Post Number 75 - Would Life ever Stabilise?

It's only been a month since my experience with the beautiful and majestic Honey, and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. This year has affected everyone around the world in so many ways and continues to do so, week after agonising week. Just when you think life can stabilise and there can be some security, some opportunities to plan ahead, something happens to jeopardise it. Our very way of life, continually turned on its head, restricted, banned, changed, and squashed. If that wasn’t bad enough, we were now being told how to practice our craft. The wearing of masks at work was now mandatory and a second lockdown, so tight, we were not even allowed to walk our dogs!

This pushed me over the edge yet again, as the thought of consultations while wearing a mask, seemed impossible and impersonal. But new clients booked in, and I had no choice but to see them, mask and all. While awkward at first, soon it seemed to be second nature, or maybe it was more that my work practices had become so refined, that I just fell into “work-mode” without thinking about the fact that I could barely breathe.

Only weeks prior to this event, the Science and Robotics community had managed to reschedule and run one of the biggest Science Events of the year, Science Alive. The robotics club had been given double the display space and this would be our only opportunity for the year, to demonstrate what we do, attract new customers and members to our clubrooms and learning space. It was a very important event, and everyone worked hard for weeks, to ensure it would be a success.

Finally, the weekend of Science Alive came around, and Sebastian and I attended the show grounds the day before to help setup. With so many items to display, we needed to make sure our display looked its best, and showcased the projects in a way that drew interest. Satisfied with our efforts, we spent the rest of the day relaxing as much as we could, as there would be three whole days of working the display.

That night, I was woken by some strange sounds. It sounded much like the different ringtones on a mobile phone. It was 2am and I was not happy about being woken from my slumber. I assumed it was something on Sebastian’s phone, as he was always mucking around with settings, and seemed to struggle with remembering the difference between AM & PM. Unable to settle, I dragged myself out of bed and checked his phone. Nothing presented itself, so I returned to bed and continued with my deep sleep. Little did I know, the problem was actually on MY phone.

The next morning, I grabbed my phone from the charger and checked for any important messages. I noticed the background wallpaper of the phone was different. I thought it a bit strange, but continued on to check for emails and other messages. But something felt wrong, very wrong. The more I checked, the more settings I found to be different. It was as if someone had played around and changed all the settings, and not just cosmetic things like ring tone and colour schemes, but blocking text messages and phone calls. Stressed to the maximum, I turned the phone completely off, as I thought about what may have happened.

Plain and simple, I HAD BEEN HACKED!! Me, the ex-IT professional, was sent a Facebook message, and from my phone, I clicked on it. It was a link to a YouTube video, and while I did not click on a link per say, I did click on the “Play” button that was displayed in the message. This took me to another page and a link was offered, which I did NOT click on, as I then realised it was designed to trick me, and I wasn’t about to fall for that!

And yet, I had already been compromised. In the stress of life, I was caught at a vulnerable moment, and I clicked on something that I should not have, and now I was the victim of a serious hacking. I took Sebastian to the Science Alive event and literally dropped him at the gates, with a backpack of food and some money, and crossed my fingers that he would be mature enough to find his way to the display stand and look after himself for the day, while I tried to figure out what to do. I rang a friend who works in the IT Industry, I visited the Bank and changed all my passwords, and visited the Optus store several times to try to work through a solution to my “unsafe to use” phone. They offered very few solutions or help, and I sat on help lines for hours, with little resolution. It seemed no one believed that someone could take remote control of my phone and start sending emails and text messages. But that’s exactly what they were trying to do, and in some instances, successfully. The feelings of complete overwhelm and feeling “alone” pushed me deep into despair.

By the next day, I came to realise that my phone had actually screen captured all the activities of the “hackers”, as I found hundreds of mysterious photos in my photo library, which had synchronised to my cloud drive. My stomach churned as I noticed just how long they had been on my phone and just how many things they had attempted to do. I had no choice, I had to either throw away the phone or reset it to factory defaults, effectively deleting all Apps, hidden or otherwise. I spent most of the day rebuilding my phone from the ground up and by the end of the day, I was exhausted, as it had been three days of nothing but stress. I went to the Science Alive show, where Sebastian had been working, for three long days to help pack up. As I met with Sebastian, he told me that the tablet computers that we had purchased to capture names, phone numbers and email addresses of people interested in the work we did, had crashed and that most of the names collected, had been deleted. As I had been the one who had organised the writing of the program, to capture said data, I was devastated beyond belief. This just couldn’t be happening!

Needless to say, everyone was exhausted, stressed and dismayed at the potential data loss. It took quite a while to pack everything up, as we needed to walk everything out to the van parked outside. Now I was physically exhausted as well as mentally spent. I had never felt so alone and so broken. I had even been to the police station earlier that day, when I had discovered the evidence captured on my phone. But they simply passed me a piece of paper with a web address on it, advising that there was nothing they could do.

With no one else to turn to, I receded back into myself again. This was different than before however. I hadn’t lost my confidence in myself or my abilities as a practitioner. I had simply had enough of life. I was done! I felt I had been thrown more than any human being should have to bare, and I just couldn’t take one more step forward.

I don’t know where I found the strength. Maybe it was from the unconditional love from Sebastian. What choice did I have? “Suck it up Princess” I told myself. I had new clients to see and existing clients who were relying on me.  So onward I went. Basketball coaching, school banking, nutrition practice, mother and carer. I worked from home as much as I could, as the end of the year was not far away. Like a marathon runner seeing the finish line, I had to keep going.

I wrote an email to the practice manager, explaining my absence at the clinic. While I did not answer to her, I felt it common curtesy to advise her of my state of mental health, my feelings of burn-out and a few minor issues that had been grating on me over the year. As COVID had prevented us from having a six month review in person, I felt I would document everything in an email. The response I received put the final nail in the proverbial coffin! She thanked me for my message and felt it was best that we part ways! I read it over and over again. Was she really kicking me while I was already on the floor? Every emotion came over me from grief, anger, sadness, dismay and everything else you can think of. I had mentioned that I needed to get away for a while. To recollect myself and come back stronger and more resilient. Telling me to leave the clinic, meant that I could not go away, as I would need to spend that time finding a new clinic location to move in to.

After a few days, I had calmed down enough to reply in a calm and reductive manner, and this time she replied with a three-month extension on my current sublease. I should be grateful, and I am. But the bitter taste of being kicked out due to my brutal honesty is hard to shift. I keep telling myself, there is something better on the horizon. Something with a bigger impact than before. But I am too tired to dream big. Too hurt and too lonely to be able to see the light. Through such a difficult year, I have managed to successfully treat nearly 60 clients! That’s amazing for my first year and I never would have believed that possible, especially through a pandemic. I’m proud of myself beyond belief and if I could give myself an award, I would. Well done woman, you are amazing. I know Mark is with me, and I know my Angels have a bigger plan for me. But I still struggle to let go of what I have achieved and the thought of starting again elsewhere is just to much to bare right now.

It’s less than a week before Christmas, and I haven’t even put up a single Christmas decoration. Just another thing on my massive “To Do” list.  My dear cousin in Germany has been denied access into the country, and our grand plans of spending months together, completely squashed. To add to that load, her mother is slowly and agonisingly dying. Unable to eat or drink, she has been starving to death for weeks. This has to be the cruellest and most devastating way to end a beautiful life, and my heart breaks for her. I want to be with her to comfort her, pray with her and hug her, but I am denied this, as many others around the world have also experienced isolation from their loved ones.

I have managed to pull-off a week away in Mount Gambier and some time driving the “Old Girl”. After nearly an entire year sitting in the carport, she purred like a kitten as I registered her once more and took her on the open road. The power in her turbo charged engine unmistakable. A chance to reconnect with family and disconnect with the problems at home. A chance to find myself again, or drown my sorrows in wine. Either way, a necessity to distance myself from all 2020 has brought to the table. The highs along with the devastating lows.  A chance to just “Be” and breathe and find hope again, that the new year will bring new opportunities, and new energy to the work that I do, and the life that I lead.