Pyrolle Disorder runs in families and is often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, depression or other mental health disorders. My grandmother was diagnosed with this condition which I already knew, but I didn't know there was a link to vitamin and mineral deficiencies that could lead to such dramatic behaviours. My grandmother was deemed "unfit" to raise her three children, so they were sent off to be raised by other family members. My mother and her sister were raised by their grandparents and their brother raised miles away in another town. The family was always disconnected and disjointed and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to be ripped away from your home and placed in a completely different town and be raised by almost strangers, at the tender age of five. Mum lived with her grandparents for almost a year before her sister joined her and they rarely saw their little brother.
I asked Mum about those times and if there were any big events leading up to her mother's diagnosis. She was quick to point out that after the birth of her little brother, her "Mum had never been the same". I asked if the birth had been traumatic and she confirmed this, although she did not know the details. Could this trauma have triggered pyroloria? Had there been dramatic blood loss resulting in anaemia? This we will never know, but it certainly is a possibility.
I had my blood tested again four weeks after the infusion and the results came back with amazing figures. Never before had my iron levels looked so good, so no further medical intervention is required. I continue my supplementation and I now feel so much brighter and happier. I feel I can handle stress better and the people around me no longer feel like they are tip-toeing around me in the fear they may "set me off". I was a walking time bomb at home and an emotional wreck outside the home. People looked at me and I knew they were thinking "oh poor Irene, the grief has overwhelmed her". No one understood how I was feeling, not even me, but I knew that the grief had absolutely nothing to do with it. This feeling just made me angrier and more frustrated.
I want to make one thing really clear. Yes, I am grieving and always will be. Yes, my life is different now. But that doesn't mean my life is terrible. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me! I have so much to be grateful for. So so much. I found the love of my life, many never have that opportunity. As a result of that love, I have an amazing young boy who is my world- many don't have that. I have a roof over my head and don't spend each day worrying about how I am going to put food on the table- many don't have that. I have circles of friendships where I am loved and accepted for who I am without judgement, without pity- many don't have that. I have many skills and abilities, knowledge and resourcefulness- many don't have that and rely heavily on others for daily tasks. I study in an environment where I can learn about how to heal myself and hence help to heal others. My life is good. It may not be what I had expected, it may not be easy, but as I grew up with only a mother (my father died when I was only two), it feels familiar to me. Hard work is just part of life and all I really know.
As of this week, my kitchen, after two years of "on again-off again" renovation, is finally finished! The chicken run fencing is also almost finished, time, always being my biggest problem. I have recently recruited a gardener once a month to help me with some of the heavier workloads around my garden. Within minutes of me showing him around the garden, I knew this was one of the best things I had done in a while. His knowledge and passion of native gardens oozing from every one of his pores and he complemented me on one of the most amazing gardens he had seen in a long time. I was so happy to finally find some help who would actually be "help" and it was so nice to have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off. It gave me hope that there are still lovely people out there who share similar ideas and passions as I do. So life goes on a little smoother now. My mind is clearer and more focussed and not cluttered with dark thoughts. I am calmer and happier deep inside. I feel content and able to contribute to society. Mid-semester exams are over and while the results have not been very good, I believe and I can get myself back on track. Life seems enjoyable again and I don't need to pretend anymore. I can be Me, and that's okay!
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