Post Number 66 - Filling a Big Black Void

I'm pleased to say that my health has taken a turn for the better.  The practitioner sessions, infra-red sauna's, supplements and herbs, finally giving me some much needed relief after three months of unexplained symptoms. Our trip to Mt Gambier absolutely jam-packed with fun and adventure, heartfelt love from the Thompson family and new experiences. I started to feel good the day before leaving and sleep came easily. The drive in the "old Girl" effortless with the only stresses being bad weather which slowed us down somewhat.

All that I had wished for was granted. A weather forecast of rain, followed by rain and then rain, somehow changed to sunshine, followed by sunshine and then a little more sunshine. The accommodation simply wonderful with the comfiest bed I'd ever slept on. Nerves started the morning of our planned horse ride and I began to wonder, "What was I thinking, putting my son at risk like this? Who am I trying to make happy? Sebastian or myself?" But the experience was wonderful and I felt surprisingly comfortable in the saddle again, my muscle weakness completely gone and I "mounted up" without any trouble.  On the trail ride, Sebastian seemed to enjoy himself, despite losing his seat and almost falling off when his pony spooked. My heart jumped as I helplessly watched as he regained his seat and his stirrup. After the ride I asked him if he wanted to ride on another day and he quickly announced how much he would love to do it again!

 At his Uncle's house Sebastian enjoyed playing video games, driving remote control cars and driving the quad bike around the yard, albeit driving it under a low-branched tree and giving himself some scratches and scars to brag about. I also enjoyed some time to myself to peruse local farmers markets, read and research in the library and a family day at Warrnambool another highlight. Every day was packed with joy and as usual, as we drove away, heading in the direction of home, the tears flowed. 

Back home, I made it my mission to obtain some chickens and settle them in before heading back to Uni. I began the training with the dog and two days later I had two lovely sweet gentle birds cackling in the new chicken run and Cubby Coop. My joy of finally achieving this goal of ten years was however, quickly overshadowed with worry about the dog getting in, the chickens getting out and a fox having them for dinner. I didn't expect the chickens to be so lovely and such pets. I haven't named them or announced to the world that I have them (until now) as I am too scared that my next Facebook post will say, "rest in peace Tallulah and Penny" (ok, I have silently named them).

As well as "Operation Chicken", Sebastian and I have made the most of our time together, going to the movies, bike riding, playing video games and just "hanging out". I also organised some days at OSHC and a basketball training day with the Adelaide 36ers players.

Today while Sebastian was enjoying a fun-filled day at the school OSHC with his friends, I continued with my weekly sauna and TCM practitioner treatment. In between the two appointments I had a little time to myself, so I headed to the beach to breathe and take a moment. I was quickly overcome with emotion as I saw a young couple with the loveliest little boy (around 2 years) and watched as they walked along holding his hands, laughing, swinging him in the air and taking videos of him. I remember those times as being the happiest times of my life with Sebastian and Mark.

As the uncontrollable emotion flowed over, I asked myself, "What are these tears about?" Then I realised what I had been doing. I have been trying to fill that big black void with things that I love doing in order to try to feel some happiness again. But today I realised, this isn't really working. That happiness feels impossible to achieve, no matter how much I try. This leaves me in a state of limbo and at a loss of hope for the present and the future. I love horses, so very much and I would love to have my own, but I know this is not possible. I love having the chickens, but is the stress really worth it? I love my studies and love learning, but how on earth will I use that knowledge to educate others when all the odds are stacked against me?

What is my future? I try to have faith that everything will work out as it should and I need not worry. Most times I can keep that faith, but sometimes reality overwhelms me and I think "Who am I kidding?; What am I doing?, What is the lesson I am to learn from all this?" When I have some answers, I'll be sure to tell you, but for now, I just feel numb and tired and want to pick up my son and cuddle up on the couch with him, for he is my life and my sole purpose and the one who can bring me comfort on these darker days.