoyed the whole experience of hosting our first children's party at home. 
So that was last week! This week has been somewhat calmer, except for exams. Two down, one to go this Saturday. I still have a lot of study to do, but my whole outlook is different. I don't feel stressed, concerned perhaps is a better word, but calm. Mark is with me, I know that. I talk to him every night and even during the day sometimes. I ask for his help and he tells me that I can do it without him. "I know", I say, "but still, you can help me right?" I joke. I don't feel like Mark has missed my milestone birthday or that he wasn't there to see Sebastian's magical party. He was there, experiencing it in a different way. He even played a trick on me with the candles on my cake. I blew them out, and they kept relighting. One candle in particular, I blew out more than three times and yet it kept on relighting itself. I smiled at Sebastian who was by my side and I finally snuffed it by wetting my fingers and putting it out. "Very funny", I said aloud to him. "Thank you for letting me know you're here." I know it may sound a little crazy to some, but I have had too many signs and too many different confirmations to know that it is not all in my mind.
So each day my body grows a little stronger and my diet has been somewhat average with all the festivities, but I know now, that I am on a path of healing and my body will follow. I feel happy and somewhat excited about the future. My passion for my studies has returned and I fill full rather than empty and alone. I still have a lot of life left in me, so I better get on with it!
