Post Number 84 - Embracing the Self

It wasn't long before the romantic fairytale changed, and true colours made an appearance. My heavy feelings of the world closing in on me continued, with more stresses than any single person should have to deal with. The space where my Mum lived, was becoming more and more cluttered, to the point that it was becoming impossible to ignore. I decided it was time for a renovation, and a chance to clean and make that space beautiful once more. Seven years of obsessive and uncontrollable hoarding meant there was very little space to walk around, and every corner was full of bags or boxes of "stuff". 

In discussions (and arguments) with Mum, it was decided that she would go back into assisted living for a three month period, so that I could empty everything out, clean, paint, and re-cover the flooring and windows.  It would become a "respite" for us all and for our relationships with each other.

My lover swooped in and saved the day yet again, by bringing his trailer, so that we could relocate her into the retirement village that housed her before she moved in with us. Having his help made the task so much easier and she was soon settled in with all her worldly and most important possessions, while I started the massive cleanup task. 

A week later and I was making great progress and the space was already looking better, less cluttered and clean. It wasn't long before we took the opportunity to sleep in this space, as it was located a very long way from Sebastian's bedroom and it had an adjoining bathroom. It was at this time, that I was given a proposition, as this living space had the opportunity to "fix" some of the current living arrangement problems in our relationship. I was offered significant weekly rent as a financial incentive in allowing him to move in. With Mum's clothes still hanging the wardrobe, I was a little taken aback, and I responded with a "I'll think about it". 

The next few days however, saw him continue to come over, each time bringing his dog and a car full of clothes and other "bits and pieces". When I challenged him on this, he responded flippantly, as it was "just a few clothes" and "no big deal". I was told to chill out and not be so argumentative about everything. The next thing I knew, he had bought a new doggy door and was cutting a big hole in my fairly new laundry door, so that his dog could easily access the entire property with ease. 

Within two weeks, he was fully moved in, and I was left dumb-founded and wondering how or why I let this happen. It wasn't long before I started to feel uncomfortable with him being around all the time, barely working, and barely contributing to the household financially. He was "between jobs" now, and working only a few two hour shifts a week. The rest of the time he spent looking for the "perfect" job, or watching movies on Netflix, while I continued to work fulltime hours and completed all the domestic duties. On one occasion, he "cleaned" but only the space he was living in, which left me to clean the rest of the house. He of course, boasted about how much he had contributed and that he always did the housework at his house. The cost of groceries continued to increase, and I felt a pressure to provide a home-cooked meal each night, and it had to have lots of protein. One time he actually gave me advise on weight loss and boasted how he could be a personal trainer as he had so much knowledge on nutrition and weight loss! 

I was beginning to despise him and even avoided going home as I knew he would be there. My bank account was dwindling and while I completed the renovation of the balcony, any other renovation progress completely stopped due to his presence. 

One morning, we all sat in the main lounge room eating our breakfast, his dog perching himself on the couch in-between Sebastian and Me. My darling old schnauzer Elsa, came over to me for a pat, and his dog did not like that at all. A jealous dog, he demanded attention, and he had taken ownership of us. He leaped off the couch and lunged at Elsa, while I threw myself in-between to protect her. She barked aggressively back and the two dogs meant business with all teeth barred. He was eventually encouraged to go outside, and was given a "treat" once free of the pressure cooker inside. I was left shaken and furious, to see his dog rewarded for such behaviour that could have seriously hurt my dog, if not kill her, as well as putting myself and Sebastian in danger. 

Later that morning, he left for his two hour shift, never mentioning the incident. He did however, notice my coldness and questioned it. I told him how upset I was, my hands still shaking, and how he had rewarded the behaviour, almost encouraging it to happen again. He laughed and told me that he "knew his dog" and that no one was ever in danger. He then outlined that when he first started bringing his dog around, it was always my dog that would boss his dog around, and it was just his time now to stand up for himself. Somehow, he had managed to make even this incident "my fault".

I spoke no more, and waited until that evening, to ask him to move out. I was completely done. Any love that I had started to feel for this man, started reversing the minute he pushed his way into my home. By this stage, we were arguing daily, and I was always left feeling like everything was my fault and told I was argumentative. I continued to uncover lies and tall stories that he would tell, and I really wanted it to all end immediately.

The minute he was gone, I slept soundly in my own bed again and I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. The very next day, I booked a trip to the Red Centre, so that Sebastian and I could getaway, reconnect and heal. While the trip was amazing, and fulfilling in many ways, I was left with a massive renovation task to finish, in now half the time. Somehow however, I managed to arrange all the trades and the work was finished in record time, and Mum moved back in again, as she had also had enough of living with others who didn't understand her. 

So now life is back to some kind of normal. Mum is home again, work is busier than ever, and I am on my own again left wondering if I am destined to live this way for the rest of my life, or if there is a bigger plan for me. Did I fail at yet another relationship, or am I just continually attracting the wrong kind of person? My fear of loneliness over-shadowing all the signs that this man was not right for me.  It's true that in both the relationships that I started, my energy was almost a desperation to not feel loneliness and to find happiness by being in a relationship, rather than finding the happiness within myself. By going into these relationships in this way, meant that I completely lost my true self and went back into care-taker mode. As a person who is continually giving of myself, I lose all sense of self and ultimately, I end up alone. Even friendships break down, and I am left hurt and lonely yet again. 

Birthdays are an example of times when I feel the most lonely.  I try asking others to join me at events, but this usually ends up in disappointment with no one wanting or able to attend, and the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness resurfacing. This cycle has continued my whole life, and this is the very cycle that I need to break. So now I face my loneliness in the face. Hello! I accept you and honour you. You give me space to be Me! You don't judge Me! You don't tell Me what I can and can't do!  It is time for me to embrace You and if I am to live this life alone, then I must make peace with You. My happiness must come from within Me; From the work that I do and the way that I spend my time. 

So today, on my birthday, I asked myself, Irene my friend, what lights you up? and I answer, "writing lights me up" and "mentoring lights me up", and today I was given the opportunity to complete both. Of course, there is only one other person who lights me up, and that is my sweet sweet boy, who is more like his father every day. Struggling with his own teenage demons, and unable to express his true feelings, he actually wrote me a note telling me how much I mean to him and how sorry he is that he struggles to express himself appropriately. And yet, he did express himself for the first time ever, bringing me to tears as I found the note hidden under my drink bottle on my desk. 

Today I friend you "Loneliness". Today I will stop trying to hide you away and cover you with meaningless relationships. Today I embrace You and embrace Myself. I am a good person and do everything I can to support others, often to the point of full depletion of Myself. I am often misunderstood. I am different. My brain is not wired the same as the majority of the population, and today I say, "That's okay".  

I lost my first ever brain cancer patient recently, and it hurt and continues to destroy my heart. His family almost completely shunning me now. I felt I did everything I could for this family, as I treated many of his adult children as well as him. But his life I could not save, despite my best efforts. As the news of his health moving to "end of life", I stood back respectfully, to allow his family to be by his bedside. I never had the chance to say good bye or to tell him how grateful I was to be chosen as his practitioner. I hope in the afterlife, he understands just how much I cared, and just how heartbroken I am that he is gone. I hope that one day, his family will speak to me again, and understand that I am hurting too.  

I wish and hope for many things, and I still talk to Mark every night and tell him how much I miss him, but also how much I appreciate the opportunities that I am presented with. I have an assistant at work now, and she is truly a dream come true. She takes such a load off my shoulders, and gives me the opportunity to focus on my clients. Some might say that "business must be booming if I can afford an assistant", but it's really a case of spending money to make money, and a little bit of crossing the fingers that I make enough money to be able to pay her. I don't have all the answers, but I know that I needed to make changes if I am to preserve my sanity. My constant burn-out is unsustainable, and this is my last attempt to make this business work and to continue to gain respect from my peers. It's not an easy road that I have chosen, but then that was never my destiny. 

Post number 83 - The Romance Intensifies

I continued meeting with this mysterious online stranger for nearly four weeks, seeing each other several times each week. With every encounter, our attraction to each other continued to intensify and a weekend escape was organised, to provide an opportunity for uninterrupted time together and intimacy. The lead up to this weekend became sexually supercharged, the closer it came to the date. 

I had no expectations on how this time away would look, but simply organised all the food, so that we would not need to leave our accommodation for the duration of our two night     stay. We enjoyed the most delicious meal at a nearby country pub, with exquisite fine dining food, before we made our way to the little bed and breakfast that I had arranged.

After nearly three full days of complete immersion into each other, returning to the reality of life hit hard. While away, our phones were silent and any outside pressure bounced off our invisible forcefield. There had been no need to dress, apply makeup or style the hair. Simply to "be" in the present moment with the present company. No expectations, no worries, just discovery in the self and in the relationship.

Conversation came easily, as did the seemingly constant love making. Tenderness, gentleness and care, always at the forefront of all activities, it was hard to not feel the love that was being generated.  Sleep was difficult however. The unfamiliar environment, the bed, although not uncomfortable, not one's own, and the sharing of this place of sleep with another. Both wanting the other to feel relaxed and content in sleep, somewhat compromising our own opportunity for deep slumber.

Leaving our love nest came with a flood of realisation that we had to return home. Delaying this process a little seemed an obvious choice, as did heading straight to the coast. But being out in public again felt uncomfortable, not to mention the extreme heat and stuffy, unairconditioned cafes.

My head filled with all the things I had let go of when I had entered our love bubble. My work, my home life and of course, if I could make a future with this man that I had been naked and fully exposed with. I had given myself completely to him, and I began questioning whether I had left myself too exposed, and suddenly I felt vulnerable again.

Our time together exceeded all expectations, although there hadn't been many expectations to speak about. We seemed to be physically compatible and enjoyed all aspects of our intimacy, without concerns or secret worries. So why was I in any way doubtful?

Coming back home, I forewarned of what was likely to happen when I walk through those doors, my prediction accurate. Animals left uncared for in blistering heat, it was difficult to stay calm. I snapped and spoke harshly to those in my household, while my new lover witnessed the side of me that I had been hiding since our relationship first began. My frustration and the weight that I carry every normal day of my life, and my crumbling beneath it, now fully exposed for him to witness.

He appeared unconcerned and even understanding of my emotions, but secretly I wondered if his feelings had now changed, and if he was taken aback by what he had seen and heard. When he left, the energy felt different. There was no mention of the word "Love", as there had been during our brief escape, and the parting kiss not as passionate. There were no other words of reconnecting or "missing" each other, as there had been at every other parting of ways. Even the evening texting, not as sexually charged as before, but perhaps this was because that side of the relationship had now been addressed.

There was understandably, a lot for both of us to emotionally process. In just four short weeks, our relationship had accelerated at light speed, and our feelings had progressed much deeper into the area of falling in love with each other. I had no more secrets, nothing more to uncover, my life and myself, now fully cracked open and vulnerable. The shield around my heart almost fully gone, but still hanging on in fear of what may come next. Could anyone ever fit into my crazy and often intense life? Could I ever have love again, and if so, was he the one? Logically, one would say yes, and yet I felt a hesitation without rationale. I felt so confused and conflicted, now back in my home environment, I no longer knew what to think or feel.

I sat with all the uncertainty, unable to focus on the tasks now in front of me. The household duties, grocery shopping and food preparation for those who depend on me. The endless "To Do List" that is life, or at least, my life. I drowned myself in tasks, and asked my spirit guides, "What comes next?" and hoped the answers were the ones that I longed for, and not another "life lesson" that I need to endure.

A few days later, we met again, and the longing for each other's company had returned. He now knew where I lived, had spent time with Sebastian, and we even spent a day on a project together with Sebastian. A quest to purchase new baby heritage breed chickens, which we would pick up from the Adelaide Hills, became one of our "dates". Together as a threesome, we built an enclosure for the our new pets to live in, separate from our adult hens, then headed up to the hills for a lovely country style lunch. We purchased food and supplies for our new arrivals, and Sebastian picked out his little babies, before heading home and settling them in. The day flowed so easily and effortlessly, as if this man was already part of our family. How could this be after such a short time together? 

On another occasions, we cooked together, producing healthful food made with care and love, each encounter feeling natural, easy and effortless. It was like watching a Hollywood love story. A fantasy, a fairytale, and surely not how it happens in real life, and yet it was. But there were complications. Not in our relationship or our growing love for each other, but in his housing arrangements, and I began having concerns as each week passed.

I had now opened up my whole world to him, even my workplace, and yet I had not been introduced to any of his family or even seen his home, due to the other people living there, mainly his ex-wife. This made opportunities for intimacy very limited, and I began feeling doubtful and worried once more.

A beachside holiday came next as the school holidays were fast coming to an end. An opportunity to spend quality time alone with Sebastian was called for, before he would start another year at high school. Our familiar beach shack accommodation, provided us with much needed time to breathe and reconnect with each other, but my boy seemed distant once more. We talked, I asked questions, and tried to find answers to his low mood, assuming it must have something to do with this new man who had entered our world. He assured me however, that it had nothing to do with that, but more about him trying to find his place in this world, his purpose, his people, and a meaning to his skills and talents. He also seemed to no longer connect spiritually with his father, and no matter how much evidence I showed him of his presence, he continued to be dismissive.

Twice daily long walks on the beach, sometimes with, and others without conversation followed, as well as a visit from my new love interest. He was keen for our dogs to meet, as he wanted to be able to spend time with me, without ignoring his dog's needs for companionship. I was doubtful that this was going to go well, as my dog, now quite old and often moody, generally preferred her own space. His dog young, bounding with endless energy, large and full of life. I appreciated that we needed to give this a try, so we arranged to meet at the beach that we were holidaying at. To my surprise, the meeting went amazingly well. My grumpy old schnauzer, seemingly following his dog around, even greeting people and other dogs, a personality trait that was NOT her own. Back at the holiday shack, my girl showed this young adolescent who was boss, and he happily allowed her to have this role, despite having the capacity to dominate her in an instant. As the darkness came, the two dogs shared a very small lounge room space, at one stage, laying on the floor, face to face, with only half a metre between them. I could not believe what I was witnessing, as there was no way that this should have worked, and yet, it did.  

It seems everything that should be complicated in this relationship, seems effortless, at least almost everything. One evening, I explained how I was feeling, somewhat concerned about how it would be received. I could not hide my concerns any longer, especially as they had been keeping me awake at night. He appreciated my honesty, and we talked long and deeply about his situation, all while assuring me that this would soon be rectified. 

So I take some deep breaths, trust in what comes next, and try to keep my focus on the here and now. At this moment, I feel loved, even cherished. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, he swoops in and takes the weight away. When I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, he gives me energy and calm. When I feel unworthy, he makes me feel precious and valuable. Never have I felt so content since Mark left this world. Never have I felt so calm and happy, when the pressures of my life are still very much front and centre. On paper, he would not have been someone I would have chosen. He is nothing like Mark, nor does he need to be. Logically, it shouldn't fit, and yet it does. The minute I am in his arms, I soften and feel relaxed. No one has done this to me before, and the feeling is intoxicating for me. I don't like being hard and intense, but felt this was just who I was. But I am now discovering a new side of myself, one that he unknowingly brings out in me, and I like it a lot.