I started having acupuncture treatments at College and gained much relief from my symptoms as well as finally figuring out what was happening in my body. I previously mentioned the stress that life as a solo parent can bring and it suddenly dawned on me that my body was permanently set to "fight or flight mode" and never switching off to allow my body to heal, digest and rest. My body and my brain was always ready to "make a run for it" leading to fatigued muscles and reduced digestion, meaning I was not absorbing any of the wonderful nutrition that I was feeding my body. I finally understood why my body felt like it had "run a marathon" when I had done nothing more than a simple day of study and care for Sebastian and my Mum.
I asked the acupuncture student practitioner to insert the needles in the appropriate places to "turn off the sympathetic nervous system" and the next day I felt like a new person. I continued weekly treatments until the end of the semester and felt invigorated, pain free and full of life. Sebastian and I went bike riding and swimming together, and I began enjoying morning pain-free jogs with the dog. I had four glorious weeks of feeling the ultimate in health and wellbeing and some of the excess kilos started to shift.
But the semester ended, the acupuncture treatments stopped and study for exams began. Each week I began feeling weaker and the pain started returning and before long, I felt like I was back to square one. I began feeling so frustrated, so upset, irritable and angry that this was my life again. Depression starting raising its ugly head as I suffered in silence. The feelings of loneliness and despair overwhelmed me once again as the lost kilos quickly returned without any nutritional input from me.
I threw myself into exam study, determined to do well and pass convincingly, feeling that perhaps, once the exams are over, my body can relax again. The last subject was a huge triple content subject and I felt like I was learning everything from scratch as the lectures I attended all seemed a distant memory. I dedicated every day in revising 120+ hours of lecture content, in the hope that something would stick in my memory. Finally the day of the exam arrived and I spent a few hours at home revising a few things before heading in to the city. I found a wonderful cafe, ordered some lunch and spent the last hour cramming as much as I could. But nothing more could fit in and I began to panic as I tried stopping myself from completing melting down. I couldn't remember what I had just read two minutes ago, so how could I possibly complete this exam?
Walking in to the College and my fellow classmates seemed to be as nervous as I was. I just wanted it over with and wanted the holidays to begin. It seemed to take forever before we were finally allowed to start the exam and a final prayer to my angels and some deep breathing helped to calm me as I read the exam paper. I started writing and felt comfortable with most of my answers. "I had this", I thought, "I can pass this massive subject" and I smiled as I completed the paper, sat back and looked around the room. "It's over for another year", I made it!
With this huge weight off my shoulders I now had to make a decision. Drive to Mt Gambier for the weekend to attend a family function or stay home. "What's to think about?" you may be asking. "Just go", you may be thinking. If only life was that simple.
Just a week ago, while at home studying, I had been relieved to witness the dog being much less obsessive and aggressive towards the chickens. Her behaviour had been more manageable and I had also had some advice from another dog behaviourist. I noticed that one of the chickens had been getting underneath the wire fencing and entering the buffer zone that I had created to keep the dog and the chickens apart from one another. I could hear when this situation occurred as I heard a crazy bark from the dog, so I would bring her inside and place the chicken back to her safe zone along with the rest of the flock and peace was restored. I would get to fixing that hole on the weekend.
It was Thursday and Sebastian had woken looking very grey indeed. Already blowing his nose ten times before breakfast, I knew Sports Day at school was not a good option for him. As I was home studying, I felt the best place for him was on the couch. Later that afternoon, his nose stopped running and his energy levels returned and he wanted to go out and spend time with his newest feathery friends. He loved spending time with the chickens, feeding them, holding them and giving them treats like spinach or fresh mealworms. When he entered the gate, they all come running towards him, excited to see what treat he may be bringing them. I had advised him that if any of them had entered the buffer zone to quickly put the dog inside and correct the situation, which he indeed needed to do.
While I don't know exactly what happened in those next two minutes, I do know that Mum headed out the back door, the dog got out, I was heading up the hallway as I had finished my study for the day and one of the chickens had somehow gone from the buffer zone and was now walking around the backyard. It was one of those moments when everything slows down into slow motion. Sebastian's screams will be forever etched into my brain as he watched the dog grab the chicken by the neck and squeeze. I seemed to run into obstacle after obstacle as I ran to save my son's beloved pet from the jaws of the dog, to no avail.
After getting the dog away from the situation, I held my Sebastian tight as he screamed and screamed, terrorised by what he had witnessed. I too started wailing as I blamed myself for not getting to that hole sooner and for not checking that everything was safe and secure outside. I had also allowed the chickens the freedom of the whole backyard the previous weekend, thinking they might like to eat some of the grass, but instead they dug in the dirt, something they have more than enough of in their own chicken run. Yes I blamed myself for every rookie mistake I made that led to this horrible event.
So just packing up and leaving for the weekend is not quite that easy. I usually ensure a carer comes each day that I am away, but Mum refused this and she would only allow someone to come on two days of the four that I would be away. Her fierce independence often putting her in less than safe situations, as she feels that she can do anything and by me organising for neighbours to look after the chickens meant that "she was good for nothing" in her eyes. I struggled with the decision, but also felt a desperate need to get away and connect with Mark's family. I had to go.
The morning of our departure, Mum and I had a screaming fight. As she walked past me, she patted my stomach, indicating my weight was visually back on show. "When I was young, we used to wear a corset" she said. Already stressed about leaving, worried and upset from a conversation with a friend the night before, my volcano erupted. I screamed and wailed, disgusted that she could be so cruel as to highlighting my weight gain when I have tried so hard to shift it. It took a long time for me to calm down, finish loading the car and finally back out the driveway. Before leaving, I hugged her (something we never do), apologised for my outburst and left. 120kms on and I was already exhausted with still 300kms to drive.
We stopped for breakfast and I apologized to Sebastian for my behaviour and tried to explain to him how complicated my relationship with my Mum is. By the time we reached our destination, my eyes were red and puffy from weeping most of the way, my head was pounding from a stress-induced migraine and I was physically spent. I dropped Sebastian at his Uncles so that I could unpack and lie down.
That was two days ago and I am finally feeling calmer and relaxed after leaving Sebastian with his Uncle and Grandpa for the day. I wish we didn't have to drive home tomorrow and face reality again, but stay in country, enjoy home baking, cups of tea and 5pm Happy Hour. But I must get back, get on with preparations for Christmas and maintenance to the house and garden. Running away isn't the answer, but it does provide some temporary relief, some opportunities to read, breath and pretend that everything is okay.
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