As the world continued to turn, fight, bomb and kill each other, we had our own war brewing in our household, as I watched my beautiful renovation become more and more cluttered again. I tried my best to keep my cool with my Mum, but the stress of having her in the household continued to grow. Our dear Elsa became sick, and almost overnight, she was gone. A sad time indeed, as we were all left shocked at how suddenly she left us.
Guilt crept in. Had I done enough? Had I loved her enough? Maybe I should have realised sooner that she was not feeling the best. But I had to let that go. I did the best that I could for her, despite her challenging behaviours. We took her on holidays and on beach walks and I exercised her most days, and trained her to competition level. While it's true that I never felt that deep connection that I did with my little Maltese X Benji, I did love her, it just took me a long time to see past her behaviour and into her troubled soul. But she was there for me when Mark left, and cuddled with me when I was at my lowest, and for that, I will always be grateful to her.
But then I had other thoughts on my mind and other things to look forward to. My cousin from Germany was finally coming to visit us again, after the four years of COVID craziness, only this time, staying for 3 months, rather than 3 weeks, as she had now retired from the workforce. This was most exciting and I was using this excuse to move Mum back to the retirement village, as she would need better accommodation when staying for this longer period of time. Reluctantly Mum moved back again, and we talked about our relationship and how I needed her to stay permanently this time, for the sake of my own health. She seemed to understand this, and settled in quite quickly to her new surroundings and lifestyle without much complaint or guilt trips.
Work was busier than ever, and my assistant was working out great. She ensured my appointment blocks were filled and clients had everything they needed, while I focused on the consultations and getting ready for our overseas arrival.
Regina arrived with her ever glowing smile and her loving energy and I was excited to show her the beautiful living space that I had created for her, along with the private balcony which I knew she would love. With sea views and cool sea breezes, this would be the perfect summer apartment for her. She was blown away and so excited to be with us again.
After a few days of settling in and clearing the jetlag, we talked intensely about Sebastian, my Mum and my work. Sebastian had been so low, hating school and refusing to go. He simply walked out and never went back, two weeks before the end of the school year. We had already arranged a new school for him for the new year, but he just couldn't bare attending school any longer for this year. His energy was angry, depressed, argumentative and so very heavy and dark, and nothing I did improved it. Even Regina's happy energy did little to bring the beautiful little boy inside, out to the surface.
An opportunity to purchase a puppy came about, and I questioned him about this. Would he like to have a little dog of his own? He would need to train it and look after it, but it could sleep in his room and be his little friend. He thought about it long and hard and asked if I would go through with the very expensive purchase of a little cavoodle puppy. He contributed half the money, and we now had the long wait until our little fluff ball would be old enough to leave his Mum and join our little family.
At the very same time, my clinic room had been transformed into a room that no longer resembled Me and my practice. I was told to remove my big ugly desk and was given a tiny white desk with a glass top to work with. My black drawers had to be replaced with white ones, and I was told that I would not be able to use the room on Wednesdays and that my rent would be going up 25%. Everything felt uncomfortable at the clinic and the other girls also felt insecure and unhappy. Within a week, they all quit and I was left wondering what on earth was happening. With no clinicians and no clients walking through the door, and a room that I no longer liked or could afford, there was no longer any reason to stay.
At the very same time this was happening, a Naturopath colleague was having similar discussions around rent at her clinic space, and after a short discussion, and a quick walk through, I decided to move my clinic stuff for the 4th time in 4 years. I couldn't believe I was doing this again, when I had been so happy in the space and the energy that I was in. It worked so beautifully for my assistant as well, and I had good relationships with the businesses around me. To start over again overwhelmed me, and my mind went straight back to "why am I doing this exactly?".
But this time I had my assistant to help me, and my cousin by my side, to support me physically and emotionally, and within a few weeks I was back in business at my new shared location. Did I feel at home in this space? Not really. I needed to change many things about how I ran the business, but these were all cost saving practices anyway, so a good opportunity to review everything. I had given up trying to control everything and found peace in having a professional clinic space, despite it being set up for a Naturopath. It would do for now, and so conveniently located at the bottom of my home street, it meant I could be home quickly if need be and would allow me to be home more for the new puppy when he arrived.
Christmas came and went, almost as quickly as New Years, and no sooner had we put up the decorations, we were pulling them down again, and planning the next adventure and project. Our puppy was due to arrive very soon, and we also had another significant renovation to prepare for as well as a 5 day beach holiday. Whoa...so much to organise and prepare. We picked up our little puppy and we all fell instantly in love with him. Sebastian named him Leo, and he was just a joy. But like all puppies, he came with a significant caring workload. Between us though, we managed really well, and little Leo took it in turns to sleep in our bedrooms, so that the other could get some rest. To say that it was like having a baby all over again, is totally accurate. The early morning toilet trips, the 3-4 feeds per day, watching to make sure he doesn't chew or put something harmful in his mouth, completely exhausting. But then, he was so loving and sweet, the stress soon melted away.
Sebastian's mood also seemed to lift a little, but he became quite exhausted being a puppy daddy. We joked that he was no longer a little boy but a young man and a daddy, and he did not like this at all. Sebastian was significantly taller than me, and still extremely thin. Being told he was now a young adult did not fit with how he felt, and we soon stopped the teasing.
Our week away together, in our little summer shack, was truly blissful. I was quite stressed about how we would all fit in this tiny house, 3 adults and a puppy, but somehow, it worked wonderfully, and much fun in the sun and special moments was had by us all. Even little Leo was quite chilled and took to his new surroundings quite well, considering that he had only just settled in at our family home the week before.
We came home again full of life and contentment, and worked hard to bring the house back together after the renovation, and I continued my nutrition work on some days in between. By now Regina was feeling quite independent and like a local, as she had mastered the public transport system and used my bike to get around to local places like the outdoor pool. She had also completed several practice bike runs with Sebastian to his new school, so that he would feel confident riding his new bike and navigating the unfamiliar streets to school. This was quite a transition from riding a bus each day.
On Seb's first day of school, I had to work, and I was unable to ride with him as I had planned, so Regina picked up the Mummy reigns and jumped in. She rode with him and into the school yard, where he was immediately recognised by staff who were ready to show him the way to the bike racks and to his starting classroom. Regina then rode on to the outdoor pool, knowing that he was in good hands and being well looked after. As he arrived home, she welcomed him with a delicious tea and a snack, while they chatted about their days.
From that day on, Regina was known as Mummy 2, and she had personally taken on this role, to support us both. She would give him life lessons, loads of laughs and encouraged him in all aspects of his life. She made countless pots of tea for after school and before bed, and we both looked forward to her daily tea creations. Sebastian loved his new school and felt supported, safe and challenged with interesting subjects and content. As each day went past, we saw a little more of the beautiful young man that we knew was just under the surface. He smiled, joked and laughed again, and his bond with his little Leo grew strong. Our daily "Happy Hour" became a truly happy time for us all.
By now, February was drawing to a close, and my well adjusted, part of the family cousin, was preparing herself for her journey home, to cold, grey Germany. We spent much of her last two weeks together, Fringing, Picnicking, Dancing, singing and laughing our heads off, with all talk of leaving banned from conversation. She was now part of the furniture, Sebastian's other Mummy, and my closest friend and confidant. We had cooked together, watched sunsets together, even ran a Retreat together, and our sister like souls well and truly intertwined.
But it was time for her to return to her new life as a retiree in a very unsettled part of the world. The war in Ukraine now 2 years on, the continued unrest in the middle east, and the threat of China and America wanting to dominate the world, little Adelaide seemed like the safest place on earth to be. But Regina had close friends and a retirement plan of living on an organic farm and community to look forward to in her home land, but also the grey dark winters. Discussions around a repeat of this trip was well received and this made saying goodbye much easier, knowing that in nine months time, we would hopefully be saying "welcome back" yet again.
So I sit on what is now "my" balcony. A space in my house that has not been "mine" for eight years. A space to stop and reflect, breathe and be in the present moment. Feeling the heat of the day, but the cool fresh sea breeze, is something that Regina had enjoyed for the past 3 months, and now it's mine to enjoy. The king size bed, with its adjoining bathroom, "mine" to enjoy. It's now time for me to enjoy all the things my home and garden can bring me. The birds, the nature and the opportunities to be content with myself and who I am, without a man or my mother to bring me down. I have many life and business decisions to make and potential directions to take the business. There are business opportunities or ones that may fall flat. I know in my soul, that I really have no control at all of what comes next. The illusion that we can actually take our life in a particular direction, long gone. My to do list is endless, but I find it difficult to make a start. Being right here and right now, is all I can handle right now. The loss of my Mummy 2 and best Friend leaving a gaping hole that needs time to mend. So for now, I will lose myself in my fresh clean balcony apartment, and reflect on the good times we had and the future of new good times and adventures we are yet to have.
