Post Number 63 - Faking it but not Making it

It has now been five weeks since College went back and I started to struggle almost straight away.  By week three I was breaking down in class and in desperation, I went to my local GP to ask for a full blood test to see if there was something obvious going on.  Studying various blood disorders, leukaemia's and anaemia's sent me down a slippery slope of wondering if I too could be getting a fatal disease.  What was wrong with me? Why was I so flat, so unable to remember the slightest detail about what I was learning or reading about.?  There had to be something terribly wrong.

The months of Feb and March bring Adelaide alive with the Fringe Festival bringing so much entertainment from all over Australia and the world.  Our little city comes alive and I have never really involved myself that much in the festivities.  This year however, I decided that if I wanted to enjoy life, I had to get out there and make it happen, even though I would actually prefer to just stay at home and check-out from the world.  "Fake it til you make it", I told myself.  Get out there and do what others are doing, chill out, have fun, have a laugh, contact some friends. 

So I did.  I lost count of how many shows I went to with different people and different groups.  I also took Sebastian and we spent an afternoon seeing two shows and then decided to see a third!  That day was my best day by far.  Spending time with him and watching him laugh and talk about the things that he saw, filled my bucket.  But often, on other evenings, I began to feel out of place again, like a real "fake", which I guess I was, but I was trying so hard to have fun, but just couldn't. No offence to anyone that I went out with, there was just that deep joy completely missing.  The shows I went to were excellent, one causing my face to ache after laughing non-stop for over an hour.  But the joy of socialising, that one should have, just not there. Any other times of social activity, feeling exactly the same. "What is wrong with me and what have I become", I kept asking myself?

On Friday of that same week of visiting the doctor's office, my phone rang while I was in class and I saw it was the doctor ringing me back.  I had also broken down in his office when he simply asked me how I was.  Although people ask you this all the time, they really don't want to know, but of course, this person actually wanted to know, how I was, and why I had come to see him.  That alone, sent me into a flood of tears. 

Seeing his name on my phone sent me into a panic.  I had only had the blood taken the day before and he has never rung me back with results in the past.  I knew it had to be serious.  I ran out of class to answer his call and he advised me that my iron levels were once again bottomed out, lower than ever before and he was suggesting an iron infusion to quickly restore my levels.  My head was spinning as he told me that everything else was ok and all other results showed similar readings to last year, so no major changes and nothing to worry about. 

Relieved, I agreed to have the iron infusion and returned to class.  In the break, I was again overcome with emotion.  Mainly from relief that there wasn't any major diagnosis or concerns.  But the question still haunted me, "why are my iron levels so low all the time, when my diet is so good".  I knew the herbs I was taking had strong levels of iron and I had started yoga classes to help with stress.  My lecturer saw my distress and asked if I was alright and could she help with anything.  As a natural health practitioner herself, I was keen for her input.  Immediately after looking at my blood test she told me to look into "Pyrrole Disorder".  I quickly looked up the signs and symptoms and body mechanisms that surround this disorder and I felt like I was reading about myself.  The emotional outbursts, the "anger episodes", intolerance, fatigue, iron deficiency, it all started to make perfect sense.  I contacted my natural practitioner and explained my findings and he too agreed with the diagnosis.  I contacted the GP and explained that I would like to be tested for this disorder, but alas, he had never heard of the condition and "needed to do more research before he would agree to the testing".  This astounds me, as the test would be paid for by myself as it is not covered under Medicare, so why does he have to "approve it"?  Needless to say, he has not gotten back to me. 

With three lectures on Fridays, I had the opportunity to briefly mention this disorder to three different natural health practitioners and they all agreed that this was a possibility based on my signs and symptoms and the trauma that I have been through in recent years.  I decided I would start supplementation straight away, which included a specific form of zinc and B6 as well as strong Vit C to help with iron absorption as well and amino acids and Vit E.  The following week I had the iron infusion and expected to feel better within days, but as yet, that has not happened, even though some 8 days have now passed.  But there are some improvements.  My head is starting to feel clearer and I am now sleeping really well, better than ever actually.  And I am feeling calmer and not so agitated and angry at everyone who seems completely incompetent.  I still have a long way to go, but hey, the body takes time to heal itself so I have to be patient.  The thought that I may once again feel good, enjoy exercising, lose weight and regain a zest for life a real possibility now.  I hang on to that dream as I continue to plod through lectures, texts books and research papers and hope that my brain function kicks in soon enough to allow me to pass mid-semester exams which are very close indeed!!