With this week being the last week of school, I decided to take Sebastian to see Father Christmas as we have always done in the past. My secret to long queues and avoiding craziness...go before the school holidays begin and go at the end of the day. So I took Seb out of school a little early, stopped in to my solicitors in the city to sign some paperwork, and headed in to the Myer Santa-land in Rundle Mall. Just as in previous years, no line-up, no chaos, no stress.
But things just felt off. The Santa just not up to scratch. His beard constantly moving around and things not flowing as well as they usually did. Photos were taken of Sebastian and then I also jumped in for a shot. In previous years our favourite photos where always the family shot, but this year, the photo of me, Sebastian and Santa just looked ridiculous, unbalanced and incomplete. I chose the two photos of Sebastian to buy and as he travelled around the train tracks on the free train ride, most likely for the last time, I silently sobbed.
We headed home in silence and continued our evening as normal. But as each day passed, I became more and more sensitive, shedding tears easily. I spent days and days working through thousands of photographs and video memories, collecting the very best of Mark, in a plan to create a movie of his life and who he was as a person.
The following day my car was in for service, so I took the opportunity to walk over to a nearby shopping centre to do a little Christmas shopping. As I had already bought most of Sebastian's presents, the plan was more to have a coffee and a little browse. But things did not go to plan. I picked up a few little items, then more and more. I left the shop, had the coffee, checked in with the car repairer who told me there was still more than an hour to wait, so I returned to the shops and continued to purchase more items for friends and for Sebastian. In the end, there was so much stuff, I was unable to carry it all and needed to beg the store to hold the shopping trolley full of items while I collected the car!
Once all the items where safely stowed in the boot of the car, I sobbed again. I was so upset that I had purchased so many items, mainly for Sebastian. Voices in my head arguing about how much I had spent, my Mum's voice saying, "How could you?" and my own voice saying "But he just lost his Dad, he deserves to be spoilt." Never have I felt so conflicted, as Mark and I always made a point to not overspend and ensure Sebastian understood the value of money and that he would not get everything he asked for, because life just isn't like that. But he has just lost his Dad! Am I buying him off? Am I buying out of guilt? I don't think so. I'm just so bloody proud of him and how amazing he is, I can't help but want to buy him the world. So let my mother disapprove, for this year, I don't care. He has shown amazing courage and strength and he deserves every gift. I'm even sure that Mark won't mind, so long as I don't make a habit of it. This year has been the toughest yet and we all deserve a little spoiling for the sacrifices we made and the loss we continue to experience. It's ok and we will be ok.
These past few weeks I have been very busy preparing the garden for the heat of summer that is likely to be another record breaker. I surprised even myself at my abilities to get the garden cleaned up, trimmed and even installed several new watering systems to make watering as simple as turning on a tap. As I completed some of the larger tasks, I took a step back to admire my work, and for a few seconds I patted myself on the back and said "Well done old girl. You have done a marvellous job and this is going to work a treat." That was quickly followed by a wave of sadness and more sobbing tears as my gardening partner was not there to share in this glory or to share in the celebratory cup of tea or glass of wine for a job well done. Yes, it's true, I am a very capable woman, but this doesn't lighten the grief load at all, and the closer we get to Christmas, the harder I feel it will become.
I have joined a young widow's support group and Sebastian and I have attended separate grief counselling sessions. These things help in their own special ways. A chance to be listened to and heard, a change to meet others who feel the same pain, a chance to just be as you are without judgement; a small step in the very long road that is the journey of grief. One day at a time, one meditation at a time, one event at a time.
Last week I had the privilege to "spend an evening with Oprah". She was truly amazing as she spoke non-stop for two hours and told the story of her life, her successes and her failures, her difficult times and those to celebrate. Her words confirmed that I was living my best life and I felt proud in myself and how far I have come as a person in my journey of self-discovery. It wasn't until the very end when she said, "the things in life that bring us down, the times of sadness, of deep loss, of health challenges and pain. It is these things that make us stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger..." By the fourth "stronger" I was sobbing like a baby. I understood completely and I sobbed for her, for me, for Sebastian and for everyone who understands true pain and true loss and yes, it does make us stronger and perhaps more determined to go on and make our lives mean something.
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