Post Number 19 - Life Goes On

It's been over about six weeks since my last post and life is still quite a rollercoaster ride. Our 5 day get-away in Normanville was perfect.  Just being away from home (but not far from home) and near the fresh sea air was pure paradise.  It was hard work getting everything packed into the car, including a couple of bikes, but we made it.  Mark spent the first two days without much energy and not participating in many activities, choosing to stay back in the accommodation while Sebastian, Else and I headed for the beach.  But by day three, he started to feel better and we enjoyed some quality family time together while searching for crabs, enjoying nice cafés and a day at the beach.  We all came home refreshed and recharged and ready to move ahead with our lives.

Once home again, Mark started doing a little work for one of his clients.  At first it was mainly planning meetings, but that then turned into writing code.  Before long he found he could work for two hours a day which soon increased to two and a half and then three hours a day.  Things were going great; some income finally coming in, Sebastian’s behaviour still manageable and myself in a reasonably good place mentally and physically.  We started going out more, socialising a little more and doing more things as a family.  I finished a very old project which I had started in 2006.  A book I had written about carrying out Jury Service and how it had affected and changed my life.  The six weeks on a murder trial took me out of my day to day routine and through this experience, I reassessed my life and moved it into a direction that made me happy.  I completed the last set of edits, added pictures, reformatted, printed and bound the book.  It will never be published as it is very factual and includes all the names of the council and the accused as well as newspaper articles and the final sentencing from the judge.  This book is a legacy that I will leave to my son.  Something he can read when he is much older, or maybe when I pass to another world.  Something to remember me by if you will.

At Adelaide’s Festival Fringe time I decided some adult time together was in order and booked a couple of comedy shows to go to.  I know we don’t laugh enough, I guess we are just serious people?  The shows were great and getting to the events seemed to fall into place without too much stress. 

Thinking life was finally on the up and up, I was surprised one day when Mark told me he was really really tired and couldn’t face sitting at his computer.  After breakfast, I tidied up the kitchen and found him asleep on the couch.  He spent most of the day there.  The next day the same thing happened and this continued for days.  Admittedly, the weather was hot and we were experiencing a heat wave, but there seemed much more to it than that.  Day after day, he struggled to get out of bed and make breakfast before either lying on the couch or on the bed for hours at a time.  His appetite was also affected and although he would eat, each meal was a struggle for him.  It felt like the period just after he came home from hospital when all responsibilities were on my shoulders.  I was starting to run down again and also struggled to face each day, until day eight when things started to look a little better and Mark started to brighten again.  A visit from his father and brother also forced him off the couch and lifted his spirits.  Just having someone (in particular, a male) to talk to, seemed to help and each day he started to improve again.

Friday 22^nd March and it’s now been five months since the operation and time for his first MRI Scan since the tumour was discovered.  The scan was scheduled for 7.45am and we decided it would be best if he went with this father to the hospital while I took Sebastian to childcare in the city.  He seemed in good spirits, maybe a little anxious about getting there on time, but otherwise ok.  We had talked on several occasions about the scan and as it was just a routine process, there was nothing to worry about.  This scan is what they call the “baseline scan”.  It is the scan that will be used to compare future scans with.  As the tumour has been removed and the swelling has gone down, there should be nothing to see on the pictures but healthy tissue.

Since the scan however, Mark’s mood has been sombre.  He has been unusually quiet and distant.  It seems the scan has prompted thoughts of “what if?” and “how does it look?”.  With Neuro-surgeon and Neurologist appointments not even scheduled (not something I can do), it may be a very long time before we have any real details about what the scans show.  We do however have an appointment with the Radiologist Oncologist in two days and hopefully she can shed some light and give Mark the assurances he needs to bring him out of his dark place.  At least I hope so, as we are off to Sydney the next day for another five day holiday.  This was something that was booked around nine months ago with the German Dance Group which we no longer attend.  With flights and accommodation already booked and paid for, we decided we would still make the journey and treat ourselves to a little fun in the “big smoke”.  Here’s hoping anyway!

It’s still so difficult to plan anything in advance.  It seems we are still a way off from putting this entire trauma behind us and moving forward.  I have also been re-evaluating my life and what my next chapter will be.  With Sebastian starting Kindergarten at the end of the year, he will be in school before I know it and I wanted to have a plan or direction for what I might do when this time comes.  Working in IT is something that I gave up many years ago (around the time I wrote my book) but a work opportunity presented itself when Sebastian was still very young and it was a much needed chance to resume some type of position in a workplace.  When I first started it was all great and the company I worked for loved the work I did and always seemed to appreciate my efforts.  But as the years passed, one project I completed last year went sour.  Repeated requests from me to test the system went unheard, so I completed the entire project – untested.  They then went ahead and went live with it!  Not long after, it went pear shaped and management were furious at me for not delivering what they had expected.  I had nowhere to go, their requirements not possible with the current technology or software they had invested in.  No amount of discussion was going to change the situation and communications seemed to stop almost altogether.  I called a meeting to see if they wanted me to continue working there and all three managers assured me that they were all just really busy and didn’t have time for IT projects or plans.  

Thoughts of quitting flowed through my mind for months as I am the type of person who puts 100% into everything I do, and without job satisfaction, there is no point.  When everything happened with Mark, we discussed eliminating everything that caused us stress or did not give us satisfaction or joy.  This job did not tick any box and the final straw came when yet another one of their very old computers broke down.  While they did not come outright and say that they expected a replacement by the next day, I knew they would be furious if nothing was in place when staff came in to work the next day.  So, with young boy in toe, I purchased a new machine and went home to start configuring it.  But this new machine was the new version of Windows which brought with it a series of complexities.  Hours later, I ended up putting Sebastian in front of the TV so I could get some peace and quiet.  I then noticed Mark lying on the bed, feeling overwhelmed from the stress of getting data from the old computer onto the new.  We argued about what could be done and hours later I knew that this job had to go. 

I delivered the machine the following morning and came across a few more issues which I thankfully could resolve without Mark’s help.  I left the office, had lunch with my boys and immediately wrote my resignation, followed by a very detailed document outlining the configuration of their network and the quirks of their specialised business critical software which had caused us no end of stress over the years.  I was determined to do the right thing and ensure all my loose ends were tied off and I could walk away knowing I had done my best. 

Stomach churning, I had no clear idea of when I would sent the document and resignation and thought maybe I should just replace their last remaining old machine which was a business critical one before I walked away for good.  But as the phone rang that afternoon, I soon realised that I would not have to make any more decisions as the business owner had rung to tell me that she thought the relationship would no longer work.  I quickly told her of my documentation and letter and before long it was sent through and I was free of this job and all its’ stresses.

I still shake about this situation as I now have no means of contributing to the family income which was my only reason behind not resigning sooner.  But since shedding this baggage, I am starting to feel lighter and starting to see a new career path emerge, one that is a long way from IT and closer to my passion for good health and healthy cooking.