Today is a very sad day. Because tonight, I said goodbye to the love of my life. Mark was more than a husband to me. He was my work colleague, my best friend, my secret lover, my husband and the father of my amazing son. He leaves this world a better place for his contribution. Many of his colleagues looked up to him and often asked his advice. Many people had the privilege of meeting him and although he never knew it, he often left a lasting impression. He was a quiet man, yet was as opinionated as me, just not as vocal about it, only to me.
I don't know why he chose today to leave - perhaps he did not have a choice. Perhaps he didn't want to be a burden. This morning while in his room I made all the final preparations to bring him home. Hospital bed, linen, removalist and storage to make room for all the equipment, nursing staff and support staff to help me to care for Mark at home. I was all ready for him to be home by Friday afternoon. Sebastian and I went out for dinner, almost to celebrate that all would be well and we wouldn't need to make constant trips back and forth to Daw House and the man we loved so much would be home where he belonged. But it was not to be...
At 6pm while we sat at our favourite café awaiting our order, I received a phone call from Daw House. I had only left there an hour ago, so thought this quite strange. I was advised that Mark's condition had seriously changed and his pulse was racing and his breathing was laboured. They had administered some medications to settle him down, but thought it was best I was informed. While deeply concerned about the news, I didn't panic. In fact, I felt quite calm. I contacted my neighbours, or should I now call them my family, and asked yet again if they could rescue me and of course, they came in my time of need.
Sebastian and I thoroughly enjoyed our dinner as well as our tiramisu (tiramisuka as Seb calls it) and just as we walked back to the car, my friend arrived to take Sebastian home, put him to bed and wait for me to get home, for as long as I needed.
As I walked into Mark's room I could hear his laboured breathing. I instantly held his face and kissed his forehead and checked him over. I noticed his fingers were turning blue so I asked if he could be given oxygen. But his breathing never improved. I dimmed the lights and played some music, held his hand and rested my head on his shoulder. I knew deep down this was it.
Unable to relax, I grabbed his mobile phone and started going through the hundreds of emails in his Inbox. Emails that had been received back when he first entered the hospital, nearly seven weeks ago. I lost count of how many mailing lists I unsubscribed him from and while I deleted hundreds of emails, I did leave the ones that I felt he would suggest are important. It was like I knew he would pass, but then again, never giving up hope completely.
At 10.15pm he stopped breathing and so did I. I looked at him and then he took a big gasp of air. I watched him and held him tight and he did it again. I rang the nurse and we removed the oxygen as it was having little effect. Less than ten minutes later, he took his last breath.
So now he is at peace and I can officially start grieving, although I have been grieving for weeks now. I have cried so much and watched the colour drain from his face, yet it still doesn't feel real. Everything is so silent now, like the world just stopped spinning. It's nearly 2am and I have little chance of getting to sleep. Knowing I have to tell Sebastian in five hours that his father has passed, more unbearable than I can even express, even though we have talked about it several times and cried a river together. I guess we will cry another one again and again for a while.
Mark was such an amazing man and not many really got to know him as well as I did. Even from his hospital bed he made sure I had the gift of a piece of jewellery for my birthday. He had mentioned it to me months before and I dismissed it as I didn't want an item to remember him by. But I guess he knew deep down all along and with the help of our amazing friends (again) I was given a beautiful pendant, engraved with our three names.
Mark was a beautiful man and I was so very blessed to have him in my life, because I have now experienced true love and I am so grateful of such a special gift. Many people go through life never really experiencing it. I had been married before and had many failed relationships but our relationship was different. It was built on respect for ourselves and each other. We did not have to agree on everything, but we always listened to each other. Mark was a great listener and I will honour him by trying harder to be a better listener to others. Because I myself now really understand the value in having someone who will just listen. Not judge, not offer solutions, not give me advice, just listen. It's a rare quality, and Mark, I will try to be better at that, for you.
I will honour your life with as much grace and integrity as I can, and know that you touched many people in positive ways and that together we were unstoppable. So now Sebastian lives on to be the boy you taught him to be and I promise to guide him, listen to him and speak of you often. He will learn everything about you, so he too can be as special a man as you and learn to love a woman in a way that will make you proud.
I will love you forever and miss you every day, for the rest of my life. Goodbye my darling, may your next life be even more special than this one, if that is at all possible.
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