I returned to my studies, sat for a microbiology exam and completed my pharmacology lectures. I never missed a lecture or missed handing in an assignment. Luckily, with the load of only two subjects, it was manageable. Routine and study keep me going, along with Sebastian's happy and loving arms. Then something profound happened. I started thinking about all the gifts that Mark had brought into my life. Not material gifts, but those life-changing things that cannot be purchased from a store.
I did everything I could to save his life and I have no regrets about anything I did, as I honoured his wishes completely. I owed him at least that, as he saved my life many years ago.
In 2005 I resigned as director of the small IT business we had both co-established. I had been living a high stress lifestyle for many years, I was very overweight and I had abused my body continuously with alcohol, stress, lack of sleep and cigarettes. I had very little self-worth and very little self-control. Mark and I had worked together since 1998, first at Bridgestone and later in the small business, Computer Image. We had become very close friends, especially through the years of building the small business and we loved working together and we experienced a mutual respect for each other. I respected him for his "genius-ness" and he respected me for my abilities as a manager and mentor. We were polar opposites in many ways. He was shy and quiet, book smart and a geek, yet witty and kind. I was firm but fair, street smart, convincing and persuasive, misunderstood but generally "got my way"! Together, in the world of computers, we were a force to be reckoned with and we made the "impossible" happen all the time. We did "miracles" too, but they just took a little longer!
Soon after I left the business, Mark and I decided to buy a house together. I wanted an art studio and he wanted to purchase his first bit of real estate. By combining our resources, we were able to purchase a beautiful home, large enough for the two of us to live independently. Our large windows displayed beautiful views and the huge gumtrees filled with all kinds of bird life, gave the feel of the country. We were both so happy we could burst.
Together we cooked, laughed and started an exercise routine. When I would say, "I'm too tired to cook", he would answer with, "I'll give you a hand". Past relationships would have answered with, "Let's get takeaway" which was one of the main reasons for my excessive weight gain. Whenever I didn't feel like exercising or doing yoga, he would gently encourage me to get off the couch. Together, we lost weight and we started enjoying life to the fullest with weekend hiking and a friendly hit of tennis. The house needed much TLC and together we fixed and painted, replaced and upgraded our little piece of paradise, always admiring our work and the skills we acquired through the DIY process.
It wasn't long before we became "friends with benefits" and Mark decided to resign from his stable income job, to seek a career in his love of computer programming. He studied hard and passed the Microsoft exams to gain his certification. It was a true "leap of faith" and I felt so proud of his drive to do this, especially now that he had a mortgage to pay.
Yes, Mark gave me many gifts. He showed me what true love really feels like, he respected and loved me with every inch of himself. He helped me to believe in myself and live with a cause. Through him I realised that I am "worth it" and I have purpose and how I treat my body matters. Together we learnt meditation and grew spiritually through reading books and sharing our inner most thoughts and feelings. Because of him, I am the strong and sometime wise person I am today. I respect and care for myself and I no longer judge myself by the words of others. I meditate when I need to, give gratitude every day for blessings of the day and teach Sebastian to do the same. I have so much to be thankful for and I have chosen to live in this state of gratitude rather than a state of self-pity. Some days are more challenging than others, but when I really take a good hard look at my life, I realise just how very blessed I am.
Today I listened to a song that I love so very much and it reminds me of Mark. If I may be so bold to borrow the words from the stage musical production of "Wicked", "Because I knew You (Mark), I have been changed for good". It couldn't explain better how I feel about this wonderful man and how he has changed me for the better.
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives, for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well.. I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you
I have been changed for good...
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
Because I knew you
I have been changed....for good.
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