Hello fellow readers! I always know when I need to write a blog as I feel all the emotion build up inside and I spend all day trying to keep it together. Talking to people does not help me as everyone seems to have their own advice to give me and advice is not what I need. My blog allows me to express myself without judgement and without talking back to me. I can pour out my thoughts and emotions and release them, then start fresh again in the morning.
It's been a tough week for us both, but mainly for Mark. Going back onto the Dex brings with it the side effects, the main one being, inability to sleep!
We always knew that this drug was going to be tough. Each day that he was on it, he achieved less and less sleep each night. He tried everything including having half a tablet in the morning and half at lunch time, one full tablet in the morning and nothing for the rest of the day, yoga, meditation CDs, boring podcasts, sleeping back in his "man pad" you name it. He even reduced the Dex to half a dose over the weekend, but still no relief came. Each night the total amount of sleep reduced. By Friday he was starting to show signs of depression again, so I suggested we go in to one of his old work places to "catch-up with the guys" so to speak. He had also come up with the same idea as our son attends a child care centre just a block away.
The visit to work proved invaluable and shows just how important male company is in these difficult times. Unfortunately he has not had many male visitors of late and his life tends to revolve around radiotherapy, doctor appointments, playing with Sebastian and afternoon rests. I know he is getting sick of this and he needs something else to occupy his thoughts. His tiredness prevents him from trying to write any code or even sit at his computer. He has watched all his downloaded TV programs and playing playstation on his own is not much fun. All that and no sleep... no wonder he is depressed. I'm depressed just writing about it.
By now his total amount of sleep over a nightime period was zero and breaking point came Sunday night. He was so exhausted and he knew that this put extra pressure on me. I too was becoming exhausted and frustrated. I was frustrated that he couldn't do the smallest of things like set the table for dinner and he was frustrated that he felt so helpless and good for nothing.
That night after Sebastian had gone to bed, we talked, cried, talked and cried some more. We came up with a plan to go early to radiotherapy and beg to see a doctor, any doctor as we could not wait until his next appointment on Thursday. He needed some relief from this tiredness. A sleeping tablet that would help him sleep but not make him feel drowsy, disoriented and feel like rubbish the next day as the tablet I had given him weeks ago had done.
After another sleepless night, we had our breakfast and headed in to the hospital. I had explained to Sebastian that Daddy was feeling very unwell and that we needed to talk to a doctor as well as have our usual radiotherapy treatment. I needed him to be extra good and extra quiet while we spoke to the people we needed to speak to. Receptionists, radiotherapy nurse, radiologists and the doctor all saw this broken man's tears and all felt his pain and all did what they could, albeit very little. Discussions with the doctor resulted in a script for a sleeping pill. The discussions were a little weird, contradictory and just downright...... j?*%^$# frustrating? I can't even explain it, but let's just say, we don't like this doctor very much and we later discussed our own plan for what Mark would do next.
So tonight we will do some yoga, even though I know Mark doesn't want too and he has muscle weakness in his legs and arms and he has a headache and he feels like sh*&$. But I need him to try. Just do some of the breathing and the basics. He needs to sleep, please, please let him sleep.
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