It wasn't long before the romantic fairytale changed, and true colours made an appearance. My heavy feelings of the world closing in on me continued, with more stresses than any single person should have to deal with. The space where my Mum lived, was becoming more and more cluttered, to the point that it was becoming impossible to ignore. I decided it was time for a renovation, and a chance to clean and make that space beautiful once more. Seven years of obsessive and uncontrollable hoarding meant there was very little space to walk around, and every corner was full of bags or boxes of "stuff".
In discussions (and arguments) with Mum, it was decided that she would go back into assisted living for a three month period, so that I could empty everything out, clean, paint, and re-cover the flooring and windows. It would become a "respite" for us all and for our relationships with each other.
My lover swooped in and saved the day yet again, by bringing his trailer, so that we could relocate her into the retirement village that housed her before she moved in with us. Having his help made the task so much easier and she was soon settled in with all her worldly and most important possessions, while I started the massive cleanup task.
A week later and I was making great progress and the space was already looking better, less cluttered and clean. It wasn't long before we took the opportunity to sleep in this space, as it was located a very long way from Sebastian's bedroom and it had an adjoining bathroom. It was at this time, that I was given a proposition, as this living space had the opportunity to "fix" some of the current living arrangement problems in our relationship. I was offered significant weekly rent as a financial incentive in allowing him to move in. With Mum's clothes still hanging the wardrobe, I was a little taken aback, and I responded with a "I'll think about it".
The next few days however, saw him continue to come over, each time bringing his dog and a car full of clothes and other "bits and pieces". When I challenged him on this, he responded flippantly, as it was "just a few clothes" and "no big deal". I was told to chill out and not be so argumentative about everything. The next thing I knew, he had bought a new doggy door and was cutting a big hole in my fairly new laundry door, so that his dog could easily access the entire property with ease.
Within two weeks, he was fully moved in, and I was left dumb-founded and wondering how or why I let this happen. It wasn't long before I started to feel uncomfortable with him being around all the time, barely working, and barely contributing to the household financially. He was "between jobs" now, and working only a few two hour shifts a week. The rest of the time he spent looking for the "perfect" job, or watching movies on Netflix, while I continued to work fulltime hours and completed all the domestic duties. On one occasion, he "cleaned" but only the space he was living in, which left me to clean the rest of the house. He of course, boasted about how much he had contributed and that he always did the housework at his house. The cost of groceries continued to increase, and I felt a pressure to provide a home-cooked meal each night, and it had to have lots of protein. One time he actually gave me advise on weight loss and boasted how he could be a personal trainer as he had so much knowledge on nutrition and weight loss!
I was beginning to despise him and even avoided going home as I knew he would be there. My bank account was dwindling and while I completed the renovation of the balcony, any other renovation progress completely stopped due to his presence.
One morning, we all sat in the main lounge room eating our breakfast, his dog perching himself on the couch in-between Sebastian and Me. My darling old schnauzer Elsa, came over to me for a pat, and his dog did not like that at all. A jealous dog, he demanded attention, and he had taken ownership of us. He leaped off the couch and lunged at Elsa, while I threw myself in-between to protect her. She barked aggressively back and the two dogs meant business with all teeth barred. He was eventually encouraged to go outside, and was given a "treat" once free of the pressure cooker inside. I was left shaken and furious, to see his dog rewarded for such behaviour that could have seriously hurt my dog, if not kill her, as well as putting myself and Sebastian in danger.
Later that morning, he left for his two hour shift, never mentioning the incident. He did however, notice my coldness and questioned it. I told him how upset I was, my hands still shaking, and how he had rewarded the behaviour, almost encouraging it to happen again. He laughed and told me that he "knew his dog" and that no one was ever in danger. He then outlined that when he first started bringing his dog around, it was always my dog that would boss his dog around, and it was just his time now to stand up for himself. Somehow, he had managed to make even this incident "my fault".
I spoke no more, and waited until that evening, to ask him to move out. I was completely done. Any love that I had started to feel for this man, started reversing the minute he pushed his way into my home. By this stage, we were arguing daily, and I was always left feeling like everything was my fault and told I was argumentative. I continued to uncover lies and tall stories that he would tell, and I really wanted it to all end immediately.
The minute he was gone, I slept soundly in my own bed again and I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. The very next day, I booked a trip to the Red Centre, so that Sebastian and I could getaway, reconnect and heal. While the trip was amazing, and fulfilling in many ways, I was left with a massive renovation task to finish, in now half the time. Somehow however, I managed to arrange all the trades and the work was finished in record time, and Mum moved back in again, as she had also had enough of living with others who didn't understand her.
So now life is back to some kind of normal. Mum is home again, work is busier than ever, and I am on my own again left wondering if I am destined to live this way for the rest of my life, or if there is a bigger plan for me. Did I fail at yet another relationship, or am I just continually attracting the wrong kind of person? My fear of loneliness over-shadowing all the signs that this man was not right for me. It's true that in both the relationships that I started, my energy was almost a desperation to not feel loneliness and to find happiness by being in a relationship, rather than finding the happiness within myself. By going into these relationships in this way, meant that I completely lost my true self and went back into care-taker mode. As a person who is continually giving of myself, I lose all sense of self and ultimately, I end up alone. Even friendships break down, and I am left hurt and lonely yet again.
Birthdays are an example of times when I feel the most lonely. I try asking others to join me at events, but this usually ends up in disappointment with no one wanting or able to attend, and the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness resurfacing. This cycle has continued my whole life, and this is the very cycle that I need to break. So now I face my loneliness in the face. Hello! I accept you and honour you. You give me space to be Me! You don't judge Me! You don't tell Me what I can and can't do! It is time for me to embrace You and if I am to live this life alone, then I must make peace with You. My happiness must come from within Me; From the work that I do and the way that I spend my time.
So today, on my birthday, I asked myself, Irene my friend, what lights you up? and I answer, "writing lights me up" and "mentoring lights me up", and today I was given the opportunity to complete both. Of course, there is only one other person who lights me up, and that is my sweet sweet boy, who is more like his father every day. Struggling with his own teenage demons, and unable to express his true feelings, he actually wrote me a note telling me how much I mean to him and how sorry he is that he struggles to express himself appropriately. And yet, he did express himself for the first time ever, bringing me to tears as I found the note hidden under my drink bottle on my desk.
Today I friend you "Loneliness". Today I will stop trying to hide you away and cover you with meaningless relationships. Today I embrace You and embrace Myself. I am a good person and do everything I can to support others, often to the point of full depletion of Myself. I am often misunderstood. I am different. My brain is not wired the same as the majority of the population, and today I say, "That's okay".
I lost my first ever brain cancer patient recently, and it hurt and continues to destroy my heart. His family almost completely shunning me now. I felt I did everything I could for this family, as I treated many of his adult children as well as him. But his life I could not save, despite my best efforts. As the news of his health moving to "end of life", I stood back respectfully, to allow his family to be by his bedside. I never had the chance to say good bye or to tell him how grateful I was to be chosen as his practitioner. I hope in the afterlife, he understands just how much I cared, and just how heartbroken I am that he is gone. I hope that one day, his family will speak to me again, and understand that I am hurting too.
I wish and hope for many things, and I still talk to Mark every night and tell him how much I miss him, but also how much I appreciate the opportunities that I am presented with. I have an assistant at work now, and she is truly a dream come true. She takes such a load off my shoulders, and gives me the opportunity to focus on my clients. Some might say that "business must be booming if I can afford an assistant", but it's really a case of spending money to make money, and a little bit of crossing the fingers that I make enough money to be able to pay her. I don't have all the answers, but I know that I needed to make changes if I am to preserve my sanity. My constant burn-out is unsustainable, and this is my last attempt to make this business work and to continue to gain respect from my peers. It's not an easy road that I have chosen, but then that was never my destiny.
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