It's only been a month since my experience with the
beautiful and majestic Honey, and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. This year
has affected everyone around the world in so many ways and continues to do so,
week after agonising week. Just when you think life can stabilise and there can
be some security, some opportunities to plan ahead, something happens to
jeopardise it. Our very way of life, continually turned on its head,
restricted, banned, changed, and squashed. If that wasn’t bad enough, we were
now being told how to practice our craft. The wearing of masks at work was now
mandatory and a second lockdown, so tight, we were not even allowed to walk our
dogs!
This pushed me over the edge yet again, as the thought of
consultations while wearing a mask, seemed impossible and impersonal. But new
clients booked in, and I had no choice but to see them, mask and all. While
awkward at first, soon it seemed to be second nature, or maybe it was more that
my work practices had become so refined, that I just fell into “work-mode”
without thinking about the fact that I could barely breathe.
Only weeks prior to this event, the Science and Robotics
community had managed to reschedule and run one of the biggest Science Events
of the year, Science Alive. The robotics club had been given double the display
space and this would be our only opportunity for the year, to demonstrate what
we do, attract new customers and members to our clubrooms and learning space.
It was a very important event, and everyone worked hard for weeks, to ensure it
would be a success.
Finally, the weekend of Science Alive came around, and
Sebastian and I attended the show grounds the day before to help setup. With so
many items to display, we needed to make sure our display looked its best, and
showcased the projects in a way that drew interest. Satisfied with our efforts,
we spent the rest of the day relaxing as much as we could, as there would be
three whole days of working the display.
That night, I was woken by some strange sounds. It sounded much like the different ringtones on a mobile phone. It was 2am and I was not happy about being woken from my slumber. I assumed it was something on Sebastian’s phone, as he was always mucking around with settings, and seemed to struggle with remembering the difference between AM & PM. Unable to settle, I dragged myself out of bed and checked his phone. Nothing presented itself, so I returned to bed and continued with my deep sleep. Little did I know, the problem was actually on MY phone.
The next morning, I grabbed my phone from the charger and
checked for any important messages. I noticed the background wallpaper of the
phone was different. I thought it a bit strange, but continued on to check for
emails and other messages. But something felt wrong, very wrong. The more I
checked, the more settings I found to be different. It was as if someone had
played around and changed all the settings, and not just cosmetic things like ring
tone and colour schemes, but blocking text messages and phone calls. Stressed
to the maximum, I turned the phone completely off, as I thought about what may
have happened.
Plain and simple, I HAD BEEN HACKED!! Me, the ex-IT
professional, was sent a Facebook message, and from my phone, I clicked on it.
It was a link to a YouTube video, and while I did not click on a link per say, I
did click on the “Play” button that was displayed in the message. This took me
to another page and a link was offered, which I did NOT click on, as I then
realised it was designed to trick me, and I wasn’t about to fall for that!
And yet, I had already been compromised. In the stress of
life, I was caught at a vulnerable moment, and I clicked on something that I
should not have, and now I was the victim of a serious hacking. I took
Sebastian to the Science Alive event and literally dropped him at the gates,
with a backpack of food and some money, and crossed my fingers that he would be
mature enough to find his way to the display stand and look after himself for
the day, while I tried to figure out what to do. I rang a friend who works in
the IT Industry, I visited the Bank and changed all my passwords, and visited
the Optus store several times to try to work through a solution to my “unsafe to
use” phone. They offered very few solutions or help, and I sat on help lines
for hours, with little resolution. It seemed no one believed that someone could
take remote control of my phone and start sending emails and text messages. But
that’s exactly what they were trying to do, and in some instances,
successfully. The feelings of complete overwhelm and feeling “alone” pushed me
deep into despair.
Needless to say, everyone was exhausted, stressed and
dismayed at the potential data loss. It took quite a while to pack everything
up, as we needed to walk everything out to the van parked outside. Now I was physically
exhausted as well as mentally spent. I had never felt so alone and so broken. I
had even been to the police station earlier that day, when I had discovered the
evidence captured on my phone. But they simply passed me a piece of paper with
a web address on it, advising that there was nothing they could do.
With no one else to turn to, I receded back into myself
again. This was different than before however. I hadn’t lost my confidence in
myself or my abilities as a practitioner. I had simply had enough of life. I
was done! I felt I had been thrown more than any human being should have to
bare, and I just couldn’t take one more step forward.
I don’t know where I found the strength. Maybe it was
from the unconditional love from Sebastian. What choice did I have? “Suck it up Princess” I told myself. I
had new clients to see and existing clients who were relying on me. So onward I went. Basketball coaching, school
banking, nutrition practice, mother and carer. I worked from home as much as I
could, as the end of the year was not far away. Like a marathon runner seeing
the finish line, I had to keep going.
I wrote an email to the practice manager, explaining my
absence at the clinic. While I did not answer to her, I felt it common curtesy
to advise her of my state of mental health, my feelings of burn-out and a few
minor issues that had been grating on me over the year. As COVID had prevented
us from having a six month review in person, I felt I would document everything
in an email. The response I received put the final nail in the proverbial
coffin! She thanked me for my message and felt it was best that we part ways! I
read it over and over again. Was she really kicking me while I was already on
the floor? Every emotion came over me from grief, anger, sadness, dismay and
everything else you can think of. I had mentioned that I needed to get away for
a while. To recollect myself and come back stronger and more resilient. Telling
me to leave the clinic, meant that I could not go away, as I would need to
spend that time finding a new clinic location to move in to.
After a few days, I had calmed down enough to reply in a
calm and reductive manner, and this time she replied with a three-month
extension on my current sublease. I should be grateful, and I am. But the
bitter taste of being kicked out due to my brutal honesty is hard to shift. I
keep telling myself, there is something better on the horizon. Something with a
bigger impact than before. But I am too tired to dream big. Too hurt and too
lonely to be able to see the light. Through such a difficult year, I have
managed to successfully treat nearly 60 clients! That’s amazing for my first
year and I never would have believed that possible, especially through a pandemic.
I’m proud of myself beyond belief and if I could give myself an award, I would.
Well done woman, you are amazing. I know Mark is with me, and I know my Angels
have a bigger plan for me. But I still struggle to let go of what I have
achieved and the thought of starting again elsewhere is just to much to bare
right now.
It’s less than a week before Christmas, and I haven’t
even put up a single Christmas decoration. Just another thing on my massive “To
Do” list. My dear cousin in Germany has
been denied access into the country, and our grand plans of spending months
together, completely squashed. To add to that load, her mother is slowly and
agonisingly dying. Unable to eat or drink, she has been starving to death for
weeks. This has to be the cruellest and most devastating way to end a beautiful
life, and my heart breaks for her. I want to be with her to comfort her, pray
with her and hug her, but I am denied this, as many others around the world
have also experienced isolation from their loved ones.
I have managed to pull-off a week away in Mount Gambier
and some time driving the “Old Girl”. After nearly an entire year sitting in
the carport, she purred like a kitten as I registered her once more and took
her on the open road. The power in her turbo charged engine unmistakable. A
chance to reconnect with family and disconnect with the problems at home. A
chance to find myself again, or drown my sorrows in wine. Either way, a
necessity to distance myself from all 2020 has brought to the table. The highs
along with the devastating lows. A
chance to just “Be” and breathe and find hope again, that the new year will
bring new opportunities, and new energy to the work that I do, and the life
that I lead.