We spent as much time as we could together, cooking, pitching a tent on the back lawn and camping out, playing Sky Landers, playing mini-golf, going to the beach and lots and lots of hugging. Sebastian also slept in my bed, as did Else and we all felt safe and content together. It was such a novelty, but soon I noticed that I just didn't feel any joy or passion in anything we did. I didn't care if I got a hole in one or if my food tasted ok. Nothing really mattered anymore- I was just keeping busy and trying to make life as fun and enjoyable as I could for Sebastian. Life was never going to be the same for us again, no matter how much I filled it with activities.
Soon it was Monday again and time for Sebastian to go back to school. I was a little sad he would be leaving me, yet I desperately needed to get back on top of my studies, so I was happy to get that opportunity, especially with assignments due and exams just around the corner. Sebastian also had mixed emotions. He wanted desperately to see his school friends, in particular his best friend, a girl two years older than him who had been his friend since the beginning of the year. He had so very much to tell her, he explained to me, but he was also concerned about crying in front of the other children.
Once at school I spoke to his teacher and to my surprise, I was unable to hold back emotion. This felt rather uncomfortable because Sebastian and I had not really shed huge amounts of tears since Mark had passed, even though we had talked about him a lot and felt the sadness, we never really broke down. I pulled myself together, hugged Sebastian and headed for the school office to advise them of what had happened. I spoke with administration staff without a problem, but when the school principal took me into his office I lost the plot again. We talked about possible assistance for Sebastian and ways to help him to get through the rest of the year.
That afternoon I picked Sebastian up from school and he seemed fine, that was until he got into the car. He sobbed and sobbed, hardly able to breathe. This was breaking my heart as I tried to work out what had gone wrong. I quickly drove him home and on the way he managed to tell me that his best friend had gone off to play with other girls at both recess and lunch and he never had an opportunity to talk with her and it seemed she didn't want to talk with him. His world had just collapsed. If losing his father wasn't enough, now he lost the one friend he felt he could really confide in.
The next day I spoke with a few support people at the school and they immediately jumped into action. By the time the final school bell rang, Sebastian had his best friend's ear again and a new "circle of friends" group had been established to provide support and friendship for Sebastian. He glowed when I picked him up and I was relieved to know that things had turned around for him when he was in such a fragile state.
Meanwhile I have been getting on with my studies, attending class and working on assignments and making important phone calls to figure out my next move in sorting out all of Mark's affairs and how we were going to move forward financially. Keeping busy certainly helps, and when things are going well and falling in to place, I feel ok. But as soon as things don't go well, I very easily lose control of my emotions and feel the aching loss. I hate feeling it so very much because the pain is unbearable. I don't feel Mark's presence anymore and it still seems too unreal to be true. Nothing makes sense anymore. Even though I was present for his last breath, I saw him lying in his coffin and I delivered his eulogy, it still feels like a bad dream. Even making myself write this blog has been extremely difficult. Getting out of bed these days is harder than ever. I thought it was hard before, but now it seems impossible. If it were not for my Sebastian, I would stay there, without a doubt.
So I guess this is what they call "grief" and I can tell you, it sucks. There is such an emptiness, a void, the uncertainty of the future. Will I have to sell and move? Can I maintain such a big property? Will I need to get a job and would anyone hire me anyway? Do I even care about my studies anymore? Will I get an opportunity to take Seb on a road-trip and is that even the right thing to do so close to Christmas? How will I get around the bank freezing all our accounts when they find out he has passed? I just don't know and quite frankly, not even sure I care.
My body feels weak and my spirit matches that weakness. I have been told countless times that I am a strong woman and maybe that is what gets me through the day. But when I realise that I will never be able to discuss my thoughts, my feelings, my passions with Mark ever again, my world crumbles and I am a mess. I wish I could still feel him, feel his guidance, feel his love and admiration, but I don't and that is the worst feeling. So I continue to take one day at a time and try to fill my diary with catch-ups with friends and busy up my life as much as I can. I have arranged for grief counselling for us both in the hope that we both find some peace and a way to release the pain we both feel, but I don't think anything will ever fill the void or ease the pain. I can only hope that one day, I feel my passion return and give me and our life purpose again.
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