Post Number 50 - The Holidays Are Over

Sebastian and I continued to enjoy every last minute of the school holidays.  Much work was completed in our “guest rooms” to prepare the space for Mum, who would be moving-in early February.  A new bathroom vanity was fitted, Mark’s old TV cabinet was modified to suit modern day TV’s, bookshelves installed, the air-conditioning was fixed and a new Ikea cocktail cabinet and lighting was installed to make for a mini kitchenette, complete with bar fridge.



Many trips to Ikea where made, which brought with it a load of stresses and extra costs, but the end result was finally worth it, once I stood back and looked at what I had designed and created.  The living space was beautiful, cleaned and ready.  Mum started to bring small boxes of things and she began settling-in, while also giving me some opportunities to go out in the evenings.  Everything was feeling right and I was looking forward to her being moved in completely.

Sebastian and I continued to keep ourselves busy in the last week of the school holidays.  We caught up with friends at the new Glenelg Playground, Bounced at Bounce, went to the movies, and played Skylanders after finding a heap of second hand items from a gaming shop.  I also enjoyed driving my new car, which I had purchased just after Christmas.  I was so excited to finally have a smaller car that was automatic, easy and light to drive and be able to listen to my favourite music playlists through my mobile phone.  I find that I drive much calmer and the travel is so much smoother and quieter and I no longer feel stressed when behind the wheel.

With only days left before school was due to start, we had an opportunity to visit friends in the Barossa.  The idea being we would camp in their back yard, have fun in their in-ground swimming pool and ride our bikes on the newly constructed bike paths.  Excited and looking forward to seeing our friends, camping and having the opportunity to ride our bikes, we eagerly packed our bags and gathered our camping gear.  But soon our excitement was crushed by severely bad weather.  It rained and rained and rained and the forecast described gale-forced winds!  So ironic when we haven’t seen rain for months!  Their backyard was flooded out and all hopes of camping diminished.  Disappointed, but still determined to go, we threw ourselves into Skylanders and hoped tomorrow would be a better day.

As the sun came up the next day, we decided to pack up and go.  At the very worst, we would still visit our friends and maybe get in a bike ride.  To our delight, the weather was lovely and we soon arrived and headed to Maggie Beer’s for lunch, followed by a dip in the pool.  We ended up sleeping in their motorhome which was a luxury compared to camping.  We had our own living quarters including a toilet, fridge and dining area.  The following morning we set out for our bike ride and I was so proud of Sebastian, who is still quite wobbly on his bike.  In total we rode nearly 10kms and he never complained once.  He was also quite proud of his achievements and the weekend was deemed a huge success. 

That evening, I organised everything for school the next day.  Lunches prepared and breakfast made and ready to eat (Jamie Oliver’s black rice pudding with mango and yoghurt), it was just as well, as we both slept in longer than we should have.  We enjoyed our delicious healthy breakfast, packed and headed for school.  Seb was so excited to see his friends and to start the school year not being the youngest.  We learnt where everything had to go, met the new teacher and after many hugs, I finally left him.  He never looked back and I had to walk quickly back to the car to hide the tears that were streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks.  Last year I was so excited for him and I remember Mark and I went shopping for a new mattress on his very first day at school.  I was so happy to spend the day with Mark, that I never felt sad about taking Sebastian to school.  But this year was so very different.  It was like losing my best friend all over again. 

I kept myself busy with housework, washing and grocery shopping, but eventually I just crashed.  I fell into the lounge and sobbed and sobbed.  Not really sure who I was grieving for, but I just felt so sad, so alone and so empty.  It was time to grow up again and start life.  Back to school, back to my studies, back to routine and back to being a responsible grown-up.  I had so enjoyed living in Seb’s world.  It had been so much fun, constantly talking about Skylanders or Star Wars and seeing the world through his eyes.  Sure we had some sad moments, but as a whole, our time together had been so special and I was so glad that I didn’t interrupt it with summer school studies.  But now that was over.

I started cleaning up my office which had become a dumping ground for “stuff” as I felt I couldn’t begin studying in such a mess.  I desperately needed filing space for all my college paperwork and the countless health articles I had gathered over the past two years, when it dawned on me that the entire second drawer of my filing cabinet had been dedicated to Mark’s paperwork, so began to go through it in order to archive, shred, sort and throw away.  Again I found a treasure, tucked away at the back of the cabinet.  A yellow envelope labelled Mt Gambier High School, inside, four SACE writing-based literacy assessments.  His subjects were English, Economics, Maths and Physics.  He had written about Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, The Parabola, Planned and Market Economics, but the one that jumped out at me the most, was the English assignment titled, “Mark Thompson’s Life Journal”!  Typed pages describing his lifestyle on the farm, his adventures in the Pine Forest (all alone at only two years of age), playing in the car dump, his first pee-wee motorbike at age five, moving from the farm to the township of Mt Gambier, going to the Drag Races with his older brother, the nerves and stresses of starting High School and his beloved new Amiga 500 computer.  He wrote in detail how his Mum didn’t believe he needed a new computer and how he had saved for months to accumulate $350 towards the $800 computer system and how eventually his Mum gave in and paid the rest of the money towards his dream computer.  In his last paragraph he wrote; “I enjoy spending as much time in front of my computer as possible, and I particularly like writing my own games when I have time.  In the future, I would really like to become a computer programmer, because programming is the one thing I really enjoy doing.”

While I am so happy that Mark fulfilled his dream of becoming a computer programmer, and I know he loved his work, one can’t help but wonder whether years of sitting in front of this marvellous invention caused him any harm.  I know there are theories out there about radiation from computer screens and television screens, however, I know of other brain tumour patients who worked in the building industry or on the land, so it is not responsible to say this was the cause.  I have my own set of theories as to how Mark might of become unwell and I believe there is no “one” thing that causes cancer or other serious illnesses.  I believe there are a list of different circumstances that together, can manifest into anything including brain cancer.  I believe our lifestyles, eating habits, work habits, thought processes and pollutants in our food, water and air, all play a part in our general health and well-being.  I wish I had all the answers to finding perfect health.  I myself am astounded by how sluggish my body is, when I eat a diet low in carbohydrates and high in nutrient dense food.  I sleep well now, and yet don’t feel refreshed in the morning.  My body aches and I have put on more weight that I care to admit, yet my eating habits haven’t changed. 

I’m told that grief can manifest in many ways, including weight gain, yet I don’t emotionally eat.  I only hope in time, my body will get back in to balance and with Mum living with us, I will have the opportunity to go out and run again in the mornings and practice yoga or some other such activity in the evenings.  The journey of grief is a long one however and will most likely continue for many years, if not forever.  The state of mind is so powerful over the body and it can change how the body behaves very dramatically.  So for now, I will put the bathroom scales away and keep moving in the direction of best health and keep taking life one step at a time.