Post number 87 - It comes in three's

Another year passed and Christmas came and went with many profound differences. Firstly, our dear Regina could not join us this year, as she prepares to move from her Hamburg apartment of 15+ years, to a smaller community building project in the countryside. On top of that, she was still undergoing many dental treatments to correct what we now know to be, the main cause of her breast cancer diagnosis! Shocking but true and this discovery changed many things in my clinical practice in that I now educate clients and other practitioners about. I even wrote a comprehensive article on the subject of dental health which I shared with my dentist which outlined all the correlations relating to dental treatments and bacteria and the harm they can cause to our health.

Another profound difference to our festive season was the absence of my Mum, or Oma as we call her. Her health started to decline at the start of the year and she was losing weight rapidly, mainly because she reduced her food intake. She also spent most of her time in her chair watching TV, or mainly falling asleep in it, often becoming quite disorientated when she woke up or when I came to visit. At 98 years old, we made the tough decision to move her into a nursing home.

This process, nearly broke me completely, in fact, I do feel that I had a nervous breakdown!

In the months prior to making this decision, my father-in-law (Mark’s father) was also declining at a rapid rate. He was living in a self-contained independent living unit in a retirement village, so he still needed to make his own meals, shop, cook and look after himself, which, as it turned out, he was not really coping with. He was also losing weight rapidly and becoming disorientated on a regular basis. He had also had several falls and a minor car accident had his drivers licence revoked. This sent him spiralling downwards and we now know, that he also stopped eating three meals a day, despite having a freezer full of food, much of which was home-cooked and delivered to him from various family members.

A chest infection had him in hospital several times and we came to visit him. I gave him nutritional supplementation, but this was reliant on him taking it, which it turns out, he didn’t do. In hospital again, I was advised that his life was likely to end soon, so we made the trip once more to visit him, staying in his retirement village home in his absence. With little Leo in toe, we took it in turns to go in to the hospital and sit by his bedside. When not at the hospital, I ran my webinars in the evening, saw local clients and made a start on cleaning up his unit, which was in a terrible state.

I sorted his clothes, his DVD’s and made the shock discovery of cupboards and his fridge full of outdated food. The more I cleaned, the more I could see just how long he had been skipping meals, as all the food seemed to be dated around the same time. Every cupboard had duplicates of essentials, as if he had forgotten where he had put things, so he bought more and put them in another cupboard, only to lose them again, and fill yet another cupboard or drawer.

The evidence of his mental state very clear and the cleaning task was immense. Little by little, we sorted, cleaned and disposed of items that could not be salvaged. Five days later, we had no choice but to return home. Sebastian had already missed so much school and was in danger of failing several subjects.

His start to the school year had been good, but it wasn’t long before he needed days off from the school environment. Despite losing his best friend from last year, he still had many other really good friends who were very supportive and he of them. But this wasn’t enough. He found the classroom environment unbearable, and my heart was breaking for him, as there was little I could do to ease his pain. Only little Leo gave us all joy and some much needed relief from the mental anguish.

As we visited Allan’s bedside once last time, his breathing had profoundly changed and he was drugged up on pain killers and barely conscious. While my brother and sister in-law sat far away from the bedside, I took Allan’s hand and whispered in his ear… “It’s okay to go now” I said. “You have fought the good fight and you no longer need to hang on. It’s okay to let go. Go and see Mark and hug him for me and tell him I love him. None of this real men shake hands business (as he would always say). You hug him and be with him and with Jean, they are both waiting for you”.

To my surprise he nodded and gave a little groan before closing his eyes once more. I shed a little tear, said my goodbyes and we started the journey home. Several hours later, while still travelling home, we received a phone call advising us that he had left this earth. Sad but relieved that his pain was over, we finished our sombre journey home.

Four weeks later, we returned once more to attend the funeral and finish the clean-up of the unit. Everything was how we had left it, so we continued the clean-up until it was all done. The funeral was packed full of family and friends and the service simple but meaningful. Sebastian and I found some lovely poems at the unit which re read at the service and the wake. At the wake, I took charge of the microphone and asked everyone to share stories about Allan. It was truly a wonderful send off and I was very proud of what I had achieved, despite it not being so well received by all members of the family. But I honoured the man who had fathered the love of my life and no one was going to stand in my way in achieving that.

While still in Mount Gambier, I received a call from a nursing home advising that they had a place for my Mum and I needed to view the room and I had 24hours to make a decision. I explained that I was in the process of sending off my father-in-law and not in town to view the room, and they made an exception and gave me another day to complete the process.

The very next day from returning home from the 5-hour drive, I was at the nursing home with Mum, convincing her that this was the right time to move and three days later, she moved in. I then had the next task of cleaning up her unit, sifting through years of hording and mountains of clothing, underwear, knickknacks and food. I also had the task of furniture removal and disposal. This process took another three weeks to fully complete and I felt so blessed that my now retired neighbor offered his help with the furniture removal process. But the work was again immense, time consuming and emotional.

I managed to find a home for everything and boxed up her personals as best I could, to store them in various places in my home and storeroom. Her constant phone calls asking for this or that was relentless, but she embraced the change as much as she could, involving herself in daily activities which gave me peace of mind that we had made the right decision.

But the emotional and physical task of it all was too much and on top of all of this, the running of not only my business, but also Techspace Learning took its toll, when the bookkeeper and new director both resigned in the same meeting, right before our biggest events of the year, Science Alive and Royal Adelaide Show. Of course, I took it all on board and it didn’t take long before I completely shut myself down. I had nothing left to give the world. Not clients, not the kids at the Robotics Club, not Mum, not even Sebastian.

I stopped seeing clients and stopped attending the club and spent my time at home, withdrawn from the world. Getting out of bed was difficult and my pain levels maxed out and my body weight ballooned out of control. I was at my lowest of all lows and often thought about ending it all and easing the pain.

It took me about two months to recover, some great herbal supplements and some homeopathy to clear my mind and get back on my feet again. From there, I went full steam ahead again and the promise of some money from my father-in-laws estate had me working on a new project…. A new clinic room to call my own, setup my way, at my own property which would be rent free of course.

I went full steam ahead on this project, building fences and gates to contain little Leo, automating and renovating my tired old main gates that accessed my back yard and went full throttle on the creation of a bathroom in the separate building in the yard, which had been Sebastian’s bedroom for the past two years.

Sebastian moved back into the house and I setup a lovely bedroom for him and Leo, while trades came in and built the bathroom and kitchenette in the old building. The idea being, that the room could be later repurposed as a rentable granny flat for when I retire, to bring in some additional income. The costs blew out in all directions and the promised estate money never came. I was forced to drain my Mum’s bank accounts and my financial investments to pay the trades and this sent me into a new form of financial stress that I had never experienced before. I now had no safety net at all to give me peace of mind and this was most uncomfortable indeed.

By the end of November the room was finished and I fussed about setting it up just how I wanted with all my resources close at hand. But the financial burden made it hard to rejoice. The realisation that I could have done things cheaper if I had paid more attention, ever haunting my mind. The knowledge that I had put us in this financial position, instead of waiting for the estate money to actually land in my bank account, riddling me with guilt.

Allan passed away in April and now nine months later, the money is still to show itself. Estate lawyers seemingly cunning to continually postpone the process, making everything so much more frustrating for everyone involved.

But then finally a breakthrough. Mark’s beautiful old girl, his much-beloved red Nissan 200sx finally found its rightful owner and I was thrilled. After 12 months of trying to sell her through a third party, I finally took matters into my own hands and advertised her myself. Within three weeks, and so many time wasters, I finally found a local young guy who understood the value of the car. He offered me a reasonable price and within a few days, the money landed in my account and the papers signed and she purred away with her new owner. I had washed her the previous week and I shed several tears as I just knew in my heart that this would be the last time I would wash her, and I was right. The new buyer called several days later and before I could catch my breath, she was gone but some financial reprieve restored – bittersweet they say.

So yes, our Christmas was a quiet one. No Regina to spread the spirit of Christmas and Mum, now 99 years old, struggling with leaving the safety of the nursing home. We spend the afternoon and evening of Christmas Eve at my house, but it took its toll on her and she was too exhausted to come again the next day.

So Sebastian, Leo and Myself, enjoyed a quiet Christmas day at home, joining Mum in the afternoon for a Christmas Quiz activity and some piano playing in the main activity room of the nursing home. Then returning home for a lovely roast dinner, cooked together, simply and easily using our air fryer. It was truly a joyous meal and our love for each other stronger than ever.

Now in a new year, Sebastian is looking forward to changing schools once more, to a learning environment more suited to him. The Australian Science and Maths school teaches in a non-traditional way, allowing students more freedom in what they study and how they study it. He was offered and accepted into a TAFE course in IT which he jumped at the opportunity as it would contribute to his final grades. His future is so bright now, his skills in programming, 3D modelling and all things IT seemingly endless. He truly is his fathers’ son and I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he has become. Helping me around the house, taking full responsibility for his animals and supporting me whenever I need it, is all I could ever ask for.

So we rejoice once more and look forward to the year ahead. 2025 was rough, losing Mark’s father, watching my Mum rapidly decline and losing the old girl was not in my twelve month plan, but as we know, we are not in control of what life will throw us next, and we take on the challenges as they come, and hope to heck we come out the other end!