Post Number 60 - Turning 90

It's been a few weeks since the "lost car" incident and I have spent the last weeks studying for exams.  The weekend in Mt Gambier proved to be a welcome relief and I spent time with lovely members of Mark's family who I wouldn't usually see.  It was wonderful for Sebastian to also get to know some auntie's and uncles and again concrete his awareness that his family is bigger than he realises.

The weekend was a great success and driving the "old girl" was also a real treat.  But the drive home seemed long and tiresome, much longer than usual.  Almost like I was alone driving this car and no longer had the assistance from Mark.  Lately I have struggled to feel his presence and I wonder if he is still with us.  Sebastian has also been having troubles sleeping and didn't seem his normal self.  He asked me to arrange a Reiki healing which I promptly did, and the results from this session seem to be that he is going through a stage of "letting go".  This seemed to be consistent with his behaviour patterns and it was good to see him feel better again, the heavy load in his head released.  I also had a session to release some of the stresses of past weeks and allow my body to relax and hormone levels to equalise.

That night both of us slept a deep and restful sleep, again reminding us of the importance of listening to our bodies and attending to our emotions as the needs arise.

Once home again, it was time to seriously organise my Mum's 90th Birthday.  She was not going to have any part in any kind of celebration.  I couldn't invite this person or that person.  This venue was not suitable nor was that one. Everything was too expensive and not worth it as we had bills to pay and Christmas is just around the corner.  It was excuse after excuse, argument after argument and it was truly exhausting but eventually a venue was agreed upon. Then I made an appointment to attend a local hairdresser for a simple cut and blow-wave. Considering she hadn't seen a proper hairdresser in years, I felt it was about time.  Again, day after day, excuse after excuse, until at last, I took her to the appointment and stayed to ensure she had a style that she was happy with.

So yesterday was the big day for her party and it was pleasing to see, that in the final week leading up to the party, she had decided to embrace it and starting inviting people from all over. From a function of barely having ten people, we now had the potential of twenty people turning up.  In a panic, I added extra catering, organised a cake and hoped for the best.


And as it turned out, it was a lovely, heartfelt afternoon with fancy
homemade finger food and some lovely people who were truly happy to see her and spend the afternoon with her.  She fussed around at first, but then settled in to enjoy the afternoon, showing photos and telling stories, playing piano and telling German folk-tales.  Sebastian was also a star attraction.  His youth, good manners and beautiful piano playing, made him the second centre of attention. He also seemed to enjoy performing piano and when the time came, he played Happy Birthday nice and loudly and perfectly and everyone sang along.  It was such an amazing afternoon, I couldn't have asked it to run any better.  Once all packed up and back home again, Mum continued to chat about the day and I haven't seen her so happy in a very long

time.  It warmed my heart and the arguments and frustrations melted away, although I was now totally spent, physically and emotionally and all I wanted to do was play video games with Sebastian.


I was so proud of him, as the entire afternoon from Noon til 5pm had been consumed with this party and he helped in every way that he could.  He never complained about it being boring, just chatted to people, helped with all the loading and unloading and played piano to entertain the guests.  Mum seemed to finally realise just how special her grandson is.  I reminded her that not many seven year olds would handle five hours of time with old people without a single complaint and I think she finally understood.  Eventually I managed to get out to Mark's old man-cave office and Seb and I played and played and enjoyed our time together.  This boy really is one in a million and I give gratitude every day that I have him in my life. 

So now I have four days of study left before my final exam of the year.  Today was particularly difficult to get of our bed and everyone in the house seemed to sleep in.  I tried hard to study today, but the brain needs a little more sleep, so tomorrow I will try again.  All I can think about is all the things I want to do after this exam on Saturday.  Painting, cleaning, cooking, gardening, Christmas shopping and decorating.  Relaxing, swimming, bike riding, reading...the list is endless.  I only hope I can retain enough information to pass the exam and then I can truly relax for twelve wonderful weeks of summer bliss! Ah...I can taste the Pina Colada already!

Post Number 59 - What Grief Can Do

Literally thirty minutes after my last post, after feeling so smug and smart with myself, I received a phone call.  It was the police and they called to advise that they had recovered my car!  In shock, I asked where it was, only to be told, "at Glenelg, a street up further from where you stated you parked it!" WHAT??  That can't be.  I jumped in the hire car and raced down there.  The policeman was very nice and told me not to worry and that it has happened to many people.

As I drove, I recollected that evening.  I wasn't rushing and was feeling quite relaxed after a Reiki session that I had had that morning.  I racked my brain about everything I did, what streets I drove down, how quiet Glenelg was on that Monday night and how smug I felt about parking in a "free" car park so close to the Hotel.  But my car was parked quite a ways from the hotel.  No broken glass, no damage at all to the car.  Parking tickets on the window only 5 days old, yet it had supposedly been there for 23 days! Did I really park it here and just forget?  It doesn't sit right with me.  I remember parking in a two car park and yet it was now standing in a three car park, sandwiched between two other cars.  I remember looking for car parking signs to ensure I didn't have to buy a ticket, none seen on the night, yet now there was a 2 hour parking sign right next to the car.  I remember looking up and seeing the hotel and noticing how close I was, yet from this car park, the hotel view was blocked by other buildings.  Absolutely nothing made sense to me.  I thought seeing the car would jolt my memory and I would embarrassingly say "oh no, yes I remember now, I did park here not over there", but no such memory emerged.  Instead, I burst in to tears and blurted out to the police officer, " I didn't park it here, I didn't park it here".  "It's ok", the police officer kept saying.  "The car is in perfect order, no damage has been done and I have already contacted the council and you don't have to pay the parking tickets."

I inspected the car, looked inside the windows as my keys had been posted to the insurance company, so I was unable to open it up.  Everything inside looked as it should be.  The blanket folded neatly on the back seat, my sunglasses in the centre console, Sebastian's booster seat in the back.  "How could this of happened?", I kept asking myself.  "Have I truly lost my mind?" How could I face the world and tell them that the car had not been taken at all? Could I have lost part of my memory of that night?

I know the brain can do funny things.  People will often say that they forget where they put their keys or often forget which floor of the carpark they left their car.  I understand that feeling, of course, we have all done it.  But this is very different, as I truly feel that I can remember, yet, supposedly, I can't. Is it possible that I remember some things but have lost a part of my memory,  the part where I walked three times the distance than I thought I did?  That I remember walking up the street and noticing the houses and thinking this is where I parked rather than where I walked? It's giving me a headache, trying to figure it all out.

The three people who already know about this situation (excluding those I live with) have told me to not be hard on myself and that I should be happy that the car is back and not damaged, and that I hadn't yet signed up on another car, although I was literally days away of doing that.  The whole insurance payout was halted, hours before a money transfer. 

I'm not angry with myself.  I'm not saying to myself, "you stupid woman, what's wrong with you", but rather, "what happened? are you really sure? could you have? if so, what is happening to you?" I'm scarred.  Really scarred.  If I really parked there, and the evidence says I did, then what is happening to my brain?  Can I ever truly trust myself again? No wonder I have trouble studying for exams. It's not that I don't know the information, it's just that I can't remember it all.  My brain just doesn't seem to have the capacity. 

I know what you're thinking.  "Oh poor thing, she has been through so much and is under so much stress, it could happen to anyone".  I agree. But I still don't buy it.  I know grief effects the body physiology, that is a fact.  I also know that prolonged stress has major implications to the physiology on the body, also a fact.  Which is exactly why I had attended to these things with diet, Reiki and Chinese Acupressure, to counteract the effects of prolonged stress, and yet, here I am, writing this ridiculous story, in an attempt to give you some understanding of how grief changes you as a person.  It's not about feeling sad for your loss, it's not about depression, it's not about trying to forget what you have lost, and it's not about time will heal, even though those things can and do play a part. 

As you know, I am quite a capable person.  Sometimes I boast about it a little too much and I have been wondering why I do that.  Am I seeking approval, a pat on the back perhaps? Maybe. But maybe I was also trying to tell myself, by telling the world, that I am okay, when actually, the truth is, I'm not. I'm not okay.  I'm surviving, but that's not life.  I'm trying to be strong and a good role model for Sebastian, when really, I just want to crawl in a hole and die.  I want to create a lovely afternoon tea for my Mother's 90th birthday, but all she does is fight me on everything.  No matter what I do, it's no good, too much, too far, too expensive.  I have done nothing but scream at her for days.  And by scream, I mean scream so hard I strain my vocal cords.  Today I resorted to stamping my feet and jumping up and down, to try to get her to understand something.  She doesn't listen, won't listen, can't hear and won't bend.   Yesterday, I had a feeling that I burst a blood vessel in my brain.  I know we joke about it sometimes, but I actually had a physical feeling of something go pop! I think my whole body will go "pop" or "boom", just like in one of Sebastian's Treehouse Story books, where people's head blow off, but they just pick them up and pop them back on again and all is well!

I should be studying for an exam that I have this afternoon.  A practical exam where I show my skills at questioning a patient and recording their information.  I have practiced this many times and I was feeling confident.  But now I can't seem to get it together.  Maybe after getting all this off my chest and crying yet another river, I may be able to pull myself together and fake it for this afternoon.  Maybe going to Mt Gambier for the weekend will give me some much needed relief or maybe it will exacerbate it? I really don't know.  I really truly don't know.

Post Number 58 - When life throws you challenges

So if there is one thing that has been a strong lesson in all that we have been through, it is that there is only one person in life that I can rely on, and that's me. Not Sebastian, not Mum, not friends, not family.  Just ME! If there was only one life lesson that I could teach Sebastian it would be that one. Having faith in yourself, that you can manage any situation, is something many do not know or understand, but I live it every day. 

Friends are wonderful to have, share a laugh with, have a meal with, maybe even a movie or a night out, but when life gets tough, everyone is busy with their own problems and life situations, and that is perfectly ok and understandable. 

I have been a very independent person since my first marriage failed and never again did I want to rely on a man to get me through life.  But I was only 20 when I first married and I had no idea what life was about.  When I met Mark, I was in a position of power.  A manager in the male dominated field of IT and I always had to work harder than others to prove my worth. 

When Mark and I began living together, we had a mutual respect for each other.  We both valued each others opinions, ideas and skills and together we were an awesome team, both at work and at home and at parenting.  While I never relied on him, it was so very nice to share the load of life with someone equally as capable as me.  Carrying that load now solo is hard, draining and exhausting.  It's not that I am not capable, its just a lot.  Every decision, if it is financial, time away, what to eat, what activities and sports should Seb do, just e-v-e-r-y thing, is up to me.  No one to discuss with, bounce ideas with, just me, myself and I.

Imagine my shock when one Monday evening, I park my car in a well lit side street at Glenelg, to attend a function at the Grand Hotel.  After the function, I decide to have a drink with a friend so we could just have a good chat about how crazy life can be.  I return to the place that I left my car, only to find a pile of glass on the ground and no car.  In shock, I ring my friend and she quickly arrives with her car and drives me home, while I contact the police.

Days later two men were arrested for stealing cars by towing them away, cars that usually cannot be stolen or driven without the original key.  I was in shock for days, hoping and praying that my beautiful newish car that I had only purchased in January this year, would be found and returned to me.  But alas, it was not to be.  Dismayed but still hopeful that everything would work itself out, I picked up a hire car (as part of my insurance) and went on with my life, occasionally looking at car sales websites and taking the odd car for a test drive.  Weeks go by, the car all but lost and the prospect of having to deal with "Car Salesman" not my idea of a good time.  A single mother with a young child, many of those vultures were secretly rubbing their hands together.  I resisted many times, from kicking them in groin and simply walked away. 

The stresses of study and exams has now started to kick in and it has now been three and a half weeks since my car disappeared.  I keep telling myself, it's just a car, get over it and buy another.  But there was something special about that car.  It had so many gadgets and special features, a top of the range model for it's year.  It was also my first big, financial, bold move as an individual to purchase this particular car.  I had little advice or help from anyone and it was a decision based on "gut feel". It represented ME.  This was MY car, not OUR car that was bought for me as my last car had been.

I waited anxiously for the insurance company to give me the payout figure, which was to be "market value". Another weekend passed us by and still no word.  The loan car due back in just a few days, I started to push the company harder to give me a figure so that I could properly negotiate with car dealers.  Eventually the phone call came and my heart sunk as the value provided was some $7,000 less than I had originally paid.  Already anticipating this, I kindly asked who I needed to speak to regarding the valuation.  I quickly did some research and made the call. Within 2 hours, I had brought the price up over the "book value" price, and am now in a much better financial position to actually replace the car with another of equal or better standing.

As an ex-IT person, I do love technology and gadgetry.  Leather seats, alloy wheels, wipers that automatically come on when the window gets wet, headlights that automatically come on when it gets dark and the ability to play music from my collection on my phone or from my music subscription, are all features that I loved so much and made that car special and individualised for me.  Maybe it is all the years of hanging out with Mark that has influenced me in that way, who knows.  But at least that stress is over and I feel quite accomplished at recovering most of the money that I lost from that vehicle, when most people said it couldn't be done.  I do love proving people wrong! Maybe it is my defiant nature, I don't know why.  When someone says "you can't do that", I say, "just watch me".

So for now I will return the loan car, complete an exam and drive around in the "old girl" until the right car comes my way.  I'm not going to compromise and buy an entry level vehicle.  If I have to wait until I have more money, then so be it.  Uni lectures are over for this year and I only have exams to go in to the city for.  I can use public transport if need be.  Either way, I will manage.  The right car will come along and will be waiting for me to swoop in and drive it away.  And those male chauvinistic car salesman better watch out or I may just lose all self control and kick them where it hurts. I have been through so much pain, hurt and loss, I can deal with this and again, Sebastian will learn this life lesson of resilience and self-belief and if this is the purpose of this whole situation, then so be it.  It was worth it. 

Post Number 57 - One Year On

So today is the one year anniversary of when Mark took his last breath and I have no idea where that time went.  A year seems like such a long time and yet, I remember every last detail of those last weeks.  My memory is generally pretty shocking, so why on earth do I have to remember all that stuff that I would rather forget?

How do we even do this anniversary?  It's certainly not something to celebrate or commemorate. 
Winding back a few weeks and life has been moving along rather nicely.  I have been studying hard for exams, doing well in some and average in others, but passing, which is the most important.  I have been enjoying my time at College, hanging out with like-minded people and learning from awesome lecturers.  Often my day-to-day frustrations melt away when I walk in the door of college and there is always someone to say "Hi" to or chat to.

 
Last week I completed another two exams and the opportunity came up to take a trip to Mt Gambier so that Sebastian could attend some car racing events that were being held over the weekend.  You see, car racing events such as Drags and Drift, car shows, Targa car racing, even Monster Trucks, were all things Mark enjoyed going to.  As soon as Sebastian was old enough, Mark would take him along too.  It was one of their "boy things" to do together.  Often Mark's brother and father would come up from Mt Gambier so they could attend the events together.  So it became a bit of a "Thompson boys activity".

Leaving the house for long periods of time is very difficult these days, as I don't like leaving Mum home alone in the house.  Respite care is not as easy as I was originally told and hardly any places take bookings and stays are always a minimum of 2 weeks and Mum just wouldn't go.  Her fierce independence can make life very difficult at times and she doesn't seem to understand her limitations, making it doubly worrying for me to go away. For example, just today, on a wet, cold and extremely stormy day, while I am at College, and Sebastian has just been dropped home from school, she decides it would be a good idea to step out onto the balcony (which is wet and slippery) and clean the windows.  She tells me this with great pride after I have just explained to her that I'm home early because the College had been evacuated due to the extreme storm about to hit!

While I can organise careers to come in daily to check on her and take her out and about, it's the time when she is alone that worries me the most.  But I decided I would take the risk and leave her for the weekend, with daily carer visits and enough meals to cover our time away.  I registered the “rocket” and with the last exam completed (for now), we packed our bags and headed to the Limestone Coast.  It had been many months since I had driven the "old girl", but I didn't need to worry as she was in fine form.  We flew so fast that we arrived in Mt Gambier at lunchtime, several hours earlier than usual!  The early arrival time was also contributed to Sebastian's idea to eat breakfast on the way, rather than at home, then have to clean up before heading off.  "When did you get so smart?" I asked him.  I pre-made a muesli, yoghurt, berries and chopped nuts breakfast delight the evening before, as well as some muffin sized vegetable quiches for our lunch, and we were on the road by 7am and eating breakfast some 150kms through our 420km drive!

The weekend away was a huge success, despite the somewhat average weather at times.  Sebastian had such a great time but was also quite sombre at times.  While he enjoyed the time with his Uncle and Pa, and he discovered his uncle had a really cool rally car video game, there was also that realisation that someone quite important was missing from all those car fumes, smoke, car crashes and excitement. 

On the last day, we had discussed going to the cemetery.  I had asked him if he wanted to go and he had originally said no, but upon further reflection he decided that he did want to go with me.  With spring just beginning, Sebastian's uncle's garden was alive with flowers in every direction you looked.  So together, we picked the most beautiful bunch of flowers and had our moment at the cemetery.  We held each other close, told Mark how much we loved him and missed him, but also thanked him for still being with us in spirit.

Inside the car was quiet for the first half an hour as we headed home, with the exception of the loud engine noise and road noise!  The car seemed to "take off" at random times throughout the weekend, especially as we arrived in the Mount, or when driving to and from his brother’s house.  It was as if she had a mind of her own or was being controlled by someone other than me.  It was exhilarating and I started to feel why Mark loved this car so much.  His presence so strong in that car, I could have kept driving and driving and never once did I feel tired.

So that brings us to today, 3 days after returning home from Mark's home town.  The place he always called "home", where he grew up and where most of his family still live.  It was always very important for him to travel back several times a year and the last trip he made, he took Sebastian along, and based on all the photos and stories they shared upon their return, the two of them had shared a special weekend together. One way that I can honour his memory is to ensure I travel there as often as my schedule allows and to ensure Sebastian also grows up with fond memories of this special place.  Its’ natural beauties are so exceptional, so unique and I often tell Sebastian stories of the times his father and I spent there.

So commemorating this day, the day his physical body left us, is a difficult one.  It's a day when I am at College most of the day til late, Sebastian is as school and the weather is quite fierce.  On the night of Mark's passing, Sebastian and I had been enjoying a dinner at our favourite local café when I received the call from the hospice that Mark's condition had changed.  I remember that night very vividly, so we decided that we would have dinner there again, despite the nasty weather.  I reminded Sebastian of what happened that night and while he had some tears, it was ok for him to remember.  We talked about our day, enjoyed our beautiful meals and we wrote little notes to send to Dad.  After dinner we released a balloon with our notes attached and while I'm not really sure if the balloon actually took off, it didn't really matter as the darkness, black clouds and storm covered up any failings of the balloon flight. 

So that's it.  Year one completed-365 days without my best friend to hug, kiss, talk to and laugh with.  Amazing what you can achieve I guess, when life throws you a situation like this one. Every day Sebastian grows more and more like his father.  His wit, his love for music, his intelligence and maturity continue to amaze me and make me feel like I haven't lost Mark at all, he has just morphed into a little boy, who is learning about life all over again, only with a new found confidence that Mark never knew.  A confidence to be who he is and be proud of that, no matter what life throws at you.  To be so popular that everyone wants to be your friend or just hang out with you.  Something neither Mark nor I ever experienced in our youth.  Indeed…watching this young man grow up is quite an amazing experience to say the least and I often have to remind myself, “hey, he is allowed to get stroppy, moody and defiant sometimes, he is only 7 you know!”

Post Number 56 - Holistic Lesson

As you are probably aware by now my fellow readers, I am studying a Bachelor Degree in Health Science, majoring in Nutrition.  In our studies, all natural health modalities have a grounding in holistic principals meaning "Mind, Body and Spirit".  There is rarely a lecture that goes by where holistic is not mentioned, except perhaps Nutritional Biochemistry, my nemesis subject!  Anyways, so here I am, back at College again, holiday over, and back to finding a new rhythm with new lecture times and new subjects.  Again, "holistic approach" is discussed.  Internally I am rolling my eyes and thinking, "Here we go again, bla bla bla."

By now, my physical health is at an all-time low and I was barely functioning on any level.  I was eating a perfect diet, sleeping deeply for eight hours, and yet feeling like I had been hit by a bus, day-in-day-out.  I was constantly arguing with Mum and even blowing up at Sebastian.  I had lost all enthusiasm and passion for study and for life in general.  I was at breaking point.

I knew I had to make some changes and I made a new friend at College who is a qualified Reiki practioner and she offered to "give me some relief".  I had little knowledge about Reiki and felt that it couldn't hurt to give it a go.  I also signed up for a six week yoga/meditation course, timed well during the late afternoon once a week.  It meant Seb being in OSHC yet another day, but I felt it was important that I attend.  Then I was reminded that College has clinic rooms that we can access, a place where we will all do "Clinic Time" as part of our degree.  For a total sum of $15, I could have all sorts of treatments at my disposal.  So I booked in for Tua Na, a Chinese practice of accupuncture without the needles, with the plan to balance my hormones which I thought may need some adjustment.

So I attended my first Reiki session.  It was lovely, relaxing, nothing out of the ordinary.  Not sure if I really felt any different, just a little relaxed I guess.  It was a Friday and I went ahead with my normal day and had an OK weekend with Sebastian.  Monday morning I hit the study books as usual, but by lunchtime, I found that I was unable to read one more word or listen to one more minute of a lecture. My body just said "STOP".  I felt there was nothing I could do.  Perhaps I just needed a little lay down, "cat nap" to recharge myself?  I lay down on the bed and covered myself, feeling cold.  I curled up in a tight ball and tears started to flow.  Soon there was a river and hours later, it looked like a naughty kitten had attacked the tissue box!  I fell asleep, exhausted, mentally and physically spent.  It was late afternoon and luckily Sebastian was at OSHC, so I did not need to rush for school pick-up.

Later that week I experienced my first Tua Na session.  I dragged myself in to College.  The lovely student gave me the instruction, "just down the hall, second door to the left".  I felt panicked, these instructions were just too complex for me.  How many doors down?  Right? Left? I'm not sure.  Once in the room, she asked me a few very basic questions, like "so how are you feeling today?" and "so what brings you here today?".   Within seconds, the floodgates opened and I was sobbing and gasping for air.  She was so kind and understanding, resting her hand gently on my arm and telling me "it's ok".  Then she completed her treatment, including a lovely head massage, for no other reason but to make me feel somewhat better than I had gone in.  And indeed, I felt better and able to face six long hours of lectures.

By now I was learning new things about Bach Flowers, energy and what is meant by holistic.  You see, you can have the best diet in the world, but if you are not addressing the root cause of the illness, the problem will not go away.  The Reiki opened up the spiritual pathways, the Tua Na, the physical blockages in the liver and spleen, caused by months and months of stress,  often unconscious stress.  I then began daily doses of Bach Flowers and a second Reiki treatment.  I also took Sebastian for a treatment.  I was so hesitant at first, unsure if this would be right for him, but I was assured it would be ok and he could stop at any time if he felt uncomfortable.  I watched on as his body relaxed and he felt the presence of his father and his flock of protecting Angels.  The weight of the world that he was carrying, lifted and removed from his little shoulders.  I too had a much different experience this second time.  A deep, deep trance-like state and I could see the bright light coming from the Angels, just as Sebastian had seen.  My first yoga/meditation session went well and a second Tua Na also seemed to enhance my vitality.

I started walking with a spring in my step. And I got off the tram 2-3 stops early and just walked, enjoying the warm sun on my face, even daring to smile to myself.  I started to get excited about Sebastian's birthday party and even organised cooking a dinner for ten for my 50th Birthday, all on a day that I had a 3-6pm lecture in the CBD!  I also signed up with "Hello Fresh", a system of meal planning and raw ingredient supply.  I had heard of this system a long long time ago and often received discount offers to sign up.  But cooking is my thing, how could I hand over the meal planning to an external source?  But I decided that I needed to be a little kinder to myself and hey, no one would have to know.  The meals are very nutritious, the raw ingredients fresh and I would still be the one doing the cooking.

The day of my Birthday was perfect.  Preparations for the evening meal done, I squeezed in a quick massage for no reason except "just because", then in to the city for a beautiful lunch with a beautiful friend, followed by a lecture at College, followed by a wonderful night full of warm hugs, a slow cooker meal, love and laughter. I could not have planned a better day and most of it just fell in to place with very little stress.


Then it was Sebastian's turn to have a big day.  An early start and his friends all arrived on time. With the lounge room re-arranged, decorations already done, table set, all 16 of his friends filled the lounge room.  The noise was deafening and I began to wonder, "what on earth was I thinking?".  But then, the Magician began his show. The children all sat on the floor, mesmerised by his talents, laughing at his antics and applauding his tricks.  Once the show was over, the children squeezed into the dining area to eat, drink and be merry.  This was followed by running around in the garden, followed by the bashing of the home-made Piñata, which to my surprise, held together so everyone could at least have one good bash at it.  Yes, I have to say, it was a huge success on every level and I enjoyed the whole experience of hosting our first children's party at home.
 
So that was last week!  This week has been somewhat calmer, except for exams.  Two down, one to go this Saturday.  I still have a lot of study to do, but my whole outlook is different.  I don't feel stressed, concerned perhaps is a better word, but calm.  Mark is with me, I know that.  I talk to him every night and even during the day sometimes.  I ask for his help and he tells me that I can do it without him.  "I know", I say, "but still, you can help me right?" I joke.  I don't feel like Mark has missed my milestone birthday or that he wasn't there to see Sebastian's magical party.  He was there, experiencing it in a different way.  He even played a trick on me with the candles on my cake.  I blew them out, and they kept relighting.  One candle in particular, I blew out more than three times and yet it kept on relighting itself.  I smiled at Sebastian who was by my side and I finally snuffed it by wetting my fingers and putting it out. "Very funny", I said aloud to him. "Thank you for letting me know you're here."  I know it may sound a little crazy to some, but I have had too many signs and too many different confirmations to know that it is not all in my mind.

So each day my body grows a little stronger and my diet has been somewhat average with all the festivities, but I know now, that I am on a path of healing and my body will follow.  I feel happy and somewhat excited about the future.  My passion for my studies has returned and I fill full rather than empty and alone.  I still have a lot of life left in me, so I better get on with it!

Post Number 55 - Struggle Street

Writing a post has been on my mind for several weeks now, but I have felt unable to write-almost paralysed in some respects.  Time is always an issue but I have always made time in the past.  Why has this been so difficult?  I feel the only answer is the overwhelming cloud of grief that has totally consumed me.  After nearly 10 months without Mark, it seems like it is only just hitting home that he is gone and gone for good.

My first months without him seemed to be about survival and getting on with things and keeping Sebastian happy and ensuring all his needs where met, including counselling support.  My studies consumed me and there just wasn't time for anything else.  Friends seem all but gone, except for new friends made through my grief support group or friends through college.  I feel alone, so empty, so unsure of the future.  I feel quite numb and passionless, just trying to get through each day.

I completed my horrendous exam and I thought I had done quite well, only to be disappointed with a 65% grade.  Yes, it's a pass, be grateful I hear you say, and I am.  But if you saw the 70 plus hours I put in to studying for that exam, to only get a pass, you may understand my disappointment.  An assignment from another subject returned a failed mark, which further kicked me down.  A wake up call if you like, not to be complacent with my work and that I must clearly define "creative writing" and "academic writing".  It was my first fail in over two years of study and it wasn't a particularly difficult assignment.

School holidays couldn't come fast enough for me and I could tell that Sebastian also needed a break from the daily grind of school.  He was becoming more emotional and started showing signs of aggression.  I was struggling to know how to deal with his outbursts when I myself also wanted to kick the couch and stomp around the house in a bad mood.  Even his teacher contacted me to ask if everything was alright at home.  I wanted to scream…"No, everything is NOT alright.  Mark is gone and he's never coming back.  Things will never be ok again". 

 As the weeks droned on, I worked hard to finish my schoolwork for an online subject that I was still working on, so that I could have the full two weeks of the school holidays to spend with Sebastian.  I booked four nights away at a small seaside town called Port Elliott, so Sebastian and I could spend some quality time together.  In these weeks leading up to the holidays, I managed to come across Mark's journal while looking for some files for one of his previous clients.  I quickly scrolled through the 22 pages.  Had I read this?  Some of it seemed familiar but not all of it.  Then, right at the bottom, on a new page were the words, "by the way, I have made you both some videos and they are located …."  I read it over and over.  What?  He had made some videos for us?  I went searching and sure enough I found them.  I grabbed a box of tissues, plugged in my headset and started watching them.  He had made two videos, around 5 minutes each.  One addressed us both and he expressed how much he loved us both and that he was not worried or scared about himself, but only sorry that he might not be around for us and that he would be leaving us all alone.  The second video addressed Sebastian and he wanted him to understand that while he may feel different to other kids his age, much like he did, this is actually a good thing and a special quality.  He admitted that even as an adult, he struggled with this.  He also wanted Sebastian to never be afraid to try new things and not be be afraid of making mistakes as this is how we learn.  And to do anything that makes his heart sing, as he has the ability to be anything he wants to be, all things Mark struggled with in adulthood.

It was so difficult to watch, so confronting having him sitting in front of his computer, predicting his end of life, and yet it was so beautiful at the same time.  It showed his true character, his courage and his contentment with life.  He expressed his love for us and his gratitude for all that we had given him to complete his life goals.  He was happy yet sad to be leaving us. 

Finally the holidays arrived and we packed the car and headed off.  The car was packed with activities and games and of course, the videos of Mark which I had yet to tell Sebastian about.  We watched them on the first day and Sebastian seemed quite emotionless.  Later that day we watched the movie Inside Out and I cried at several points in the movie, which seemed to open the floodgates for me.  Soon we were both crying and the pressure started to release from us both.

For the rest of the week in our seaside cottage, we were inseparable.  We played games, painted pictures, cooked delicious food, explored shops, walked along the beach and even played piano together on our portable keyboard.  The end of the week came so quickly and Sebastian sobbed at the thought of going home.  I have to admit that I also wanted to cry at the prospect of going back to  reality.  

Once home again, the heavy load that had lifted, came right back.  The holidays are speeding past and soon we will both be back at school.  My body physically aches, my neck and shoulders in pain all day.  My physical pain seems to reflect my emotional pain.  We eat healthier than anyone I know and yet, my body seems so broken.  It has made me wonder, "Does grief actually biologically change the body?  Is the mind so powerful that it is manifesting a physical pain? Why is my weight ballooning out of control when I am not comfort eating nor snacking nor eating high calorie, high carbohydrate food?"

I can't seem to get out of this rut that I am in.  The pressure of organising a birthday party for Sebastian on my own, overwhelming.  And then in the same month, feeling the need to acknowledge my 50th birthday in some memorable way.  Constant arguing with my mother also feeding the depression and feelings of incompetence.  She provides me with little comfort and little companionship.  But it pleases me to see Sebastian playing games with her and occasionally playing piano with her and the convenience of having a live-in babysitter is gold for me.  The simple pleasures of taking the dog for a walk in the morning before breakfast, or popping out for a quick trip to the shop or the video machine would not be possible without her presence.  So I am stuck in this predicament of not being able to live with her and not being able to live without her.  It's crippling and soul destroying to say the least.

So where do I go from here?  I really don't know.  I know I need to study and I know I need to breathe.  Meditation and yoga need to be incorporated some how and I need to find a way to make this happen.  It's the only way that I feel can address my situation.   A way to calm the mind and allow the body to sleep at night and restore itself.  A way to allow the fog in my brain to lift so that I can study properly and achieve all I want to achieve with this degree.  Yes, I believe this is the way forward.  Make it happen woman, make it happen.

Post Number 54 - Another Date for Remembrance

While just getting over one anniversary, another fast approaches.  Life has been moving along with incredible speed and my first semester at College came to an end before I knew it.  Assignments completed, in-class exams studied for and completed but still no time to breathe.  I still have one almighty exam to go and this subject has tormented me from day one.  I work so hard in trying to understand the content, in particular the infinite detail that we are supposed to understand, learn and remember.  With two assessments completed and only just passing, I need to pass this exam to ensure I am not forced to repeat the entire subject again.  So I keep my head down and focus and with only one week to go before the exam, the content is finally starting to make sense, but I am still a long way from remembering anything.

This week has been particularly difficult to stay on track.  Our old gas heater finally decided to give up and would no longer stay lit.  Then the drains started to block up.  Then a few nights ago, while I lay on the lounge just before heading to bed, I little mouse popped its head out of my bedroom, then ran back in.  I was horrified and I actually screamed like a little girl!  Repeatedly this mouse popped out before finally plucking up the courage to run across the lounge room floor, right in front of me.  By now my heart was thumping out of my chest as I sat up hugging my knees.  Mark and I had lived in this house for nearly 9 years and never had we a rodent in the house.  Sure there were many out in the garden and shed and we have caught and disposed of them in the past, but never in the house.  I was so totally freaked out, I couldn't move.

You might be laughing by now, thinking what is wrong with this strong and courageous woman?  Well it all dates back to a time in my 20’s.  I married young and was heavily involved in a Dog Obedience Club with my German shepherd.  We participated in competition obedience and every year there was a two-day competition at Port Pirie that everyone always looked forward to attending.  It was a time to all come together as a club, camp, sit around the fire, have a few drinks and have a good time as well as competing for two days.  So we excitedly signed up to attend.

As we travelled closer to our destination that weekend, the road seemed stained with something, but we couldn't work out what it was.  The closer we got, the more pronounced these markings on the road were.  Eventually we worked out, they were dead mice that had been run over.  "How strange", we thought. 

We arrived at the caravan park and setup our tent, cooked some dinner and set-up the camp fire.  As the sun started going down, we noticed the odd field mouse, but nothing to be concerned about.  We were in a country town, so that wasn't unexpected.  But the darker it became, the more alive the ground seemed to become.  Settled around the campfire enjoying the company, no one really noticed what was unfolding around us.  A trip to the toilets with torches soon showed a frenzy of mice everywhere you looked.

Everyone retired early due to the early start the next day and we zipped up our tent tightly, dog settled in the car, and zipped up our sleeping bags and went to sleep, foolishly thinking we were safe from the chaos outside.  Around 3am I awoke feeling something brushing up against my leg and my face.  I sat up and under moonlight I saw something running around the tent.  My torchlight confirmed, mice had chewed a hole in the tent and there were several now running around like crazy with no real intent or destination.  I watched my then husband try to get the mice out of the tent to no avail, so we spent the rest of the night in the safety of the car. 

It was such a long time ago and yet I remember every detail of that night, including the feeling against my skin.  It was a horrible experience that has obviously stamped a scare in me, as I had never feared mice before that weekend.

What I have discovered with grief, is how magnified things become.  Things that would ordinarily not cause a blink of an eyelid, now suddenly paralyse you.  A problem that you would ordinarily discuss with your partner is now your soul responsibility to sort out.  Do I try to get the old heater fixed or do I install the new heater I always wanted to?  If I spend this money, will I have enough for future problems or needs?  Do I risk baiting the mouse in case the dog finds the bait or eats the baited mouse?  What about the kitchen renovation that is still not finished? 

One of the many things the Grief Support Group has shown me is unconditional support without judgement and that alone is just one of the reasons I look forward to attending each month.  I hear countless grief stories as well as real life turmoil and never a judgemental word is spoken, only support, understanding and a safety to be as you are and be accepted for that.  Personally, I am as guilty as anyone for quick judgements.  All the time I look at what people put in their mouths or their shopping trolleys and I want to judge them for it.  But what do I know about that person?  What has brought them to this point in life?  Is it just plain ignorance or has there been other factors that influence their choices and their behaviours? 

We all deserve to be loved and accepted for who we are and I have only ever truly felt that from one person and he is no longer walking this earth.  I now know his spirit is with us and I have confirmation of this, but it is this feeling of unconditional love and contentment that I miss so much and yet feel so deeply when I spend time with others who have walked a similar path to mine.

Yesterday was Mark's Birthday.  He would have turned 39.  A year ago I managed to arrange a Birthday Party for him and it was a most joyous and momentous occasion.  But that was then and this is now.  I had dreams of making pasta with Sebastian and celebrating the event with one of our signature dishes, but the thought of even touching the pasta machine breaks me down.  Mark always lovingly made the pasta as I just didn't have the patience for it.  I would make the sauce and together we would make the most amazing meal filled with love.  But homemade pasta has not been in our kitchen for over a year now and I am still not ready to do that.  So Sebastian and I went to Windy Point Café for dinner instead.  It was a place we had visited many times for special occasions including Valentine’s Day and Father’s Day and I had always wanted to show Sebastian the night time view. 

But it was a cold, windy and rainy night and neither of us wanted to go out.  Sebastian complained and said he just wanted to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie.  I agreed wholeheartedly, but the booking was made and no other arrangements had been made for dinner, so we were committed.  We had a nice evening but it was so loud we could hardly hear each other speak.  The food was nice, but we ended up eating so much, we both felt uncomfortable.  I felt even more uncomfortable when I got the bill and wondered "was this really worth it?" Once home, we quickly tore off our fancy clothes and jumped into our PJ's.  It was already past Seb's bedtime, but neither of us cared.  We both just wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch something on TV.  And it was at that moment, that I was truly happy.  I could feel Mark with us and all was right with the world.  That 30 minutes of love and joy was the highlight of my day.

The reality is, Seb, Mum and I are alone together most of the time and we try to do things together when we can.  There are days were Mum and I hardly see each other, as I am in my office studying and she is in her room or in the kitchen.  But for now, that is how it will have to be, until this exam is over.  Tonight Seb and I made nachos and watched a movie, curled up together on the couch.  Sebastian cried when he went to bed.  He cried for the loss of his Dad and for the happiness and love that he feels for me.  It's true, when I think of how much I love my son, it brings me to tears too, for he is my life now, my connection to Mark and my true joy.