Post number 78 - Colonics, Detox Programs and Primary School Graduations!

October ended up being a busy month in the clinic room, and November brought a little more calm and an opportunity to spend some much-needed time in caring for myself and my health. I was still suffering with poor digestive health, and this was fast influencing all kinds of problems relating to my health, including my mental health. Not since my mid-thirties had I felt so low. I knew I was clinically depressed when I started to have terrible thoughts, resentful thoughts, feelings of helplessness and a loss of hope for the future. I became quite numb to life, and all I wanted to do was play video games and hug Sebastian.

Recognising the signs, I started looking for answers, and Mark, in his ever faithful way, led me down two paths. One was a supplement that I had in the fridge for years and never used. It is a product commonly used for depression in the Nutrition world, but like medications, it can sometimes make symptoms worse, so I never took it, nor have I ever prescribed it to clients. But I was desperate, so I started taking it.

Next, while scrolling through Facebook, a colonics clinic appeared in my feed. I looked into it further, and started my enquiries. As I had experienced colonics in the Bali health retreat, I figured this was worth a try. I booked in and within two days, I was having a wonderful colonics experience. I then signed up for a 5-day parasite cleanse with colonics, as I wondered if my problem was more sinister than just menopause.

Again, I had a wonderful experience, and I learnt so much more about the end part of the digestive system, from the colon to the anus. While this may sound strange, the changes in me were so profound, they can’t be ignored or called coincidental. Firstly, the fluid that I was carrying disappeared. My head became much clearer, and I felt so much lighter, and not like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I started singing and laughing, and that irritability I had was totally gone.

Throughout the colonics process, you can see what is leaving the body as it passes through the exit tube. Old pieces of faeces were flushed away, as was a yeast infection called Candida, that I did not know I had, but explained many of my symptoms including sugar cravings, weight gain and low iron. I delved in deeper into researching Candida, and realised that symptoms of this yeast overgrowth are very extensive, and not just related to gut health symptoms such as bloating, cramping and poor bowel motions. Often I find so many holes in my degree learnings, and realise just how much additional research is often necessary for various health complaints. We cannot know it all, nor can we be taught it all, and I am constantly fascinated by what I tend learn and uncover at the times when I need to.

Intuitively, I know that as energetic and emotional human beings, we carry a lot of our anger, trauma and worries in our gut and liver. The term “shit on the liver”, often relates to someone with detoxification pathway issues, when the liver is undernourished and therefore unable to remove toxins effectively. This leaves the person feeling irritable and short-tempered. Subconsciously, our body clenches and holds on to past situations, and times when perhaps, we were not treated as we thought we should have been. Our mind can even twist a normal situation into a negative and traumatic one, and often, friends, family and even trained professionals cannot understand what all the fuss was about.

This process of daily colonics however, is so friendly and relaxing, that the healing water could flush all the way to the liver, allowing bile and toxins to be released and flushed away. This was a new experience for me, as this did not occur in Bali, despite the treatment being exactly the same. Perhaps I wasn’t carrying the emotional baggage back then as I was this time around, but I truly believe, this liver release is what turned my mental health around. As well as the colonics, I used my Nutritionist skills to derive a special detox diet, to allow the digestive system to relax and heal, rather than spending so much time digesting. I also chose some supplements to support this process even further. This meant the whole process that I experimented and experienced on myself, could now be written up, to form a detox program that I could use for my clients. I can’t wait to be able to offer this as a proper and proven way to detox, rather than fad diets and detox powders, that are sold commercially by big organisations, that only care for making money from vulnerable people, and not actually healing people.

You may be wondering why I believed Mark was behind all this. Well, I often feel he is behind everything I do, however, sometimes he makes his presence extremely clear. On one of my lowest days, I was driving to work after doing the school drop off run. I had my usual Spotify playlist playing, and I was thinking about how I had a client that morning, and I needed to get myself together to be able to successfully deliver that consultation, as I wasn’t feeling particularly strong and confident. Next thing, a song played over the car stereo, the song I played at Mark’s funeral. I hadn’t heard this song in years, and I was instantly a flood of tears. “This is not helping”, I said in my head, directed at Mark. “Not the time to make me emotional, I need to find my inner strength, not be a puddle of tears.” Next thing, a car changed lanes in front of me, a red car, with personalised number plates of “Grim”, which was Mark’s nickname. Not that I ever called him that, but all his friends did. I took a photo of the car, as I wanted to tell Sebastian about the experience that evening. It wasn’t until I looked at the photo later, that I realised that the car was actually a Nissan. A Red Nissan with Grimm number plates, driving directly in front of me, while the song from his funeral is playing. Way too many coincidences for it to not be him. The thoughts in my head changed and went something like… “I’ve got you, trust me, I’ve got you, you’re not alone, I’ll help you”. More tears, but now some deep breaths and by the time I arrived at my workplace, I was ready to start my work-day with a lot more confidence, as I no longer felt like I was doing this life alone. It was after this incident, that I was led to the supplement in the fridge, and the colonics practice, which was conveniently located, not too far away.

With the detox program now fully written, costed and ready for delivery, the next moment in my crazy life, was Sebastian finishing Primary School. He had his transition day at his new High School, and while he had a good day, he was unusually quiet and reserved. He remained that way for the following week, prompting me to ask him if he was okay on several occasions. He assured me he was fine, as he continued with his work for school, jobs around the house, piano practice and animal husbandry. In the blink of an eye, it was Graduation Day, when I realised the day before, that he did not have any appropriate clothing to wear to such a formal event. Quickly, we headed out to find some formal style clothes. Sebastian moaned and complained, completely disinterested in any clothing presented to him, but we managed to find something incredibly quickly in his size. In the change rooms, he put on the blue-ish shirt, along with the black trousers and belt, and I was suddenly overcome with emotion, as I realised he had just picked out clothing that almost exactly replicated his fathers work attire. He stood there completely unimpressed and I just stared and smiled, knowing he had done it again! Good call Mark, good call. I threw other shirts and ideas at Sebastian, but he was having nothing of it. “Can we just go?”, he pleaded. And with that, we were home again in under an hour!

The following day, and my anxieties kicked in, as I helped Sebastian dress in these unfamiliar clothes, and styled his hair. I cooked him a breakfast fit for kings, and I stood back and marvelled at the fine handsome young man he had become. As I dropped him off at school and watched him walk across the school-yard, I wondered, “how did we even get to this day?” Sebastian was only in Reception when his father died, and here he was, about to graduate and start the next chapter in his life. Was he prepared for it? I felt he was, very prepared, and yet, he still felt a level of anxiousness and worry, that he would not find “his tribe” at the new school.

That evening, the official Graduation Ceremony began and after watching videos created by all the students, complete with song and dance and morphing photographs, we were led outdoors to the seated area. Speeches made by the Principal and the students, full of heartfelt stories, antics and the bonding and support between students in the four senior classrooms. Then there were awards of excellence being announced. I was completely clueless about the entire procedure, awards and proceedings, but next thing I knew, Sebastian’s name was being called out for winning the Year 6 “Caring” award. The shock on his face equalling the shock on mine, as he approached the stage to receive his award. I knew he deserved this for sure, as he had demonstrated his caring nature many times over, but I always thought his efforts went un-noticed, or perhaps, were just expected, but here he was, accepting an award that acknowledged his efforts, and the beautiful nature that he has, despite all the hardships life had thrown at him.

One would think I would be emotional, and yet, I wasn’t, as I guess I was still in shock. Many congratulated him after the ceremony and yes, I was the proudest Mum there, as I knew all the ups and downs he had faced over the past six years. The emotion however, didn’t come until the next day. Today in fact, as I reflect on everything he has accomplished at school and at Robotics. I have to keep reminding myself, he is only 12 years old, has a job and mentors others, all this, and he hasn’t even started high school yet!

I continue to seek hope for the future. Hope that this craziness of COVID will end. Hope that we, as a human race, can be free to make choices for our bodies, our health and our education. Hope that common sense will prevail, that we can live in unity and not in division. Hope that we can be respected for our beliefs, and honoured for our commitments to bettering the lives of others. Hope that we can be reunited with our loved ones overseas, and that we can end our lives with dignity. It’s nearly Christmas and it’s difficult to think about buying material gifts. Not because I don’t want to give a gift for those I care about, but more because I would rather give a gift of love, good health and compassion, and that’s hard to purchase from a shop.

Sebastian and his generation, give me hope. Their awareness of the world, their willingness to work together to find solutions to big problems. Their openness and acceptance of all races and beliefs. Yes, Sebastian gives me hope that life can get better, and I will continue to support his passions and his interests, so that he can part of creating a better future. After all, behind every great man, is a strong, smart and powerful woman. Isn't that right Mark?

Post number 77 - What's next?

Time was running out. I had to find a new clinic room to move in to, when I was guided to Raj’s Yoga School on Marion Road, just a few blocks away from the Waterhouse building. I looked at the room. It was small, smelly and needed redecorating, but the price was excellent, and I really had no more time to find anything else. Every opportunity that came my way, fell through. Shared rooms, joint ventures, all of them fell through, and now I was desperate. So I agreed to the room, knowing that there would be little to no flow through traffic, but determined to make it work, even if it was just a stepping stone, and I was grateful for something close to home with main road frontage.

By now, I only had a week to get myself together and there were no opportunities to renovate the room, or money to redecorate. I would just have to make do and hope that my furniture and pictures on the wall, would deflect from the tired old ripped curtains, scratched up walls and old carpet. My good friend from Seb’s Robotics club, offered to help me move, and in one day and several trips, all the furniture was deposited into the new room. I really had underestimated just how much I had accumulated in one year and now this little room was crammed full of “stuff”. It took me days to sort everything, and make the space my own, and then I had the dreaded task of cleaning up the old clinic room. The hardest part of all, was pulling all my signage off the glass windows. The beautiful signage that I had spent a small fortune on. That big beautiful green apple, my name and all the areas of health that I work on with my clients. One letter at a time, Sebastian and I pulled them all off.

It took us several hours to clean the room and remove all the signage and the whole time we were there, only the receptionist spoke to us. Even when other staff were only metres away, and in our line of sight, never once did they acknowledge us. So negative was the energy, my sensitive son had to go into the empty clinic room to have a cry. He was astounded by the energy, and we hugged each other tight, as I handed in the key. We stood outside, looking at the big glass window that once said “Eat Right for Life” and we sobbed. We cried for yet another loss, another opportunity gone and the loss of money that could not be recouped. But deep down, we also knew, that this environment was not good for my mental health, and it was time to leave. 

The first three months at Raj’s Yoga School was difficult financially, as no new clients came. But it did give me some time to reflect and think about new ways to use my knowledge and skills to earn money. A trip to Mount Gambier helped, as I developed a 4-week “Nutrition 101” course. I called it “Eating your way to good health!”, and this was an opportunity for me to share my knowledge with people, and answer many of the questions that I had be asked by clients. I made sure I included activities, documentation, hand-outs and take-homes, so the participants would have resources long after the course was finished, and walk away with the feeling that they had received good value for money. But would they come? Would they commit to four weeks and would they pay to hear me speak? I became rather ambitious and set about securing three locations for my course, all scheduled to start one week after another. COVID cancelled one of the locations, and the timing for the second location was moved to allow more time for promotion.

My first course was a great success, with 10 participants registering and attending. After the first week, I realised how much I actually loved delivering the content, the interaction and questions from the group, and my energy and enthusiasm almost euphoric. All my cells lit up, and the participants returned week after week, the feedback energising me even more. I gave myself fully, and exhausted myself at the same time. I couldn’t help feeling, “this is what I am meant to be doing”.

My mind went into overdrive, as it often does, and I started envisioning a career that included my own practice premises, with my hand-picked multi-modality practitioners, and two recently graduated Nutritionists, that I could train and mentor in my methods of practice, freeing me up to run courses and complete more public talks. I began writing more talks on subjects such as mental health and nutrition and cardiovascular disease. Writing the material for these talks came effortlessly, further confirming the need for me to do this work. Then the new clients started coming, and soon the business was up and running again, and for the first time since opening the doors in 2020, the business made a small quarterly profit. This further confirmed that running the courses and public talks, was a viable option for income, and took the pressure off needing to constantly attract new clients. With the course material written, it meant I could continue to deliver the content over and over, and write new material as needed.

But, as you can imagine, I ended up in the “burnout zone” yet again, unable to recognise my limits, or the signs. Add to that the stress of the relocation, the pressures of being a solo parent and carer, and oh…Yes…hello Menopause, pleased to make your acquaintance! Menopause has brought a whole range of additional things to deal with, including weaker mental resilience, weight gain and poor digestive health, leading to aches and pains and poor nutritional status. Fabulous, just what I need. My latest new client is now myself!! 

Menopause and peri-menopause is such a complex state of being, with so many variables from one person to the next, and I have come to realise that most doctors really don’t understand it at all. Hormonal imbalances have such a wide range of symptoms, making it difficult to pinpoint exactly what is going on. So I began my quest on understanding everything that is happening in my body, and all the other symptoms that people experience, so that I may better support my clients with this body change. Personally, I refuse to believe menstruation should be painful or uncomfortable, and the transition through menopause should be a time to celebrate and not feel like you have been hit with the “old age stick”. Why does one woman transition so easily, while the other suffers in silence? It’s time to lift the lid on this and support women through a time in their lives that shouldn’t be so difficult. But first, I must treat myself. As they say, “fit your own oxygen mask before attending to others”…oh how I miss those times of flying in a plane… And while I work on myself, I am writing the content for my next course to deliver…a “Two-day Menopause Retreat”. Two days for women to feel celebrated, loved, connected and in-tune with their bodies, as well as gaining an understanding of what might be going on for them. Nourishing them with the food their bodies need, teaching them how to love and honour themselves through visualisation techniques, and learning to let go of the things that may be holding them back in life. Like anything, when you can understand the underlying things that are happening, you are better equipped to change behaviours that make the situation worse, and also find treatments that may help to relieve symptoms. Yes, it’s a BIG topic, but a much needed one, and already many women have expressed their interest in learning more about this topic.

So what’s next? More course delivery, more public talks, more content writing, more delivering the message of good health to communities of people who want to feel better, learn more about their health and strive for living their best life. And on that topic of healthy living, I added one more skill to my toolbox! I often refer clients to other practitioners to work on supporting their mental health. This can come in many different forms such as an Emotional Health Coach, Reiki, Equine Therapy, or a therapy called Access Bars (or Access Consciousness). All of these therapies I have used and continue to use on myself, to support me through the ups and downs of life. However, too often my clients do not take that next step to see a practitioner about their mental state. Is it the stigma of mental health that is in play? It’s hard to say. While I do not want to be a therapist in mental health, I do want to provide some more support to my clients in this area. So I signed up to learn the techniques of Access Bars, and became a qualified practitioner in this energetic therapy. At first I didn’t know if it was something I would be able to achieve, but it was soon very evident that I could indeed tune in to the energy, allowing my client to release negative energies and blockages, that may be holding them back in life. I love this process, as it does not require the person to talk about anything, but simply lay back, relax and let the energy flow. It’s a process that cannot do any harm, and at worst, the person feels like they have just had a relaxing massage. At best, the person can feel more relaxed, more love for themselves and free to move forward without judgement. How does it get any better than this?

These days, the phone rings more, the Inbox fills up in a day, and life is busier than ever. I know there is still more to come. More significant things to come. More healing to come. And with any luck, more opportunities for laughter, fun and financial independence. With Sebastian heading off to High School next year, he becomes more and more grown-up each day. So much so, that he even has a job now as a workshop assistant with Techspace Learning. For him, working each week, to help participants at robotics workshops, is already a fun way to spend a Saturday morning, and to get paid, is validation for his skills and dedication. For me, I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he is becoming, especially because he is literally morphing into his father. So onward we go, continuing to be open to the gifts and opportunities that life brings next.  

Post Number 76 – Going…Going…OMG- it’s gone!

Recollecting myself after the year that no one will ever forget, I was ready to go full steam ahead again, only this time a little more mindfully, determined not to find myself in the burnout camp again. New clients came and the clients from last year checked in and continued their health journeys. Excellent, so far so good. Now to find a new premises, but what would I look for? Another clinic room in an established practice, or could I do better?

When driving home from Mount Gambier just before Christmas, I began having thoughts, ideas and visions. The thought of setting myself up again in a new location, not very appealing at all. Finding the right location, the right space and let’s not forget the cost of rent. I had my existing clients to consider, and also needed to ensure I attracted new cliental.

One very important aspect of running any business, is ensuring you are across your accounting, your balance sheet and your profit & loss. Knowing your overheads, and how much you needed to make in order to cover your costs, and make enough to draw a wage, imperative to the longevity and success of any business. Well, unfortunately, this was a major problem for me. At the start of the business, I had decided to use an accounting package called Quickbooks, to help me manage and report the financial health of the business, while my Clinic software took care of the day to day invoicing of services and goods. Data would flow from one system, seamlessly into the other, with the goal of being able to view accounting statistics and tax obligations at any given time. Instead, what I had was a jumbled mess, and I had no clue how to drive the software or understand what on earth was happening. My accountant first tried teaching me how to use the system, but soon he stopped taking my calls or answering my ever increasing emails, so I changed accountants.

Excitedly I showed my new accountant how my system was setup, and she began giving me the training I had been seeking, but soon, it seemed things were still not right. Again I asked questions and couldn’t understand why my accounting system had such different figures from my practice software. Months went by and when I could, I spent hours and hours trying to figure out what was happening. My accountant also tried her best to figure things out, but also came out blank. I spent hundreds of dollars on the problem and still the figures between the two systems were out by thousands of dollars. In the end, my accountant told me to take the matter up with Quickbooks helpdesk support. I felt like I had been fobbed off and I couldn’t have been angrier, but I made the call. By this stage, my nerves were absolutely shot and I was on a knifes edge. Without these systems working together, I had no hope of planning my business any further, and I was ready to throw it all away, the stress and frustration just too much to bare.

I knew the Quickbooks support was off-shore, so this put me even more on edge, but I needn’t have worried, as within ten minutes, the problem had been fixed. One very simple and small setting was all it took to allow me to fix the problems that had been plaguing me for months. One by one, I fixed and reconciled the two systems, taking the entire day, but so satisfied to finally see the two systems match, and a Profit & Loss Report that actually truly reflected how my business had been performing. Now I could make plans, restructure my pricing and present myself as an established practitioner with automated processes and workflows.

One evening as I scrolled through social media, a post caught my eye. It was a property for sale and a real estate friend of mine was the agent. Hmmmm, this building looked familiar and it certainly was. It was the corner shop where I used to live, before I moved in with my best friend and later husband, Mark. I felt compelled to look at it, and I wondered what a property like this would sell for. It was half residential and half commercial. Looking at the floor plan, it seemed to have lots of potential and it would be open for inspection at 5.30pm the next day. “Wouldn’t hurt to have a look”, I thought, and besides, I could say “Hi” to my friend.

As I walked through the property, I noticed the high volume of peak hour, bumper to bumper traffic flowing past and thought this could be a good investment. The rooms and flooring were solid and in good condition, but there were also many aspects that needed attention. One could say, “A diamond in the rough”, very rough, but not impossible. Being someone who has done a lot of renovation over my lifetime, I am not frightened at the prospect of picking up a paintbrush or negotiating with a tradie. I left the property ponding and wondering, “Could I make this work?”

Now that my accounts were in order, I could see clearly the impact that rent had on my bottom line. Thousands of dollars spent on just having a room to practice out of. Of course, this was money well spent, especially as I was establishing myself in a new industry and having referrals from other practitioners, priceless. But it felt uncomfortable to complete another year of paying someone else’s mortgage. If I bought a property of my own, I could manage it my way, rent to practitioners that I hand picked, and that complemented my business and my clients. A practice that included different styles of addressing mental health, as well as skeletal adjustment practitioners and acupuncture. Then having the ability to offer community support groups, information sessions and events based on “living your best life”. “What could possibly go wrong?”

I viewed the property three more times, each time with different people who I knew would give me honest advice. At the same time, I attempted to gain finance. More and more encouragement from the people I showed through, and more and more doors slamming in my face when it came to getting finance. The value of the property as an investment was unanimous, the amount of renovation extensive but not impossible, and the option of a bank loan a solid “No”.  It was Wednesday afternoon and as I picked Sebastian up from basketball practice, the last mortgage broker called me with another solid but sympathetic “No”. Arriving home, I sat on the steps, unable to walk into the house. I needed to think. I needed to call someone. I needed to talk it through. The auction was Saturday morning, what could I do in just a couple of days?

Then a voice in my head said, “Ring your Solicitor”. By this stage it was nearly six o’clock and I only had his work number, but I rang it anyway. To my surprise, he answered. We chatted and I explained my situation. He listened and asked questions, while he too thought about ways he could help me. We talked for what seemed like an hour and he promised me, he would get back to me before the close of the business week. He had two days, what could he possibly do in that time? Why did I even ring him? But I had become obsessed about the property and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, planning the renovations and discussing it with tradies and fellow practitioners who had expressed interest in joining me.

It was four o’clock in the afternoon, the day before auction day, and the phone rang. It was my solicitor and he had good news for me. He had found a private investor who was willing to take a chance on me and lend me the money I had originally asked of the bank. Of course it was at double the interest, and it was an interest only loan, but when I did the calculations, I could still make it work. I was shocked and speechless, especially when he added that he would attend the auction with me to support me and keep me from being too excited! I laughed and thanked him wholeheartedly for his support.

That night, I felt invincible. Mark and I always had a saying when we worked together in the IT industry, “The impossible we can do, Miracles however, just take a little longer!” Well, it seemed like he was waving his magic Angel dust once more, providing me the resources I needed, when I needed them. “Deep breath sister, you got this”, I told myself.

Surprisingly, I slept solidly through the night as I dreamed and visualised the perfect practice, where practitioners greeted each other and worked together for the good of the cliental and the community. A place of warmth, healing, love and information sharing. It was the most wonderful vision, and I was ready to commit myself to it 100%.

My first task of the day was to take Sebastian into the city, so he could sit for a series of three tests, aimed at identifying left-brain thinkers and innovators at the Botanic High School. We arrived later than planned, but sure enough, the closest park to the school had been reserved for us. “Thank you my Angels”, I whispered, as I smiled and hugged my boy tight. Some final words of encouragement and away he went, yellow envelope in hand, into the big beautiful building surrounded by ancient old trees, my heart bursting with pride, no matter what the outcome.

I arrived at the property, registered to bid at the auction, and found my solicitor. We strategized, talked and I committed to my bidding limits. Before long, the auction started and the formalities were over quickly before the bidding began. It took less than five minutes for my limit to be reached and exceeded, and I hadn’t even put in a bid! My heart and brain were being pulled in all directions. Should I bid? Maybe just $1,000. But we were already $15,000 over my limit, but maybe it would be okay, it just meant less money for renovations and perhaps I could still make it work. I whispered to my solicitor, “perhaps I should put in a bid”, but before he could answer, it was too late. Going once, twice, SOLD!!

I was speechless, shocked beyond words. But this was MY property. I had all the signs from the Angels and the Universe. I had white feathers fall in my line of sight every time I attended the property; I had finance when I was told I could not have a loan; I had tradies lined up and practitioners ready to move in. This just couldn’t be happening. But it was, and it DID happen. The property was gone, sold from underneath me. 

It wasn’t until the next day that the weight of my loss really hit hard. I started the day looking for other properties or clinic rooms to rent, buy, beg or borrow and just came up blank every time. I was frustrated and in total disbelief. I did some much-needed gardening, but after only a few hours, I started to feel weak and ill. I came inside, showered and went to bed. A wave of grief hit me, as my body ached all over. I sobbed hard and long over my loss and every loss I had ever endured. I had nothing left to give this world, I had put it all into this property.

So now I am back to square one, only much much wiser. I have support. I have contacts. I have regained my strength and my pity party is over. My Big Girl Pants are back on, and it’s time to ask the Universe and my Angels again for what comes next. I certainly don’t have the answer at this stage, but I do know, that staying in a place of grief, regret and anger at myself for freezing at the final moment, is not going to benefit me going forward. So…let’s go forward…   

Post Number 75 - Would Life ever Stabilise?

It's only been a month since my experience with the beautiful and majestic Honey, and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. This year has affected everyone around the world in so many ways and continues to do so, week after agonising week. Just when you think life can stabilise and there can be some security, some opportunities to plan ahead, something happens to jeopardise it. Our very way of life, continually turned on its head, restricted, banned, changed, and squashed. If that wasn’t bad enough, we were now being told how to practice our craft. The wearing of masks at work was now mandatory and a second lockdown, so tight, we were not even allowed to walk our dogs!

This pushed me over the edge yet again, as the thought of consultations while wearing a mask, seemed impossible and impersonal. But new clients booked in, and I had no choice but to see them, mask and all. While awkward at first, soon it seemed to be second nature, or maybe it was more that my work practices had become so refined, that I just fell into “work-mode” without thinking about the fact that I could barely breathe.

Only weeks prior to this event, the Science and Robotics community had managed to reschedule and run one of the biggest Science Events of the year, Science Alive. The robotics club had been given double the display space and this would be our only opportunity for the year, to demonstrate what we do, attract new customers and members to our clubrooms and learning space. It was a very important event, and everyone worked hard for weeks, to ensure it would be a success.

Finally, the weekend of Science Alive came around, and Sebastian and I attended the show grounds the day before to help setup. With so many items to display, we needed to make sure our display looked its best, and showcased the projects in a way that drew interest. Satisfied with our efforts, we spent the rest of the day relaxing as much as we could, as there would be three whole days of working the display.

That night, I was woken by some strange sounds. It sounded much like the different ringtones on a mobile phone. It was 2am and I was not happy about being woken from my slumber. I assumed it was something on Sebastian’s phone, as he was always mucking around with settings, and seemed to struggle with remembering the difference between AM & PM. Unable to settle, I dragged myself out of bed and checked his phone. Nothing presented itself, so I returned to bed and continued with my deep sleep. Little did I know, the problem was actually on MY phone.

The next morning, I grabbed my phone from the charger and checked for any important messages. I noticed the background wallpaper of the phone was different. I thought it a bit strange, but continued on to check for emails and other messages. But something felt wrong, very wrong. The more I checked, the more settings I found to be different. It was as if someone had played around and changed all the settings, and not just cosmetic things like ring tone and colour schemes, but blocking text messages and phone calls. Stressed to the maximum, I turned the phone completely off, as I thought about what may have happened.

Plain and simple, I HAD BEEN HACKED!! Me, the ex-IT professional, was sent a Facebook message, and from my phone, I clicked on it. It was a link to a YouTube video, and while I did not click on a link per say, I did click on the “Play” button that was displayed in the message. This took me to another page and a link was offered, which I did NOT click on, as I then realised it was designed to trick me, and I wasn’t about to fall for that!

And yet, I had already been compromised. In the stress of life, I was caught at a vulnerable moment, and I clicked on something that I should not have, and now I was the victim of a serious hacking. I took Sebastian to the Science Alive event and literally dropped him at the gates, with a backpack of food and some money, and crossed my fingers that he would be mature enough to find his way to the display stand and look after himself for the day, while I tried to figure out what to do. I rang a friend who works in the IT Industry, I visited the Bank and changed all my passwords, and visited the Optus store several times to try to work through a solution to my “unsafe to use” phone. They offered very few solutions or help, and I sat on help lines for hours, with little resolution. It seemed no one believed that someone could take remote control of my phone and start sending emails and text messages. But that’s exactly what they were trying to do, and in some instances, successfully. The feelings of complete overwhelm and feeling “alone” pushed me deep into despair.

By the next day, I came to realise that my phone had actually screen captured all the activities of the “hackers”, as I found hundreds of mysterious photos in my photo library, which had synchronised to my cloud drive. My stomach churned as I noticed just how long they had been on my phone and just how many things they had attempted to do. I had no choice, I had to either throw away the phone or reset it to factory defaults, effectively deleting all Apps, hidden or otherwise. I spent most of the day rebuilding my phone from the ground up and by the end of the day, I was exhausted, as it had been three days of nothing but stress. I went to the Science Alive show, where Sebastian had been working, for three long days to help pack up. As I met with Sebastian, he told me that the tablet computers that we had purchased to capture names, phone numbers and email addresses of people interested in the work we did, had crashed and that most of the names collected, had been deleted. As I had been the one who had organised the writing of the program, to capture said data, I was devastated beyond belief. This just couldn’t be happening!

Needless to say, everyone was exhausted, stressed and dismayed at the potential data loss. It took quite a while to pack everything up, as we needed to walk everything out to the van parked outside. Now I was physically exhausted as well as mentally spent. I had never felt so alone and so broken. I had even been to the police station earlier that day, when I had discovered the evidence captured on my phone. But they simply passed me a piece of paper with a web address on it, advising that there was nothing they could do.

With no one else to turn to, I receded back into myself again. This was different than before however. I hadn’t lost my confidence in myself or my abilities as a practitioner. I had simply had enough of life. I was done! I felt I had been thrown more than any human being should have to bare, and I just couldn’t take one more step forward.

I don’t know where I found the strength. Maybe it was from the unconditional love from Sebastian. What choice did I have? “Suck it up Princess” I told myself. I had new clients to see and existing clients who were relying on me.  So onward I went. Basketball coaching, school banking, nutrition practice, mother and carer. I worked from home as much as I could, as the end of the year was not far away. Like a marathon runner seeing the finish line, I had to keep going.

I wrote an email to the practice manager, explaining my absence at the clinic. While I did not answer to her, I felt it common curtesy to advise her of my state of mental health, my feelings of burn-out and a few minor issues that had been grating on me over the year. As COVID had prevented us from having a six month review in person, I felt I would document everything in an email. The response I received put the final nail in the proverbial coffin! She thanked me for my message and felt it was best that we part ways! I read it over and over again. Was she really kicking me while I was already on the floor? Every emotion came over me from grief, anger, sadness, dismay and everything else you can think of. I had mentioned that I needed to get away for a while. To recollect myself and come back stronger and more resilient. Telling me to leave the clinic, meant that I could not go away, as I would need to spend that time finding a new clinic location to move in to.

After a few days, I had calmed down enough to reply in a calm and reductive manner, and this time she replied with a three-month extension on my current sublease. I should be grateful, and I am. But the bitter taste of being kicked out due to my brutal honesty is hard to shift. I keep telling myself, there is something better on the horizon. Something with a bigger impact than before. But I am too tired to dream big. Too hurt and too lonely to be able to see the light. Through such a difficult year, I have managed to successfully treat nearly 60 clients! That’s amazing for my first year and I never would have believed that possible, especially through a pandemic. I’m proud of myself beyond belief and if I could give myself an award, I would. Well done woman, you are amazing. I know Mark is with me, and I know my Angels have a bigger plan for me. But I still struggle to let go of what I have achieved and the thought of starting again elsewhere is just to much to bare right now.

It’s less than a week before Christmas, and I haven’t even put up a single Christmas decoration. Just another thing on my massive “To Do” list.  My dear cousin in Germany has been denied access into the country, and our grand plans of spending months together, completely squashed. To add to that load, her mother is slowly and agonisingly dying. Unable to eat or drink, she has been starving to death for weeks. This has to be the cruellest and most devastating way to end a beautiful life, and my heart breaks for her. I want to be with her to comfort her, pray with her and hug her, but I am denied this, as many others around the world have also experienced isolation from their loved ones.

I have managed to pull-off a week away in Mount Gambier and some time driving the “Old Girl”. After nearly an entire year sitting in the carport, she purred like a kitten as I registered her once more and took her on the open road. The power in her turbo charged engine unmistakable. A chance to reconnect with family and disconnect with the problems at home. A chance to find myself again, or drown my sorrows in wine. Either way, a necessity to distance myself from all 2020 has brought to the table. The highs along with the devastating lows.  A chance to just “Be” and breathe and find hope again, that the new year will bring new opportunities, and new energy to the work that I do, and the life that I lead.

Post Number 74 - Flat-lined

 The mind works in interesting and mysterious ways. One minute you can be feeling on top of the world, feeling like you have purpose in life and that all the pain life has presented to you, has a bigger meaning, when suddenly, the rug gets pulled out from under you and you fall on the floor. I literally felt on top of the world and suddenly, I was struggling to get out of bed.

I no longer wanted to see clients, and that energetic message was heard loud and clear. Clients cancelled and no new clients came, and I was glad. For months my clinic room was filled with new and existing clients, and I worked hard to ensure I was setting them all up for success. With nearly 50 clients on my books, my confidence levels were at an all time high, and maybe this was my downfall. 

One consultation did not go so well, and then a second consultation felt awkward and uncomfortable. Both were brain cancer clients, and both did not seem to feel that I had the knowledge and experience needed to bring them back to good health, despite providing them with evidence based research. I withdrew completely, into a dark dark place, and I wanted to stay there. Everything suffered, my basketball coaching, friendships, and our harmonious household began to fall apart.

I knew I had to brush it off and get on with the task at hand, as my first and original brain cancer client was doing famously well, as he and his family had adopted all the changes and treatment plans without question.  But no amount of telling myself "I could do this" was working. I sought help from emotional health practitioners and while their treatments provided me a little relief, I still struggled to re-light that fire and passion for my work, and for life in general.

I grew more and more lonely and sad as the anniversary of Mark's passing reminded me that I was now five years alone. Then an opportunity arose, a chance to do some group Equine Therapy. I jumped at the opportunity and cleared my diary, which wasn't very hard to do!  

We were a small group of around six participants in a large indoor arena, a facilitator and a horse named Honey, most likely named due to her beautiful honey colour. Our group was asked, "Who wants to go first and have their time with Honey". Usually, I would be the first to speak up and volunteer, as I am fearless, brave and self confident. But I cowered in the corner, had my head down low, and was unable to speak. 

One by one, each participant had their turn with Honey as we watched on and every experience was completely different, even though the horse was the same. You see, Equine Therapy is simply you and the horse, and the horse becomes an extension of your energy and your presence. The horse is not trained to perform a certain way and is completely at liberty, meaning she can walk away, walk with you, face you or not. And this was my biggest fear. I love horses and I don't fear them at all, but I knew this therapy is uncontrollable. What if she walks away or doesn't want to connect with me. What if she feels, like two of my clients, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I am not experienced enough and she just walks away.

Hours flew by and I left the viewing area to get some fresh air. I knew my time was coming as everyone else enjoyed their experience and the facilitator interpreted the movements and gestures made by Honey. I received a phone call from one of the said clients ,and we had a brief chat. I felt slightly better, but still quite troubled. I entered the viewing gantry and stood by the edge of the arena, as I knew it was my turn. I stood frozen in fear and I couldn't move or speak. Honey was now in the arena by herself, and she was standing next to a few jump obstacles that had been left by previous users of the arena. 

She started behaving very strangely as she used her teeth, her body and her hooves to move and push over the obstacles. Everyone was stunned and asking, "what is she doing and why". Everyone made suggestions of what it might have been, but I knew, especially when she knocked over one of the boxes, and then placed her front legs on top of it, as if she was a circus horse. "OMG", I thought to myself. "She is picking up on my energy. She is breaking down barriers and rising above them, I thought". I entered the arena and walked towards her and she stopped her wrecking ball behaviour, looked straight at me, head up, ears pricked forward. I stopped around five metres in front of her. In my mind, I asked her to come towards me and she did! I took a deep breath and we connected physically, as mentally, I asked permission to touch her. She was sweet and gentle and we shared a lovely moment as our energies connected. 

After a little while, I backed away, turned my back and walked away. To my relief, she followed and I continued walking and headed towards the onlookers. Then I thought, "What if she is just wanting to be near all the other participants and she is not actually following me?" I immediately stopped and did a quick about face and walked confidently and rather quickly in the opposite direction to the gantry. Honey was a little taken aback as she coordinated her four legs to make the sharp change of direction. But then I felt her breath on my shoulder as she confirmed to me, that she was there for me and no one else. I stopped and the floodgates of tears flowed. I sobbed as she came even closer, put her head over my shoulder and into my chest, as if to hug me. Words entered my mind..."You are loved, you are worthy, you are protected, you are doing what you are meant to be doing, it's okay, everything is okay".

I pulled myself together, turned around and hugged Honey's neck, and I thanked her for showing me what I needed to see and feel. I walked back to the gantry and everyone looked at me with astonishment, some even with tears. I smiled.

The next day, my spring was back in my step and I felt ready to continue my work and clients presented themselves once more. So my work continues, but things are different now. I love my work and there is much to love and be grateful for in my life, but the emptiness remains. I miss companionship more than anything. I miss Mark every day and yet I know how different my life would be if he hadn't left. I know I wouldn't be involved in Sebastian's Robotics Club, I know I wouldn't have the close and special bond with him that I have, if Mark had stayed, and it's quite possible, that I may not have gone in to my Nutrition practice as I have. It's also possible that Sebastian and Mark would have had such a close bond, that I may have even felt resentment towards them both, as they built robots projects together and attended car racing events without me.

I was once asked "what do you miss about your old self, the person you were before you lost Mark". I think about that question often, and still I cannot find an answer.  I don't miss feeling like I don't belong, or that I need to please anyone, or my lack of confidence in myself or needing someone to emotionally prop me up. I like the person I am now. I like my confidence, my strength, my faith in my Angels, in the Universe. I love hanging out with the "geeks" at robotics. I love the close bond I share with Sebastian and I cannot, for the life of me, think of a character trait that I had, that I miss. 

But I do miss Mark. I miss his unconditional love for me. I miss cooking for him. I miss surprising him with things and making travel plans or home improvement plans with him. I miss greeting him when he comes home from a busy day at work, and I miss his hugs, his wet kisses and his intuition. 

Today I did the grocery shopping, as I do every Saturday, and I found myself holding back tears. I had no thoughts, no worries and no triggers. Only tears. I moved out of the supermarket as fast as I could as I sat in my car and sobbed. Sebastian had a similar experience earlier in the week. Tears for no apparent reason. Is it the looming of Christmas, the knowledge that our beloved Regina from Germany,
will not be joining us this year due to COVID, or just a wave of grief that comes and then goes again? 

Grief never leaves. It changes shape, makes us stronger, and we learn to live with and walk alongside it, but it never goes away. 

Post Number 73 - COVID, Brain Cancer and a Hypothesis

So there I was, working away in my new clinic room, enjoying my new career, just six weeks in, when BLAM...COVID-19 hit us with a WHACK! While technically, we were permitted to stay open, as a Practice, the decision was made to close the clinic for the sake of our health, and the well-being of our clients.  

I also had concerns for the vulnerability of my Mum, so I pulled Sebastian out of school and cancelled all her carer visits. So there we were at home, all together, not seeing clients or any other visitors. At first it was a novelty, home schooling, working from home, going on daily walks out in the sunshine, but that soon wore off. 

Three weeks in, and I felt like I had lost touch with all my clients as they didn't respond to any of my messages. Home schooling became very challenging as Sebastian seemed to take hours to do one small task. I lost my patience with him several times as I slowly lost my mind. 

And then, a phone call from a dear friend that I had met through school. She hesitated at first, and then blurted out, my husband is in the RAH (Royal Adelaide Hospital) with a brain tumour, Glioblastoma grade 4, and is having surgery on Thursday. OH MY GOODNESS...this can't be happening...AGAIN! Same cancer, same location, and another young healthy lean man. I reassured her as best I could while I went into "practitioner mode", while trying to keep my composure as I dealt with the shock in real-time.

Once off the phone, I sat stunned as I took some deep breaths. I talked to my Angels, "Really?" I said, "I just started, how can I possibly treat this man and save his life? Surely I need more experience before I start taking on terminal cases?"  The answer that came back was simple...You ARE ready, you have been studying and researching brain cancer and toxicity for years, IT'S TIME. 

And so it started. I visited the family at home, armed with bags full of "stuff". I had a salt lamp for their bedroom, timers for electronic devices, organic foods, recipes and my laptop to take notes. I quizzed them on mobile phone usage, stress levels and locations of electronic devices at night, and changes were made, right there and then. I also spent a lot of time consoling the family, who were completely falling apart to the thought of losing this wonderful man. What was going to be a 1-2 hour home visit ended up being an entire day and we drove away from their home in the dark, mentally exhausted.

One of the many items in my bag of tricks was my heavy metal scanning device, the OligoScan, that I had just received the day before. I had ordered it six weeks prior, but due to COVID in China, manufacturing and shipping had been significantly delayed. I knew that I wouldn't be able to use it as I had not yet received my software and licence, but, the voice in my head (yes Mark, that's you), kept saying, Just pack it, you never know. I replied back, "but it's Sunday, it's not going to come through today", Just pack it, he insisted. "Ok fine, if it shuts you up, I will pack it". 

4pm and I had just finished another round of tears and discussions with the family about what was to come with treatments through the medical profession, and I quickly checked my email on my phone, and there it was, my licence and the link to download and install the software. I did not delay and quickly set it all up, plugged in the device and got to work. I scanned him, and the result was as clear as day. Heavy metal toxicity was indeed a big factor, but I knew it wasn't the ONLY factor. 

I supported the family as best as I could as the harsh and invasive treatments continued for weeks on end. He handled them well and I supported him nutritionally to help with the damaging effects of radiotherapy and chemotherapy.  And then, another brain cancer client came along and then another. So now I had three clients to work with, collect data from and assist in their journeys. 

By now, the threat of COVID had dramatically reduced in Adelaide and our clinic rooms were open once more. By the second week, I was inundated with new clients and existing clients started booking again. I was elated and overwhelmed all at once, as I worked hard to ensure every client received the answers to their main health question...how did I get to this health state? I was able to answer this question, again and again and I started to feel quite incredible, the OligoScan and blood pathology assisting me almost every time. The only clients I couldn't answer this question for, was my three brain cancer clients. All had high heavy metals, albeit different metals, and I knew stress was a factor, but this was not enough and certainly not grounds for a scientific journal article. 

Months went by and my Nutritional Medicine practice continued to gain momentum as my own health started to suffer. I became increasingly tired and I started to ache all over. First it was just a little in my knees, an old injury from my youth, nothing to worry about.  But this continued to gain strength and soon my whole body ached, especially in the morning when I first woke up. Then sleep started to become an issue and I had to accept the reality, that the dreaded Fibromyalgia was back to greet me! 

One Friday evening, as I sat at the Robotics Club, while Sebastian attended a learning workshop, I decided I needed to tidy up the desktop of my laptop. As an ex-IT Professional, my desktop was rather disgraceful, full of articles and notes to read later. Of course, "later" never came and the desktop became more and more cluttered. I came across some old articles on toxicity and detoxification. I started reading them and all of a sudden, the virtual light-bulb above my head started blinking like crazy. I quickly grabbed some paper and started making notes and joining all those proverbial dots between all my brain cancer clients and Mark. The next week I spent a day working from home and I started putting all my theories together in one article. I sent it to the family who started this whole process and waited for what seemed like an eternity for their response but nothing came. I went to bed thinking, oh well, I'm just a Nutritionist, it's not like I have all the answers. 

Next morning I checked my phone and there was the text message from late the night before "Fucking Brilliant" was the message. I jumped for joy, but I needed more validation, so I sent it to one of my "Published" lecturers from Uni and also to the Functional Doctor that I had formed a good working relationship with, as he was able to provide IV Nutrition and Heavy Metal Chelation treatments to my clients, without the need for them to have full consultations. Both responses came back with very positive feedback and I felt ready to share it with my clients and then published it in as many places I could, including my business website and Facebook page, my personal Facebook page, Instagram and LinkedIn. So now I wait for more clients, in particular brain cancer clients. For my hypothesis to become a reality, I need a bigger sample size and survival rates far beyond the medical professions predictions. 

I feel the weight on my shoulders, and it's both heavy and elating at the same time. The coincidences just keep on coming. The fact there is a functional doctors literally a kilometre up the road, the timing of everything, the finding of old research and the information that just comes, always when I need it. I continue to live each day with gratitude and to be of service. The more I do this, the more life falls into place. Even the Fibromyalgia is a reminder to keep the balance, to love and care for the self, to find the answers and to heal myself once again. 

Post Number 72 – A New Year, A New Business Venture

With my degree now complete after five long years, it was time to take a huge leap of faith and start living my dream of running my own Nutrition business. As I completed my last exam, I sat at home and celebrated with a glass of wine … alone. The feelings of relief, joy and disbelief of actually completing a University degree, totally overwhelmed me. This quickly followed with extreme loneliness. I felt so proud of my achievements; Me, the high school drop-out, the very mature age student, a Bachelor degree! Unbelievable! Mark always knew I could do it and perhaps, deep down I knew it too. He always instilled a confidence in me that I could never find for myself. He always encouraged and supported me to follow my passion. The road wasn’t without its challenges, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am a better and stronger person and a better practitioner for those challenges.

One of the biggest challenges I faced in those last six months of my degree, was my Mum’s health. During our massive adventure in Borneo and Bali, Mum had experienced several angina attacks while staying in the aged care home. This was highly unusual for her and I put it down to the stress of us being away and her not being in her home surroundings, even though she was in a familiar place.

A few weeks later and I began my final semester of student clinic along with a business subject. Luckily, I only needed to be on campus one day a week, albeit an extremely long day from 7.30am until 6pm, and missing a day was not an option due to the compulsory nature of clinic and classroom theory hours.

Only two weeks in and Mum became increasingly unwell and suddenly seemed to age twenty years. For the first time ever, she actually looked every one of those 92¾ years. Her heart was racing, she was sweating and she was moaning, so I called an ambulance, despite her refusal. Thankfully, she was admitted into Flinders Private Hospital where she was to receive much better care than a public hospital.

Four days later, she was released as she seemed perfectly well as she danced around the corridors of the cardiac ward, with simply a medication to slow her heart rate down. But her condition began to deteriorate again, so I took her to her local GP who knew her well and would understand that her condition was not “normal”. Anyone not knowing her would simply think, “She is just old, she is bound to slow down and look old and frail”. Thankfully, we agreed on the same blood testing investigations. I suspected that she had a bladder infection, which the doctor confirmed with laboratory testing. Her blood markers were completely off the charts in all kinds of directions, leaving both myself and the doctor very confused. We tested urine, blood and stools and treated the infection with both allopathic medicine and nutritional medicine. A CT scan was also completed, as her entire abdomen was extremely tender to the touch.

Fearing the worst, the doctor and I were both surprised that the scan showed no colon cancer as we had both suspected. There was however, a small lesion on her pancreas, but nothing more was discussed about this. The amount of care that she needed during this time was nothing short of “full-time”. She could not get out of bed or her chair, and she could not walk unaided. For weeks, she did not leave her apartment as she couldn’t tackle the one step down from her place to mine. I would attend doctor’s appointments on her behalf to discuss pathology results and her progress, and I arranged for carers to come in for the day I spent at Uni. I was exhausted and again very very alone. At Uni, my colleagues rallied around me, fetched me tea or coffee, gave me much needed hugs, allowed me to cry and supported me as much as they could. But at home, I felt the weight on my shoulders as Sebastian and I had to do everything for her. I texted a friend, telling her my world had been upside down and could we meet. The reply came more like an appointment time than a friendship. She never asked if I was ok or what had rattled me so much. This compounded my loneliness and realisation that I was in this alone…again. Thankfully another friend offered me support over the phone, allowed me to talk and cry and helped me to find some inner strength to keep going.

The memories of caring for Mark came flooding back, front and centre. I constantly felt overwhelmed and Sebastian had to pull his weight more than ever before. He even had to do the cooking one night a week while I was at Uni. He had the help of a carer most of the time to do the cooking, until the carers changed and he was left to cook on his own. But even that required a lot of organisation and planning from me, to ensure I gave him an easy recipe to follow and the ingredients were in the fridge or left out on the bench for him to find.

As each week passed, I continued my nutritional support, and for the first time, Mum was actually compliant with taking supplements, and to my surprise, she started to improve. While I fully understand and know the healing power of nutrition and the body’s’ ability to heal, I also know that anyone elderly, especially over 90, will often not be able to heal very effectively or not to full capacity. But here she was, getting out of her chair, not needing her walking aids so much and then one day, I found her in the kitchen rummaging around in my fridge! Her newest blood tests also showed massive improvements from the blood taken just five weeks prior, as it seemed everything was returning back to her baseline levels.

Eight weeks later and she was back to full health and more active than ever. I was dumbfounded at her body’s resilience and healing ability. It was only weeks later when I needed to write a case study for Uni, that I was given printed results of all her tests and discovered that the lesion on the pancreas had a name (intraductal papillary mucinous neoplasia [IPMN]) and gallstones had also been detected yet these had never been discussed. I researched IPMN, compared all the pathology and everything lined up perfectly. She had suffered from acute pancreatitis, although it had not reached the point of detection on the CT scan and therefore not officially diagnosed. I know I played a big part in healing her, and I wrote my paper on her case with confidence and all the pathology evidence and associated research. She reached her 93rd Birthday as well as seeing another Christmas and had the pleasure of another visit from my cousin from Germany; And I lived to finish my degree and tell the story!

As the New Year came and went and my cousin returned to her homeland, it was time to go full-thrust into starting my business. With most of the planning already done and my ideal clinic room secured, I worked tirelessly to prepare for my new business venture. I took ownership of my leased room on the 15th January and again, with only Sebastian’s help, we moved all my equipment in and setup the room. It was perfect, just as I had imagined. I share the building with a group of young and energetic holistic Osteopaths and the most wonderful and experienced receptionist anyone could ask for. I felt at home right away and was welcomed by this tight group of professional practitioners. I simply couldn’t feel more blessed and supported by my peers. Our modalities complement each other beautifully and we refer each other regularly. The thought of paying rent is still daunting and sometimes the fear and low confidence pops up and presents itself. But I am learning to say “Hi” to it and say “Thank you for your concern” and then just get on with what I do best. With each potential client that I talk to, each business that I partner with and each client that I see, I feel more and more confident and totally elated in the knowledge that I am doing what I am meant to be doing. I have Divine help, I know that. There are too many coincidences for there not to be. This gives me incredible comfort, to know Mark is with me, presenting me with information when I need it, and instilling that confidence that only he knew how to do.

While the adjustment to working from home, to working in a business office has been somewhat unsettling and difficult, I absolutely love going to work each day. Never has my life felt so right, at least, not since Mark passed away. The loneliness is still there, very much, and I am looking at ways of balancing that with other activities such as dancing or meeting new people through “meet-up groups”. But these activities require effort and stepping out of my comfort zone and the security and familiarity of being at home with my young man, playing video games and cuddling up to a movie with him. But I know I need to get out there, have some fun with other adults and start to enjoy life again. I talk to my clients about finding “balance” and I too must find this balance, no matter how difficult it may be.