How do we even do this anniversary? It's certainly not something to celebrate or commemorate.
Winding back a few weeks and life has been moving along rather nicely. I have been studying hard for exams, doing well in some and average in others, but passing, which is the most important. I have been enjoying my time at College, hanging out with like-minded people and learning from awesome lecturers. Often my day-to-day frustrations melt away when I walk in the door of college and there is always someone to say "Hi" to or chat to.
Last week I completed another two exams and the opportunity came up to take a trip to Mt Gambier so that Sebastian could attend some car racing events that were being held over the weekend. You see, car racing events such as Drags and Drift, car shows, Targa car racing, even Monster Trucks, were all things Mark enjoyed going to. As soon as Sebastian was old enough, Mark would take him along too. It was one of their "boy things" to do together. Often Mark's brother and father would come up from Mt Gambier so they could attend the events together. So it became a bit of a "Thompson boys activity".
Leaving the house for long periods of time is very difficult these days, as I don't like leaving Mum home alone in the house. Respite care is not as easy as I was originally told and hardly any places take bookings and stays are always a minimum of 2 weeks and Mum just wouldn't go. Her fierce independence can make life very difficult at times and she doesn't seem to understand her limitations, making it doubly worrying for me to go away. For example, just today, on a wet, cold and extremely stormy day, while I am at College, and Sebastian has just been dropped home from school, she decides it would be a good idea to step out onto the balcony (which is wet and slippery) and clean the windows. She tells me this with great pride after I have just explained to her that I'm home early because the College had been evacuated due to the extreme storm about to hit!
While I can organise careers to come in daily to check on her and take her out and about, it's the time when she is alone that worries me the most. But I decided I would take the risk and leave her for the weekend, with daily carer visits and enough meals to cover our time away. I registered the “rocket” and with the last exam completed (for now), we packed our bags and headed to the Limestone Coast. It had been many months since I had driven the "old girl", but I didn't need to worry as she was in fine form. We flew so fast that we arrived in Mt Gambier at lunchtime, several hours earlier than usual! The early arrival time was also contributed to Sebastian's idea to eat breakfast on the way, rather than at home, then have to clean up before heading off. "When did you get so smart?" I asked him. I pre-made a muesli, yoghurt, berries and chopped nuts breakfast delight the evening before, as well as some muffin sized vegetable quiches for our lunch, and we were on the road by 7am and eating breakfast some 150kms through our 420km drive!
The weekend away was a huge success, despite the somewhat average weather at times. Sebastian had such a great time but was also quite sombre at times. While he enjoyed the time with his Uncle and Pa, and he discovered his uncle had a really cool rally car video game, there was also that realisation that someone quite important was missing from all those car fumes, smoke, car crashes and excitement.
On the last day, we had discussed going to the cemetery. I had asked him if he wanted to go and he had originally said no, but upon further reflection he decided that he did want to go with me. With spring just beginning, Sebastian's uncle's garden was alive with flowers in every direction you looked. So together, we picked the most beautiful bunch of flowers and had our moment at the cemetery. We held each other close, told Mark how much we loved him and missed him, but also thanked him for still being with us in spirit.
Inside the car was quiet for the first half an hour as we headed home, with the exception of the loud engine noise and road noise! The car seemed to "take off" at random times throughout the weekend, especially as we arrived in the Mount, or when driving to and from his brother’s house. It was as if she had a mind of her own or was being controlled by someone other than me. It was exhilarating and I started to feel why Mark loved this car so much. His presence so strong in that car, I could have kept driving and driving and never once did I feel tired.
So that brings us to today, 3 days after returning home from Mark's home town. The place he always called "home", where he grew up and where most of his family still live. It was always very important for him to travel back several times a year and the last trip he made, he took Sebastian along, and based on all the photos and stories they shared upon their return, the two of them had shared a special weekend together. One way that I can honour his memory is to ensure I travel there as often as my schedule allows and to ensure Sebastian also grows up with fond memories of this special place. Its’ natural beauties are so exceptional, so unique and I often tell Sebastian stories of the times his father and I spent there.
So commemorating this day, the day his physical body left us, is a difficult one. It's a day when I am at College most of the day til late, Sebastian is as school and the weather is quite fierce. On the night of Mark's passing, Sebastian and I had been enjoying a dinner at our favourite local café when I received the call from the hospice that Mark's condition had changed. I remember that night very vividly, so we decided that we would have dinner there again, despite the nasty weather. I reminded Sebastian of what happened that night and while he had some tears, it was ok for him to remember. We talked about our day, enjoyed our beautiful meals and we wrote little notes to send to Dad. After dinner we released a balloon with our notes attached and while I'm not really sure if the balloon actually took off, it didn't really matter as the darkness, black clouds and storm covered up any failings of the balloon flight.
So that's it. Year one completed-365 days without my best friend to hug, kiss, talk to and laugh with. Amazing what you can achieve I guess, when life throws you a situation like this one. Every day Sebastian grows more and more like his father. His wit, his love for music, his intelligence and maturity continue to amaze me and make me feel like I haven't lost Mark at all, he has just morphed into a little boy, who is learning about life all over again, only with a new found confidence that Mark never knew. A confidence to be who he is and be proud of that, no matter what life throws at you. To be so popular that everyone wants to be your friend or just hang out with you. Something neither Mark nor I ever experienced in our youth. Indeed…watching this young man grow up is quite an amazing experience to say the least and I often have to remind myself, “hey, he is allowed to get stroppy, moody and defiant sometimes, he is only 7 you know!”
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