Many months have passed me by, and the relationship that I thought would bring me bliss, most certainly did not live up to the fairytale. My longing for companionship was so strong, that I ignored all the signs that this man was not for me. Seven years of loneliness over-shadowed being treated with honour and respect, but eventually, the feelings of worthlessness made me walk away.
I reflected back over the brief encounter, and highlighted to myself, all the things that were wrong, and not my fault, despite it being suggested that they were. Being alone again consumed me, and made me feel unworthy of love. So I threw myself back in to work, just putting one foot in front of the other, as I have been for so many years.
I put on an assistant, in an attempt to offload some of the day to day tasks and phone calls, and while the concept turned out to be a good one, the person I had chosen was not a good enough fit for me. Failure yet again. Was it my fault? Was I asking too much? Perhaps. But I am who I am, and I cannot be anything else. I am blessed to be working in such a supportive and loving workplace, and there are always hugs and a listening ear when I need one, and that helped a great deal.
At the same time, Sebastian was struggling at school. Not with the workload, but just getting out of bed and being at school everyday. Never before had his moods been so intense, and his inability to get up, so strong. I kept telling myself that it was just 13yo hormones, and that this too would sort itself out. But months went on, and I was unable to supplement him out of this terrible state. He hated school, and everyone in it, and constantly questioned why I had sent him to an agricultural school, as if I had forced this upon him. I felt like I had lost my loving little boy, and was left with a chronically fatigued, angry young man.
Sebastian was ripping my heart apart, and I had to do something about it. I took him to the doctors office and ordered some blood work. His heavy metal / nutrient scans were good, so I felt there had to be something showing in the bloods. When the results came in, there was some evidence of imbalance, but I felt these imbalances were not extreme enough to cause such behaviour changes. And then it dawned on me, that his bed was positioned against the wall, and on the other side, the electricity meter box! While this had always been the case, in recent months, there had been an "upgrade to the service", which included the installation of a "Smart Meter".
Electromagnetic Fields (EMF) are a real problem in our modern world, and can cause a lot of health issues, including contributing to the cause of brain cancer. With Sebastian already being quite a sensitive being, the thought of magnifying EMFs with a smart meter, was quite a shocking and alarming concept, and I blamed myself for not thinking of this sooner. I had been searching for my EMF Meter for some time, so this was in my thoughts, but I just couldn't find it.
One night, while working through my gratitude for the day, I asked my Guardian Angels for help. I asked for some guidance in finding the EMF meter and the next day, I knew exactly where it was. I quickly started testing his room. The device lit up like a Christmas tree, no matter where I stood in his room. The most alarming was the high levels when I sat the device on his pillow!
For the next two weeks, I slept on the couch, while Sebastian slept in my bed, and slowly, my beautiful young man came back to me. This also happened to coincide with the end of the school year, but to see him smile again warmed my heart, and put me at ease. We moved his bed away from the wall, no easy feat due to the built in nature of his furniture, but we made it work. I also purchased a grounding sheet for his bed and a grounding mat for his computer desk, and he moved back into his own room.
At the same time as all of this was occurring, my colleagues at work continually encouraged me to try Online Dating, which I strongly apposed. For many weeks, they told me stories of success and told me to "get with the times" if I ever wanted to find love. Eventually I succumbed, and created profiles with two well known dating sites. At first this seemed exciting, reading profiles and sending messages, but after only few weeks, I found it soul destroying. I rarely had anyone interested in me, and when I did have interest, it was from low socioeconomic, uneducated men, often who were much older than me.
Again I felt worthless, unattractive and unworthy of the human experience of love. I cancelled both subscriptions, but their contractual nature, meant that the payments would continue for several more months, so the profiles remained. I changed the wording, the photos and added more information, but still the results were the same, until one day, after nearly three months, something happened.
I received a message from a man, and I answered it as I normally would. Messages went back and forth for several hours, and then the invitation to meet. I agreed, as I had only actually met in person, one other man, and I felt that it was impossible to get to know someone purely by messaging. I had no expectations, was not nervous, and showed up as my authentic self. I arrived at the meeting place, and could not see him. I sat outside the seaside cafe, looking out to the sea, and wondered if this was yet another disappointment, or as my Angels would say, "another life lesson". "Please", I begged them, no more lessons. I have had enough, and my heart just can't take it.
I waited ten agonizingly long minutes, before he arrived, all flustered and apologetic. I smiled and he bought me coffee. We chatted for hours and finally I had to leave, as I had a client to see that afternoon. We kissed a brief and friendly kiss, and there was a hug that was warm and squishy. Another kiss, another hug and finally we parted ways.
I was taken aback, as I had not expected to actually form a connection with this man. A few days later, and we met again, going for a long walk along the beach with his dog. I was amazed at how many people stopped and talked to him, almost drawn to him, as I was drawn to him. We chatted and laughed and the conversation was very different to other men that I had chatted with. The conversation was much deeper and meaningful, and not about superficial things such as likes and dislikes. The meeting ended with a more passionate kiss and an even warmer hug, and I left wondering, "Could this be something?"
Catch up dates continued, mostly at the beach, and text messages flying backwards and forwards constantly. Even after five long encounters, there is still so much I don't know about him. Sure I know about his work and his family, but I often think about asking him other questions, but when I see him and I am in his arms, thoughts just float away, and I embrace the "here and now", enjoying the moment of this lovely caring man, and how much he seems to want to be in my presence. The kissing became much more passionate, and the physical touch intoxicating. Any more physical touch and we would be arrested for misconduct in public!
But it's all very new and he hasn't met Sebastian yet, nor have I given him my address. He is after all, a perfect stranger. While I am excited for this potential new romance, I feel more in control of my feelings this time, and I am not all heady and giddy as I was before. My brief previous relationship taught me to relax into the moment, and feel what is real, and to look for the red flags. So far, I can't feel anything that doesn't feel right. I keep looking for them, thinking, "this can't be real", so I remain level headed, not giving too much of myself away, and protecting my fragile heart as much as I can. He knows my history. He knows my heart is wounded, and yet I feel safe in his arms.
I also have big plans for my business next year, so I have other things to focus my attention on. This helps me to not spend all my energy on one thing, and become so infatuated, obsessed and invested, that I burn it out. One day at a time, moving gently and carefully, and watching if all the little ducks decide to line themselves up. This is how I will proceed now, and as the end of the year draws to a close, I look forward to the new adventures that may be just around the corner, and I tell myself, "You are worthy of Love".
