I continued meeting with this mysterious online stranger for nearly four weeks, seeing each other several times each week. With every encounter, our attraction to each other continued to intensify and a weekend escape was organised, to provide an opportunity for uninterrupted time together and intimacy. The lead up to this weekend became sexually supercharged, the closer it came to the date.
I had no expectations on how this time away would look, but simply organised all the food, so that we would not need to leave our accommodation for the duration of our two night stay. We enjoyed the most delicious meal at a nearby country pub, with exquisite fine dining food, before we made our way to the little bed and breakfast that I had arranged.
After nearly three full days of
complete immersion into each other, returning to the reality of life hit hard.
While away, our phones were silent and any outside pressure bounced off our invisible
forcefield. There had been no need to dress, apply makeup or style the hair. Simply to
"be" in the present moment with the present company. No expectations,
no worries, just discovery in the self and in the relationship.
Conversation came easily, as did the seemingly constant love making.
Tenderness, gentleness and care, always at the forefront of all activities, it
was hard to not feel the love that was being generated. Sleep was difficult however. The unfamiliar environment, the bed, although not
uncomfortable, not one's own, and the sharing of this place of sleep with another.
Both wanting the other to feel relaxed and content in sleep, somewhat compromising
our own opportunity for deep slumber.
Leaving our love nest came with a flood of realisation that we had to return
home. Delaying this process a little seemed an obvious choice, as did heading
straight to the coast. But being out in public again felt uncomfortable, not to
mention the extreme heat and stuffy, unairconditioned cafes.
My head filled with all the things I had let go of when I had entered our love
bubble. My work, my home life and of course, if I could make a future with this
man that I had been naked and fully exposed with. I had given myself completely to
him, and I began questioning whether I had left myself too exposed, and suddenly I
felt vulnerable again.
Our time together exceeded all expectations, although there hadn't been many
expectations to speak about. We seemed to be physically compatible and enjoyed
all aspects of our intimacy, without concerns or secret worries. So why was I
in any way doubtful?
Coming back home, I forewarned of what was likely to happen when I walk through
those doors, my prediction accurate. Animals left uncared for in
blistering heat, it was difficult to stay calm. I snapped and spoke harshly to
those in my household, while my new lover witnessed the side of me that I had been hiding
since our relationship first began. My frustration and the weight that I carry
every normal day of my life, and my crumbling beneath it, now fully exposed for him to witness.
He appeared unconcerned and even understanding of my emotions, but secretly I
wondered if his feelings had now changed, and if he was taken aback by what he
had seen and heard. When he left, the energy felt different. There was no mention of
the word "Love", as there had been during our brief escape, and the parting kiss not as passionate. There were no other words of reconnecting
or "missing" each other, as there had been at every other parting of ways. Even the evening
texting, not as sexually charged as before, but perhaps this was because that
side of the relationship had now been addressed.
There was understandably, a lot for both of us to emotionally process. In just
four short weeks, our relationship had accelerated at light speed, and our feelings had progressed much deeper into the area of falling in love with each other. I had no more secrets, nothing more to uncover, my life and myself, now fully
cracked open and vulnerable. The shield around my heart almost fully gone, but
still hanging on in fear of what may come next. Could anyone ever fit into my crazy and often intense life? Could I ever have love again, and if so, was he the one? Logically, one
would say yes, and yet I felt a hesitation without rationale. I felt so
confused and conflicted, now back in my home environment, I no longer knew what
to think or feel.
I sat with all the uncertainty, unable to focus on the tasks now in front
of me. The household duties, grocery shopping and food preparation for those
who depend on me. The endless "To Do List" that is life, or at least, my life. I drowned myself in tasks, and asked my spirit guides, "What comes next?" and hoped the
answers were the ones that I longed for, and not another "life lesson" that I need to
endure.
A few days later, we met again, and the longing for each other's company had returned. He now knew where I lived, had spent time with Sebastian, and we even spent a day on a project together with Sebastian. A quest to purchase new baby heritage breed chickens, which we would pick up from the Adelaide Hills, became one of our "dates". Together as a threesome, we built an enclosure for the our new pets to live in, separate from our adult hens, then headed up to the hills for a lovely country style lunch. We purchased food and supplies for our new arrivals, and Sebastian picked out his little babies, before heading home and settling them in. The day flowed so easily and effortlessly, as if this man was already part of our family. How could this be after such a short time together?
On another occasions, we cooked together, producing healthful food made with care and love, each encounter feeling natural, easy and effortless. It was like watching a Hollywood love story. A fantasy, a fairytale, and surely not how it happens in real life, and yet it was. But there were complications. Not in our relationship or our growing love for each other, but in his housing arrangements, and I began having concerns as each week passed.
I had now opened up my whole world to him, even my workplace, and yet I had not been introduced to any of his family or even seen his home, due to the other people living there, mainly his ex-wife. This made opportunities for intimacy very limited, and I began feeling doubtful and worried once more.
A beachside holiday came next as the school holidays were fast coming to an end. An opportunity to spend quality time alone with Sebastian was called for, before he would start another year at high school. Our familiar beach shack accommodation, provided us with much needed time to breathe and reconnect with each other, but my boy seemed distant once more. We talked, I asked questions, and tried to find answers to his low mood, assuming it must have something to do with this new man who had entered our world. He assured me however, that it had nothing to do with that, but more about him trying to find his place in this world, his purpose, his people, and a meaning to his skills and talents. He also seemed to no longer connect spiritually with his father, and no matter how much evidence I showed him of his presence, he continued to be dismissive.
Twice daily long walks on the beach, sometimes with, and others without conversation followed, as well as a visit from my new love interest. He was keen for our dogs to meet, as he wanted to be able to spend time with me, without ignoring his dog's needs for companionship. I was doubtful that this was going to go well, as my dog, now quite old and often moody, generally preferred her own space. His dog young, bounding with endless energy, large and full of life. I appreciated that we needed to give this a try, so we arranged to meet at the beach that we were holidaying at. To my surprise, the meeting went amazingly well. My grumpy old schnauzer, seemingly following his dog around, even greeting people and other dogs, a personality trait that was NOT her own. Back at the holiday shack, my girl showed this young adolescent who was boss, and he happily allowed her to have this role, despite having the capacity to dominate her in an instant. As the darkness came, the two dogs shared a very small lounge room space, at one stage, laying on the floor, face to face, with only half a metre between them. I could not believe what I was witnessing, as there was no way that this should have worked, and yet, it did.
It seems everything that should be complicated in this relationship, seems effortless, at least almost everything. One evening, I explained how I was feeling, somewhat concerned about how it would be received. I could not hide my concerns any longer, especially as they had been keeping me awake at night. He appreciated my honesty, and we talked long and deeply about his situation, all while assuring me that this would soon be rectified.
So I take some deep breaths, trust in what comes next, and try to keep my focus on the here and now. At this moment, I feel loved, even cherished. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, he swoops in and takes the weight away. When I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, he gives me energy and calm. When I feel unworthy, he makes me feel precious and valuable. Never have I felt so content since Mark left this world. Never have I felt so calm and happy, when the pressures of my life are still very much front and centre. On paper, he would not have been someone I would have chosen. He is nothing like Mark, nor does he need to be. Logically, it shouldn't fit, and yet it does. The minute I am in his arms, I soften and feel relaxed. No one has done this to me before, and the feeling is intoxicating for me. I don't like being hard and intense, but felt this was just who I was. But I am now discovering a new side of myself, one that he unknowingly brings out in me, and I like it a lot.
