Sebastian started school four weeks ago and has settled in to his new routines, however, after such an amazing year last year, with a young dynamic teacher, the road hasn't been totally smooth. I have also been struggling with his new teachers and their methods and have already had a few strong words to say about it.
That said, Sebastian takes it all in his stride, with grace and maturity, just as I knew he would. He starts playing a school sport (basketball) for the first time this year, which is also exciting and a new beginning for him.
Meanwhile, I have been continuing with my long "To Do" list at home. It seems I cross one item off the list and add two more! Some days I wonder how long I can keep this up for, and other days I just "get on with it". One of my biggest achievements was the conversion of Sebastian's old cubby house into a chicken coop. Constructing new doors, making a perch and installing a shelf and creating two nesting boxes, just part of the fun. The best part was being able to reuse old bits and pieces for a truly zero cost project. Even the paint was left over from other projects. I became quite obsessed with it and loved the opportunity to actually build something practical. The fact that I did most of it by myself, also very satisfying and left me asking questions like, "Would I have done this if Mark was still here? Probably not", "Would he have agreed to this project? Possibly not" yet it all went so smoothly, I can't help but believe there was some "divine intervention". 
Another project close to my heart, and my stomach, is our ever evolving vegetable garden. For years we have built, rebuilt and worked on trying to grow our own food, with very little success. Whether it be soil quality, not enough sun, too much sun, dogs, cats, rats or possums, there has always been something stopping us reaping an abundance of freshly grown food. This year I came really close to my dream of abundance, only to have it ruined practically overnight by rats. The netting that I had installed at the beginning of the season, simply chewed through. Determined to succeed, I began designing and buying materials to completely close in the garden, like a big cage. It's been ten years since we started trying to grow food, so I can't give up now. With some assistance from family visitors from Mt Gambier, we made the appropriate upgrades and began the caging in process. While it's not yet finished, I'm confident that this will work. IT HAS TO WORK!!! 
Another project that I had been putting off, was changing computers. Mark's computer, a Microsoft Surface Pro, just collecting dust, while I continued to use his old hand-me-down. I made the decision that it was time to utilise this amazing piece of technology that will allow me to take a full blown laptop into college, while also being light weight and useable as a tablet. This also meant bringing in all the equipment from his old office into my office and completely changing how I work-with the end-goal being a big improvement to my working conditions.
I'm proud to say, I completed this in much less time that anticipated and without any external assistance. With such a complex network setup and user profile setup, the risk of things not working correctly on the new machine quite high, but again, with some more divine intervention, most things worked themselves out rather quickly and my stress levels were kept at manageable levels.
So with all these success stories, why do I feel so down on the world? Is the grief really taking hold now? I try to make my life fun and yet I just feel numb. My tolerance levels are at an all-time low. Whether it be teachers, other drivers on the road, retail assistants or general public in the supermarket, I just want to tell the world to "bugger off". My weight continues to grow no matter how much I watch what I eat. I began exercising, only to slump back into feeling too flat to get out of bed early enough. I try to remain optimistic as I continue to work with my practitioner, but it is so soul destroying every time I step on the scales. This adds to my bad moods and short fuse as well as the hot weather and the anxiety of starting back at College, knowing I have at least one really difficult subject to get through. I try to give myself positive encouragement and pat myself on the back when I achieve things and realise that this is my life now. I have to do this all myself. I can't show off what I have done or even talk to anyone about it as people genuinely either don't understand or just have their own things happening in their lives and are not really that interested. I'm not meaning to sound bitter, but it's true. While people might want to know general things like "how are you going", they don't really want to know when you might be struggling or sad or just want someone to show what you have achieved. If you say anything other than, "not bad thanks" or "ok, how about you?" they freak out!
Sometimes I worry about my close relationship with Sebastian. While I try hard to not involve him in adult problems or conversations, he is there. He listens, he understands me and he is my best friend. I know that sounds wrong, but who else really cares that much? I ask him each day, how his day was at school and he generally asks me how my day was. Too often, I hear myself say, "it was ok, nothing exciting, quite boring actually". Am I really being a good role model? In many ways, yes I am, but there is always doubt that is ready to creep in when I feel myself being so negative.
For now, I will drink my herbs and take a deep breath; gather my books and hit the classroom and hope for great lecturers, a clear head and a focussed mind as I put one foot in front of the other, and continue to take one day at a time.
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