Post Number 49 - Summer School Holidays

As I reflect back over the past three weeks I am reminded of just how much time Sebastian and I have had together.  In fact, we have not been apart hardly at all.  Sebastian started the year by attending swimming classes to help him to refresh his water skills and become more confident in pools.  We also had one or two catch-ups with friends, but mostly, it has been just the two of us.  One would imagine, after spending so much time together, that we would want to have a break from one another, but this has not been the case.  In fact, we seem to always run out of time to do all the things we want to do, whether that be playing video games, drawing, colouring, constructing, going to the movies, going out for a meal or going to the beach.  Not once have we become bored or felt the need to do our own thing. 

With the new Star Wars Movie out in the cinemas, I wondered whether Sebastian was ready to watch these epic movies and understand the storyline.  For such a long time Mark and I have wanted to introduce him to this story from a galaxy far far away, but always felt he did not have the maturity to handle the storyline, the endless violence and the scary characters.  I know many people introduce their children to these movies as well as other science fiction programs at a much younger age, but as parents, we felt this was inappropriate.  Sebastian is very sensitive and until recently, didn't comprehend the concept of Hollywood, actors and storylines, even though we had tried many times to explain it.  But it seemed that he had finally understood story/film vs real life, so I decided to try him on the first episode of Star Wars, the story of young Anakin, the character who later becomes Darth Vader.  I explained a lot to him before we started and together we watched "Episode I-The Phantom Menace".  He loved it and was "hooked" straight away.  Then each day, we watched the next episode and the next, until we had watched all six movies in the order of the story rather than the order of the movie release dates.  Finally the story became completely clear to me and I seemed to understand more about these characters than ever before.

Then finally we went to the cinemas to watch the new episode VII.  Originally concerned about its "M" rating, I was soon reassured by those who had seen it, that it was no more violent than any of the other episodes.  We both loved the film and Sebastian has not stopped talking about Star Wars ever since.

So we have been going along well, or so I thought.  Basically, we are both like two rubber bands stretched tight and when everything is going along well, we are both fine, happy and content.  But it does not take much to push either one of us over the edge and we lose all common sense, logic and control of our emotions.

One day in particular, was a very very bad day.  Every-day life had taken a low priority and sometimes I wondered who was the parent in this relationship.  Housework and cleaning up long overdue, I explained to Sebastian that I really needed to spend some time getting things in order, but once this was all done, we would spend the rest of the afternoon playing Skylanders or the new Star Wars Disney Infinity that I couldn't resist but buy days after seeing the movie (like I said, who is the adult here cos I'm not sure). 

The ever faithful Sebastian was always close by, willing to help out and I was willing to give him jobs to speed up the process.  One of the jobs was to empty the blow up pool that we had set up, which was now dirty and full of mosquito lavae.  I asked him to put away all the water toys that he had been using while the pool was in action and to my surprise, he just flat-out refused.  I asked him again and again and he started telling me that it didn't need to be done right now and that it could be left until later.  After several discussions, I lost the plot completely, accusing him of talking back and making me cross and slowing me down in my work.  I threatened to cancel the afternoon of video games, which he happily accepted, which made me even wilder.  I screamed and ranted at him and told him to go away.

Later that morning, we did a grocery shop and as we were leaving, we talked about our cancelled plans and that maybe we could still do them if he promised not to talk back to me again and to explain the real reason why he didn't want to do something that I had asked of him, rather than argue with me, as the real reason for his defiance was due to him not wanting to go inside the house by himself all alone.  He agreed and the cancelled plans were un-cancelled.

However, it was not long until another problem struck and again, I was screaming like a banshee.  My face was red and I could not control my emotions as I walked around the house with my hands on my head screaming "how could you do this to me again?"  Sebastian tailing me, he continually asked me to calm down and maybe have a laydown as I seemed to be stressed.  Eventually I calmed down enough to lay on the bed and Sebastian lay with me while I sobbed uncontrollably.  The ugly crying was the worst I had ever experienced in my life as I felt every part of our loss.  Sebastian handed me tissue after tissue, eventually saying "this is about Dad now isn't it?"  I nodded and sobbed harder, unable to stop.  We cried together and hugged each other, all the while Sebastian telling me that it will be alright and that Dad will always be with us.  He even said that he understood that it is hard to stop crying once you start.

How is it that this young six year old can be so strong and so life savvy in so few years? He seems to be the only human being who understands me and can comfort me and I do the same for him.  We are so inseparable now, it's almost scary.  Today he is having a day in vacation care as they were having a Science Day that he really wanted to attend.  I miss him terribly and the house seems so quiet without him. 

This last week we have started cleaning out cupboards and cubby houses, sheds and storerooms, to rid our home of all the clutter that seems to collect so very quickly.  One day I found a box that seemed to have some of Mark's things in it, the contents completely unknown to me.  Sebastian and I sat down and started to go through it.  There were trophy's for sports and items from school and university, but a small wooden box had us both intrigued.  As we opened it up, we saw a heap of medals and as I read them out, we soon realised that these were all his academic awards from High School.  He had won award after award every year of his time at high school, one year winning five medals for outstanding academic achievement.  I was blown away.  I knew he was smart, I knew he had a higher than average IQ and I know his friend from school had mentioned at his funeral, that Mark was the "smart kid that always won everything", but I guess I thought he was just exaggerating.  But here was the proof, squashed into a small wooden box and tucked away were no one would see it.  I thought I knew everything about Mark, but he never talked much about school or even much about growing up.  He never bragged or thought himself better than anyone else, even though he would have been within his rights to do so. 

I always felt there was something special about him, something extraordinary and yet he did not feel this, no matter how successful he was, so humble was he.  He never stopped learning, never stopped trying to do better, never felt regret or anger for his situation.  He always lived in hope and in the love of his family and I only hope that I continue to make him proud and continue to honour his memory in every way that I can.  I want Sebastian to grow up understanding the greatness that was his father, yet not feel pressured to fill his almighty shoes and be expected to match his academic achievements, but to follow his own heart and his dreams and occasionally take a risk, if it feels like the right thing to do.