Post Number 53 - Reunited

So it's been nearly a month since my last post and life has continued to move forward and as the school holidays draw to a close, there is time for a reflection on how far we have all come in the last month.

Mum has settled in well and her shingles are finally starting to heal.  It has been a long road of healing for her, but she is finally starting to feel better.  Her diet is much improved, although still not perfect, but her weight is down and her recent blood test show some improvements.

Having her living with us seems very normal, like it has always been that way, which is very strange indeed.  And yes, she does drive me crazy at times, but I am so very grateful to have her with us.  Somehow having three people in the house makes things just seem like they always have been.

I miss Mark in many ways, mostly in having him to talk to and that sense of warmth, comfort and safety.  But I am more at peace and finally feel like I can allow myself some happiness, especially when I spend time with Sebastian.

At the start of the school holidays, we flew to Mt Gambier to visit family and to be reunited with Mark's car which had been safely stored and lovingly worked on by his brother since we drove it there last year.  But it was time for her to come home and she was ready for a big drive on the open highway and so was I.

It was the weekend of our wedding anniversary; seven years.  Many of my new friends from my grief support group had talked about anniversaries and how they celebrated them.  I have never been big on celebrating anniversaries and now was no exception.  I had no idea what I wanted to do, if anything at all.  But when I received a call from family in Mt Gambier, asking us to come for this weekend, it seemed that the decision had already been made for me.  It was a chance for me to spend one-on-one time with the old girl, while family looked after Sebastian.  But where would I go and what would I do? I had no idea?

We flew over after school on Friday night, picked up the car and drove to our hotel, or should I say flew to the hotel!  As soon as I drove out of my brother-in-law's driveway, the car was off!  I couldn't believe the difference in her performance as I flew up the highway just before entering the township of Mt Gambier.  I had adrenaline pumping through my veins as the back of the car spun out, the power under my feet almost intoxicating.  At speeds of 80kms, it felt like she was idling!

The following morning we ate breakfast at a cafe in town and still I didn't know where I was going to take the car.  As I sipped my coffee, I looked at the maps on my phone and then it hit me so hard I nearly fell off my chair.  BEACHPORT dummy!  Of course.  The place Mark and I had met up many many years ago, for a New Year's Eve weekend.  Mark had spent Christmas with his family and we had been invited to stay the weekend at a friend's shack.  We had some very special times that weekend and our relationship changed significantly from just friends and work colleagues to something much more special and there were many firsts and many special moments that I will never forget.

I dropped Sebastian off and away I flew, up the highway to Beachport, less than an hour's drive away.  Once there, I decided to drive along the tourist drive until I reached a lighthouse that overlooked the harbour.  It was a beautiful site, the lighthouse on the hill, the rugged ocean, the beautiful boats and the fresh sea air.  Then I spotted a sign, "Lighthouse Walk".  Sounded great to me, so I grabbed my good camera, locked my valuables up in the boot and headed off, armed with just my camera and the car keys.

The walk took me to the top of the hill, but then I continued to follow a track and then another, up a sandhilll and down another, until I reached the most amazing deserted coastline.  I found a place to sit, took some photos and took a deep breath.  I closed my eyes and breathed it in...breathed him in...breathed the Universe in.  Gentle tears flowed as I felt the warmth of the sun on my back and the chill of the breeze on my cheek.  It felt like his warm hugs and his wet kisses and it felt like home. 



I spent an hour sitting on the sand, just being and it was glorious.  I went for a short walk along the beach, picking up some lovely shells and special mementos before heading back in the direction of the car.  I started up the first sandhill..."Now was it this way or that way?  Hmm..sure it was this way.  Man this sandhill is steeper than I remember it!"  I struggled up the hill, protecting my camera and my precious shells.  I had no pocket, no water, and no phone!  Finally at the top, I realised I had indeed walked up the wrong hill, but I could easily get across and was soon reunited with the "old girl" again. 

By then it was past one o'clock, so I headed for the township for some lunch.  I had to have "Salt & Pepper Squid".  No idea why as it is not something I would usually order, but it was one of Mark's favourites.  It wasn't that I didn't like this dish, only that usually the squid would be tough and chewy and generally not pleasant to eat.  But still, for some reason, I had to order it.

I sat staring out the window of the country pub, looking out across the jetty, the old girl in the distance, sipping a glass of white wine.  My meal arrived and it looked like a very typical pub meal...until I took a bite of the squid.  I couldn't believe it.  It just melted in my mouth.  It was heavenly and I enjoyed every mouthful.

After lunch I went for a walk around the small town and visited the few gift shops, walking out empty handed each time, until the last shop.  They had a large array of jewellery, not expensive, but very nice and they made most of it in the shop.  I searched and searched for something that would mark our anniversary.  Finally, after nearly an hour in the shop, the shop owner desperately trying to find something suitable, I found a charm in the shape of a heart with an angel in the middle.  Perfect!  The shop owner found a second and made them into ear-rings for me.  I then found a masculine bracelet for Sebastian and added a charm that said "love". 

Happy with my new purchases, I bought an ice-cream and sat on a bench near the car and looked over the jetty.  By now the skies had turned grey, the wind grown stronger and the chill in the air started to bite my cheeks.  But I didn't care, as that is what we would have done together, no matter the weather.  By now it was nearly four o'clock and I couldn't believe I had been away so long.  I jumped back into the car and started her up.  She vibrated and gurgled as she idled in the carpark, ready to go. But I was not yet ready, as I felt I had one last thing to do before I could head back.  I grabbed my pack of music CD's and pulled out Barbara Streisand's Duet CDs and put on the track that was our song..."I finally found someone".  I had not listened to this music for a very long time, but it broke me down instantly.  The music blaring, I screamed and sobbed from the pit of my stomach and I let it all out.  I sobbed from the start to the finish of the song, then pulled myself together, reversed out of the carpark and hit the accelerator.  Once out of the town I floored it while I continued to listen to the other songs on the CD.  I sang, I cried, I got angry, I got sad, but by the time I was back in Mt Gambier, it was all out.  I headed back to the hotel and laydown for a short while before meeting up with the family for dinner and while I was still red in the face and in the eyes, I was ready to see everyone and enjoy their company over a meal.

Two days later and we were on our way home.  The drive seemed effortless, almost as if I wasn't even driving.  I can't explain it, but I truly felt like Mark had slipped into my body and driven us home.  We stopped at Kingston and had a lovely relaxed lunch and a game of draughts and Sebastian then settled down for a much needed sleep after many late nights.


We had spent the night before with family at my brother-in-law's house, as he lit up his summer garden rubbish heap.  Sebastian was delighted at the thought of a bomb fire and as a family we stood around this huge blaze, being singed by the flames from the front and frost bitten by the cold in the back, while we shared stories about Mark.  It was simply wonderful, heart-warming and such fun.  Sebastian excitedly ran around the fire, poking at it, setting sticks on fire and whizzing them around, just as kids love to do.  He had the time of his life.

With a full belly, sleep came easy to him and I settled in for the drive home along the coast road with plans to stop at the next major town.  But as I approached the town, I looked back and Sebastian was still asleep, so I continued on and stopped around an hour from our final destination.  We stretched our legs, played in the playground and made some phone calls before hitting the road for the final easy leg.  Two lanes of highway, down through the Adelaide Hills and home.  I still can't get over how easy the drive was as I had travelled it many times before and always found it tiring.  Maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was something else, I don't know, but I do know it was a special weekend in so many ways and the best weekend we have had in a very long time and for that, I am very grateful and very humbled.