Post Number 85 - And just like that - She's gone!

 As the world continued to turn, fight, bomb and kill each other, we had our own war brewing in our household, as I watched my beautiful renovation become more and more cluttered again. I tried my best to keep my cool with my Mum, but the stress of having her in the household continued to grow. Our dear Elsa became sick, and almost overnight, she was gone. A sad time indeed, as we were all left shocked at how suddenly she left us. 

Guilt crept in. Had I done enough? Had I loved her enough? Maybe I should have realised sooner that she was not feeling the best. But I had to let that go. I did the best that I could for her, despite her challenging behaviours. We took her on holidays and on beach walks and I exercised her most days, and trained her to competition level. While it's true that I never felt that deep connection that I did with my little Maltese X Benji, I did love her, it just took me a long time to see past her behaviour and into her troubled soul.  But she was there for me when Mark left, and cuddled with me when I was at my lowest, and for that, I will always be grateful to her. 

But then I had other thoughts on my mind and other things to look forward to. My cousin from Germany was finally coming to visit us again, after the four years of COVID craziness, only this time, staying for 3 months, rather than 3 weeks, as she had now retired from the workforce. This was most exciting and I was using this excuse to move Mum back to the retirement village, as she would need better accommodation when staying for this longer period of time. Reluctantly Mum moved back again, and we talked about our relationship and how I needed her to stay permanently this time, for the sake of my own health. She seemed to understand this, and settled in quite quickly to her new surroundings and lifestyle without much complaint or guilt trips.

Work was busier than ever, and my assistant was working out great. She ensured my appointment blocks were filled and clients had everything they needed, while I focused on the consultations and getting ready for our overseas arrival. 

Regina arrived with her ever glowing smile and her loving energy and I was excited to show her the beautiful living space that I had created for her, along with the private balcony which I knew she would love. With sea views and cool sea breezes, this would be the perfect summer apartment for her. She was blown away and so excited to be with us again. 

After a few days of settling in and clearing the jetlag, we talked intensely about Sebastian, my Mum and my work. Sebastian had been so low, hating school and refusing to go. He simply walked out and never went back, two weeks before the end of the school year. We had already arranged a new school for him for the new year, but he just couldn't bare attending school any longer for this year. His energy was angry, depressed, argumentative and so very heavy and dark, and nothing I did improved it. Even Regina's happy energy did little to bring the beautiful little boy inside, out to the surface. 

An opportunity to purchase a puppy came about, and I questioned him about this. Would he like to have a little dog of his own? He would need to train it and look after it, but it could sleep in his room and be his little friend. He thought about it long and hard and asked if I would go through with the very expensive purchase of a little cavoodle puppy. He contributed half the money, and we now had the long wait until our little fluff ball would be old enough to leave his Mum and join our little family. 

At the very same time, my clinic room had been transformed into a room that no longer resembled Me and my practice. I was told to remove my big ugly desk and was given a tiny white desk with a glass top to work with. My black drawers had to be replaced with white ones, and I was told that I would not be able to use the room on Wednesdays and that my rent would be going up 25%. Everything felt uncomfortable at the clinic and the other girls also felt insecure and unhappy. Within a week, they all quit and I was left wondering what on earth was happening. With no clinicians and no clients walking through the door, and a room that I no longer liked or could afford, there was no longer any reason to stay.

At the very same time this was happening, a Naturopath colleague was having similar discussions around rent at her clinic space, and after a short discussion, and a quick walk through, I decided to move my clinic stuff for the 4th time in 4 years. I couldn't believe I was doing this again, when I had been so happy in the space and the energy that I was in. It worked so beautifully for my assistant as well, and I had good relationships with the businesses around me. To start over again overwhelmed me, and my mind went straight back to "why am I doing this exactly?".

But this time I had my assistant to help me, and my cousin by my side, to support me physically and emotionally, and within a few weeks I was back in business at my new shared location. Did I feel at home in this space? Not really. I needed to change many things about how I ran the business, but these were all cost saving practices anyway, so a good opportunity to review everything. I had given up trying to control everything and found peace in having a professional clinic space, despite it being set up for a Naturopath. It would do for now, and so conveniently located at the bottom of my home street, it meant I could be home quickly if need be and would allow me to be home more for the new puppy when he arrived. 

Christmas came and went, almost as quickly as New Years, and no sooner had we put up the decorations, we were pulling them down again, and planning the next adventure and project. Our puppy was due to arrive very soon, and we also had another significant renovation to prepare for as well as a 5 day beach holiday. Whoa...so much to organise and prepare. We picked up our little puppy and we all fell instantly in love with him. Sebastian named him Leo, and he was just a joy. But like all puppies, he came with a significant caring workload. Between us though, we managed really well, and little Leo took it in turns to sleep in our bedrooms, so that the other could get some rest. To say that it was like having a baby all over again, is totally accurate. The early morning toilet trips, the 3-4 feeds per day, watching to make sure he doesn't chew or put something harmful in his mouth, completely exhausting. But then, he was so loving and sweet, the stress soon melted away. 

Sebastian's mood also seemed to lift a little, but he became quite exhausted being a puppy daddy. We joked that he was no longer a little boy but a young man and a daddy, and he did not like this at all. Sebastian was significantly taller than me, and still extremely thin. Being told he was now a young adult did not fit with how he felt, and we soon stopped the teasing.

Our week away together, in our little summer shack, was truly blissful. I was quite stressed about how we would all fit in this tiny house, 3 adults and a puppy, but somehow, it worked wonderfully, and much fun in the sun and special moments was had by us all. Even little Leo was quite chilled and took to his new surroundings quite well, considering that he had only just settled in at our family home the week before. 

We came home again full of life and contentment, and worked hard to bring the house back together after the renovation, and I continued my nutrition work on some days in between. By now Regina was feeling quite independent and like a local, as she had mastered the public transport system and used my bike to get around to local places like the outdoor pool. She had also completed several practice bike runs with Sebastian to his new school, so that he would feel confident riding his new bike and navigating the unfamiliar streets to school. This was quite a transition from riding a bus each day. 

On Seb's first day of school, I had to work, and I was unable to ride with him as I had planned, so Regina picked up the Mummy reigns and jumped in. She rode with him and into the school yard, where he was immediately recognised by staff who were ready to show him the way to the bike racks and to his starting classroom. Regina then rode on to the outdoor pool, knowing that he was in good hands and being well looked after. As he arrived home, she welcomed him with a delicious tea and a snack, while they chatted about their days. 

From that day on, Regina was known as Mummy 2, and she had personally taken on this role, to support us both. She would give him life lessons, loads of laughs and encouraged him in all aspects of his life. She made countless pots of tea for after school and before bed, and we both looked forward to her daily tea creations. Sebastian loved his new school and felt supported, safe and challenged with interesting subjects and content. As each day went past, we saw a little more of the beautiful young man that we knew was just under the surface. He smiled, joked and laughed again, and his bond with his little Leo grew strong. Our daily "Happy Hour" became a truly happy time for us all. 

By now, February was drawing to a close, and my well adjusted, part of the family cousin, was preparing herself for her journey home, to cold, grey Germany. We spent much of her last two weeks together, Fringing, Picnicking, Dancing, singing and laughing our heads off, with all talk of leaving banned from conversation. She was now part of the furniture, Sebastian's other Mummy, and my closest friend and confidant. We had cooked together, watched sunsets together, even ran a Retreat together, and our sister like souls well and truly intertwined. 

But it was time for her to return to her new life as a retiree in a very unsettled part of the world. The war in Ukraine now 2 years on, the continued unrest in the middle east, and the threat of China and America wanting to dominate the world, little Adelaide seemed like the safest place on earth to be. But Regina had close friends and a retirement plan of living on an organic farm and community to look forward to in her home land, but also the grey dark winters. Discussions around a repeat of this trip was well received and this made saying goodbye much easier, knowing that in nine months time, we would hopefully be saying "welcome back" yet again.

So I sit on what is now "my" balcony. A space in my house that has not been "mine" for eight years. A space to stop and reflect, breathe and be in the present moment. Feeling the heat of the day, but the cool fresh sea breeze, is something that Regina had enjoyed for the past 3 months, and now it's mine to enjoy. The king size bed, with its adjoining bathroom, "mine" to enjoy. It's now time for me to enjoy all the things my home and garden can bring me. The birds, the nature and the opportunities to be content with myself and who I am, without a man or my mother to bring me down. I have many life and business decisions to make and potential directions to take the business. There are business opportunities or ones that may fall flat. I know in my soul, that I really have no control at all of what comes next. The illusion that we can actually take our life in a particular direction, long gone. My to do list is endless, but I find it difficult to make a start. Being right here and right now, is all I can handle right now. The loss of my Mummy 2 and best Friend leaving a gaping hole that needs time to mend. So for now, I will lose myself in my fresh clean balcony apartment, and reflect on the good times we had and the future of new good times and adventures we are yet to have. 

Post Number 84 - Embracing the Self

It wasn't long before the romantic fairytale changed, and true colours made an appearance. My heavy feelings of the world closing in on me continued, with more stresses than any single person should have to deal with. The space where my Mum lived, was becoming more and more cluttered, to the point that it was becoming impossible to ignore. I decided it was time for a renovation, and a chance to clean and make that space beautiful once more. Seven years of obsessive and uncontrollable hoarding meant there was very little space to walk around, and every corner was full of bags or boxes of "stuff". 

In discussions (and arguments) with Mum, it was decided that she would go back into assisted living for a three month period, so that I could empty everything out, clean, paint, and re-cover the flooring and windows.  It would become a "respite" for us all and for our relationships with each other.

My lover swooped in and saved the day yet again, by bringing his trailer, so that we could relocate her into the retirement village that housed her before she moved in with us. Having his help made the task so much easier and she was soon settled in with all her worldly and most important possessions, while I started the massive cleanup task. 

A week later and I was making great progress and the space was already looking better, less cluttered and clean. It wasn't long before we took the opportunity to sleep in this space, as it was located a very long way from Sebastian's bedroom and it had an adjoining bathroom. It was at this time, that I was given a proposition, as this living space had the opportunity to "fix" some of the current living arrangement problems in our relationship. I was offered significant weekly rent as a financial incentive in allowing him to move in. With Mum's clothes still hanging the wardrobe, I was a little taken aback, and I responded with a "I'll think about it". 

The next few days however, saw him continue to come over, each time bringing his dog and a car full of clothes and other "bits and pieces". When I challenged him on this, he responded flippantly, as it was "just a few clothes" and "no big deal". I was told to chill out and not be so argumentative about everything. The next thing I knew, he had bought a new doggy door and was cutting a big hole in my fairly new laundry door, so that his dog could easily access the entire property with ease. 

Within two weeks, he was fully moved in, and I was left dumb-founded and wondering how or why I let this happen. It wasn't long before I started to feel uncomfortable with him being around all the time, barely working, and barely contributing to the household financially. He was "between jobs" now, and working only a few two hour shifts a week. The rest of the time he spent looking for the "perfect" job, or watching movies on Netflix, while I continued to work fulltime hours and completed all the domestic duties. On one occasion, he "cleaned" but only the space he was living in, which left me to clean the rest of the house. He of course, boasted about how much he had contributed and that he always did the housework at his house. The cost of groceries continued to increase, and I felt a pressure to provide a home-cooked meal each night, and it had to have lots of protein. One time he actually gave me advise on weight loss and boasted how he could be a personal trainer as he had so much knowledge on nutrition and weight loss! 

I was beginning to despise him and even avoided going home as I knew he would be there. My bank account was dwindling and while I completed the renovation of the balcony, any other renovation progress completely stopped due to his presence. 

One morning, we all sat in the main lounge room eating our breakfast, his dog perching himself on the couch in-between Sebastian and Me. My darling old schnauzer Elsa, came over to me for a pat, and his dog did not like that at all. A jealous dog, he demanded attention, and he had taken ownership of us. He leaped off the couch and lunged at Elsa, while I threw myself in-between to protect her. She barked aggressively back and the two dogs meant business with all teeth barred. He was eventually encouraged to go outside, and was given a "treat" once free of the pressure cooker inside. I was left shaken and furious, to see his dog rewarded for such behaviour that could have seriously hurt my dog, if not kill her, as well as putting myself and Sebastian in danger. 

Later that morning, he left for his two hour shift, never mentioning the incident. He did however, notice my coldness and questioned it. I told him how upset I was, my hands still shaking, and how he had rewarded the behaviour, almost encouraging it to happen again. He laughed and told me that he "knew his dog" and that no one was ever in danger. He then outlined that when he first started bringing his dog around, it was always my dog that would boss his dog around, and it was just his time now to stand up for himself. Somehow, he had managed to make even this incident "my fault".

I spoke no more, and waited until that evening, to ask him to move out. I was completely done. Any love that I had started to feel for this man, started reversing the minute he pushed his way into my home. By this stage, we were arguing daily, and I was always left feeling like everything was my fault and told I was argumentative. I continued to uncover lies and tall stories that he would tell, and I really wanted it to all end immediately.

The minute he was gone, I slept soundly in my own bed again and I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. The very next day, I booked a trip to the Red Centre, so that Sebastian and I could getaway, reconnect and heal. While the trip was amazing, and fulfilling in many ways, I was left with a massive renovation task to finish, in now half the time. Somehow however, I managed to arrange all the trades and the work was finished in record time, and Mum moved back in again, as she had also had enough of living with others who didn't understand her. 

So now life is back to some kind of normal. Mum is home again, work is busier than ever, and I am on my own again left wondering if I am destined to live this way for the rest of my life, or if there is a bigger plan for me. Did I fail at yet another relationship, or am I just continually attracting the wrong kind of person? My fear of loneliness over-shadowing all the signs that this man was not right for me.  It's true that in both the relationships that I started, my energy was almost a desperation to not feel loneliness and to find happiness by being in a relationship, rather than finding the happiness within myself. By going into these relationships in this way, meant that I completely lost my true self and went back into care-taker mode. As a person who is continually giving of myself, I lose all sense of self and ultimately, I end up alone. Even friendships break down, and I am left hurt and lonely yet again. 

Birthdays are an example of times when I feel the most lonely.  I try asking others to join me at events, but this usually ends up in disappointment with no one wanting or able to attend, and the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness resurfacing. This cycle has continued my whole life, and this is the very cycle that I need to break. So now I face my loneliness in the face. Hello! I accept you and honour you. You give me space to be Me! You don't judge Me! You don't tell Me what I can and can't do!  It is time for me to embrace You and if I am to live this life alone, then I must make peace with You. My happiness must come from within Me; From the work that I do and the way that I spend my time. 

So today, on my birthday, I asked myself, Irene my friend, what lights you up? and I answer, "writing lights me up" and "mentoring lights me up", and today I was given the opportunity to complete both. Of course, there is only one other person who lights me up, and that is my sweet sweet boy, who is more like his father every day. Struggling with his own teenage demons, and unable to express his true feelings, he actually wrote me a note telling me how much I mean to him and how sorry he is that he struggles to express himself appropriately. And yet, he did express himself for the first time ever, bringing me to tears as I found the note hidden under my drink bottle on my desk. 

Today I friend you "Loneliness". Today I will stop trying to hide you away and cover you with meaningless relationships. Today I embrace You and embrace Myself. I am a good person and do everything I can to support others, often to the point of full depletion of Myself. I am often misunderstood. I am different. My brain is not wired the same as the majority of the population, and today I say, "That's okay".  

I lost my first ever brain cancer patient recently, and it hurt and continues to destroy my heart. His family almost completely shunning me now. I felt I did everything I could for this family, as I treated many of his adult children as well as him. But his life I could not save, despite my best efforts. As the news of his health moving to "end of life", I stood back respectfully, to allow his family to be by his bedside. I never had the chance to say good bye or to tell him how grateful I was to be chosen as his practitioner. I hope in the afterlife, he understands just how much I cared, and just how heartbroken I am that he is gone. I hope that one day, his family will speak to me again, and understand that I am hurting too.  

I wish and hope for many things, and I still talk to Mark every night and tell him how much I miss him, but also how much I appreciate the opportunities that I am presented with. I have an assistant at work now, and she is truly a dream come true. She takes such a load off my shoulders, and gives me the opportunity to focus on my clients. Some might say that "business must be booming if I can afford an assistant", but it's really a case of spending money to make money, and a little bit of crossing the fingers that I make enough money to be able to pay her. I don't have all the answers, but I know that I needed to make changes if I am to preserve my sanity. My constant burn-out is unsustainable, and this is my last attempt to make this business work and to continue to gain respect from my peers. It's not an easy road that I have chosen, but then that was never my destiny. 

Post number 83 - The Romance Intensifies

I continued meeting with this mysterious online stranger for nearly four weeks, seeing each other several times each week. With every encounter, our attraction to each other continued to intensify and a weekend escape was organised, to provide an opportunity for uninterrupted time together and intimacy. The lead up to this weekend became sexually supercharged, the closer it came to the date. 

I had no expectations on how this time away would look, but simply organised all the food, so that we would not need to leave our accommodation for the duration of our two night     stay. We enjoyed the most delicious meal at a nearby country pub, with exquisite fine dining food, before we made our way to the little bed and breakfast that I had arranged.

After nearly three full days of complete immersion into each other, returning to the reality of life hit hard. While away, our phones were silent and any outside pressure bounced off our invisible forcefield. There had been no need to dress, apply makeup or style the hair. Simply to "be" in the present moment with the present company. No expectations, no worries, just discovery in the self and in the relationship.

Conversation came easily, as did the seemingly constant love making. Tenderness, gentleness and care, always at the forefront of all activities, it was hard to not feel the love that was being generated.  Sleep was difficult however. The unfamiliar environment, the bed, although not uncomfortable, not one's own, and the sharing of this place of sleep with another. Both wanting the other to feel relaxed and content in sleep, somewhat compromising our own opportunity for deep slumber.

Leaving our love nest came with a flood of realisation that we had to return home. Delaying this process a little seemed an obvious choice, as did heading straight to the coast. But being out in public again felt uncomfortable, not to mention the extreme heat and stuffy, unairconditioned cafes.

My head filled with all the things I had let go of when I had entered our love bubble. My work, my home life and of course, if I could make a future with this man that I had been naked and fully exposed with. I had given myself completely to him, and I began questioning whether I had left myself too exposed, and suddenly I felt vulnerable again.

Our time together exceeded all expectations, although there hadn't been many expectations to speak about. We seemed to be physically compatible and enjoyed all aspects of our intimacy, without concerns or secret worries. So why was I in any way doubtful?

Coming back home, I forewarned of what was likely to happen when I walk through those doors, my prediction accurate. Animals left uncared for in blistering heat, it was difficult to stay calm. I snapped and spoke harshly to those in my household, while my new lover witnessed the side of me that I had been hiding since our relationship first began. My frustration and the weight that I carry every normal day of my life, and my crumbling beneath it, now fully exposed for him to witness.

He appeared unconcerned and even understanding of my emotions, but secretly I wondered if his feelings had now changed, and if he was taken aback by what he had seen and heard. When he left, the energy felt different. There was no mention of the word "Love", as there had been during our brief escape, and the parting kiss not as passionate. There were no other words of reconnecting or "missing" each other, as there had been at every other parting of ways. Even the evening texting, not as sexually charged as before, but perhaps this was because that side of the relationship had now been addressed.

There was understandably, a lot for both of us to emotionally process. In just four short weeks, our relationship had accelerated at light speed, and our feelings had progressed much deeper into the area of falling in love with each other. I had no more secrets, nothing more to uncover, my life and myself, now fully cracked open and vulnerable. The shield around my heart almost fully gone, but still hanging on in fear of what may come next. Could anyone ever fit into my crazy and often intense life? Could I ever have love again, and if so, was he the one? Logically, one would say yes, and yet I felt a hesitation without rationale. I felt so confused and conflicted, now back in my home environment, I no longer knew what to think or feel.

I sat with all the uncertainty, unable to focus on the tasks now in front of me. The household duties, grocery shopping and food preparation for those who depend on me. The endless "To Do List" that is life, or at least, my life. I drowned myself in tasks, and asked my spirit guides, "What comes next?" and hoped the answers were the ones that I longed for, and not another "life lesson" that I need to endure.

A few days later, we met again, and the longing for each other's company had returned. He now knew where I lived, had spent time with Sebastian, and we even spent a day on a project together with Sebastian. A quest to purchase new baby heritage breed chickens, which we would pick up from the Adelaide Hills, became one of our "dates". Together as a threesome, we built an enclosure for the our new pets to live in, separate from our adult hens, then headed up to the hills for a lovely country style lunch. We purchased food and supplies for our new arrivals, and Sebastian picked out his little babies, before heading home and settling them in. The day flowed so easily and effortlessly, as if this man was already part of our family. How could this be after such a short time together? 

On another occasions, we cooked together, producing healthful food made with care and love, each encounter feeling natural, easy and effortless. It was like watching a Hollywood love story. A fantasy, a fairytale, and surely not how it happens in real life, and yet it was. But there were complications. Not in our relationship or our growing love for each other, but in his housing arrangements, and I began having concerns as each week passed.

I had now opened up my whole world to him, even my workplace, and yet I had not been introduced to any of his family or even seen his home, due to the other people living there, mainly his ex-wife. This made opportunities for intimacy very limited, and I began feeling doubtful and worried once more.

A beachside holiday came next as the school holidays were fast coming to an end. An opportunity to spend quality time alone with Sebastian was called for, before he would start another year at high school. Our familiar beach shack accommodation, provided us with much needed time to breathe and reconnect with each other, but my boy seemed distant once more. We talked, I asked questions, and tried to find answers to his low mood, assuming it must have something to do with this new man who had entered our world. He assured me however, that it had nothing to do with that, but more about him trying to find his place in this world, his purpose, his people, and a meaning to his skills and talents. He also seemed to no longer connect spiritually with his father, and no matter how much evidence I showed him of his presence, he continued to be dismissive.

Twice daily long walks on the beach, sometimes with, and others without conversation followed, as well as a visit from my new love interest. He was keen for our dogs to meet, as he wanted to be able to spend time with me, without ignoring his dog's needs for companionship. I was doubtful that this was going to go well, as my dog, now quite old and often moody, generally preferred her own space. His dog young, bounding with endless energy, large and full of life. I appreciated that we needed to give this a try, so we arranged to meet at the beach that we were holidaying at. To my surprise, the meeting went amazingly well. My grumpy old schnauzer, seemingly following his dog around, even greeting people and other dogs, a personality trait that was NOT her own. Back at the holiday shack, my girl showed this young adolescent who was boss, and he happily allowed her to have this role, despite having the capacity to dominate her in an instant. As the darkness came, the two dogs shared a very small lounge room space, at one stage, laying on the floor, face to face, with only half a metre between them. I could not believe what I was witnessing, as there was no way that this should have worked, and yet, it did.  

It seems everything that should be complicated in this relationship, seems effortless, at least almost everything. One evening, I explained how I was feeling, somewhat concerned about how it would be received. I could not hide my concerns any longer, especially as they had been keeping me awake at night. He appreciated my honesty, and we talked long and deeply about his situation, all while assuring me that this would soon be rectified. 

So I take some deep breaths, trust in what comes next, and try to keep my focus on the here and now. At this moment, I feel loved, even cherished. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, he swoops in and takes the weight away. When I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, he gives me energy and calm. When I feel unworthy, he makes me feel precious and valuable. Never have I felt so content since Mark left this world. Never have I felt so calm and happy, when the pressures of my life are still very much front and centre. On paper, he would not have been someone I would have chosen. He is nothing like Mark, nor does he need to be. Logically, it shouldn't fit, and yet it does. The minute I am in his arms, I soften and feel relaxed. No one has done this to me before, and the feeling is intoxicating for me. I don't like being hard and intense, but felt this was just who I was. But I am now discovering a new side of myself, one that he unknowingly brings out in me, and I like it a lot. 

Post number 82 - Could life finally be changing for the better?

 Many months have passed me by, and the relationship that I thought would bring me bliss, most certainly did not live up to the fairytale. My longing for companionship was so strong, that I ignored all the signs that this man was not for me. Seven years of loneliness over-shadowed being treated with honour and respect, but eventually, the feelings of worthlessness made me walk away. 

I reflected back over the brief encounter, and highlighted to myself, all the things that were wrong, and not my fault, despite it being suggested that they were. Being alone again consumed me, and made me feel unworthy of love. So I threw myself back in to work, just putting one foot in front of the other, as I have been for so many years.

I put on an assistant, in an attempt to offload some of the day to day tasks and phone calls, and while the concept turned out to be a good one, the person I had chosen was not a good enough fit for me. Failure yet again. Was it my fault? Was I asking too much? Perhaps. But I am who I am, and I cannot be anything else. I am blessed to be working in such a supportive and loving workplace, and there are always hugs and a listening ear when I need one, and that helped a great deal. 

At the same time, Sebastian was struggling at school. Not with the workload, but just getting out of bed and being at school everyday. Never before had his moods been so intense, and his inability to get up, so strong. I kept telling myself that it was just 13yo hormones, and that this too would sort itself out. But months went on, and I was unable to supplement him out of this terrible state. He hated school, and everyone in it, and constantly questioned why I had sent him to an agricultural school, as if I had forced this upon him. I felt like I had lost my loving little boy, and was left with a chronically fatigued, angry young man. 

Sebastian was ripping my heart apart, and I had to do something about it. I took him to the doctors office and ordered some blood work. His heavy metal / nutrient scans were good, so I felt there had to be something showing in the bloods. When the results came in, there was some evidence of imbalance, but I felt these imbalances were not extreme enough to cause such behaviour changes. And then it dawned on me, that his bed was positioned against the wall, and on the other side, the electricity meter box! While this had always been the case, in recent months, there had been an "upgrade to the service", which included the installation of a "Smart Meter". 

Electromagnetic Fields (EMF) are a real problem in our modern world, and can cause a lot of health issues, including contributing to the cause of brain cancer. With Sebastian already being quite a sensitive being, the thought of magnifying EMFs with a smart meter, was quite a shocking and alarming concept, and I blamed myself for not thinking of this sooner. I had been searching for my EMF Meter for some time, so this was in my thoughts, but I just couldn't find it.  

One night, while working through my gratitude for the day, I asked my Guardian Angels for help. I asked for some guidance in finding the EMF meter and the next day, I knew exactly where it was. I quickly started testing his room. The device lit up like a Christmas tree, no matter where I stood in his room. The most alarming was the high levels when I sat the device on his pillow! 

For the next two weeks, I slept on the couch, while Sebastian slept in my bed, and slowly, my beautiful young man came back to me. This also happened to coincide with the end of the school year, but to see him smile again warmed my heart, and put me at ease. We moved his bed away from the wall, no easy feat due to the built in nature of his furniture, but we made it work. I also purchased a grounding sheet for his bed and a grounding mat for his computer desk, and he moved back into his own room. 

At the same time as all of this was occurring, my colleagues at work continually encouraged me to try Online Dating, which I strongly apposed. For many weeks, they told me stories of success and told me to "get with the times" if I ever wanted to find love. Eventually I succumbed, and created profiles with two well known dating sites. At first this seemed exciting, reading profiles and sending messages, but after only few weeks, I found it soul destroying. I rarely had anyone interested in me, and when I did have interest, it was from low socioeconomic, uneducated men, often who were much older than me. 

Again I felt worthless, unattractive and unworthy of the human experience of love. I cancelled both subscriptions, but their contractual nature, meant that the payments would continue for several more months, so the profiles remained. I changed the wording, the photos and added more information, but still the results were the same, until one day, after nearly three months, something happened.

I received a message from a man, and I answered it as I normally would. Messages went back and forth for several hours, and then the invitation to meet. I agreed, as I had only actually met in person, one other man, and I felt that it was impossible to get to know someone purely by messaging. I had no expectations, was not nervous, and showed up as my authentic self. I arrived at the meeting place, and could not see him. I sat outside the seaside cafe, looking out to the sea, and wondered if this was yet another disappointment, or as my Angels would say, "another life lesson". "Please", I begged them, no more lessons. I have had enough, and my heart just can't take it. 

I waited ten agonizingly long minutes, before he arrived, all flustered and apologetic. I smiled and he bought me coffee. We chatted for hours and finally I had to leave, as I had a client to see that afternoon. We kissed a brief and friendly kiss, and there was a hug that was warm and squishy. Another kiss, another hug and finally we parted ways. 

I was taken aback, as I had not expected to actually form a connection with this man. A few days later, and we met again, going for a long walk along the beach with his dog. I was amazed at how many people stopped and talked to him, almost drawn to him, as I was drawn to him. We chatted and laughed and the conversation was very different to other men that I had chatted with. The conversation was much deeper and meaningful, and not about superficial things such as likes and dislikes. The meeting ended with a more passionate kiss and an even warmer hug, and I left wondering, "Could this be something?"  

Catch up dates continued, mostly at the beach, and text messages flying backwards and forwards constantly. Even after five long encounters, there is still so much I don't know about him. Sure I know about his work and his family, but I often think about asking him other questions, but when I see him and I am in his arms, thoughts just float away, and I embrace the "here and now", enjoying the moment of this lovely caring man, and how much he seems to want to be in my presence. The kissing became much more passionate, and the physical touch intoxicating. Any more physical touch and we would be arrested for misconduct in public!

But it's all very new and he hasn't met Sebastian yet, nor have I given him my address. He is after all, a perfect stranger. While I am excited for this potential new romance, I feel more in control of my feelings this time, and I am not all heady and giddy as I was before. My brief previous relationship taught me to relax into the moment, and feel what is real, and to look for the red flags. So far, I can't feel anything that doesn't feel right. I keep looking for them, thinking, "this can't be real", so I remain level headed, not giving too much of myself away, and protecting my fragile heart as much as I can. He knows my history. He knows my heart is wounded, and yet I feel safe in his arms. 

I also have big plans for my business next year, so I have other things to focus my attention on.  This helps me to not spend all my energy on one thing, and become so infatuated, obsessed and invested, that I burn it out. One day at a time, moving gently and carefully, and watching if all the little ducks decide to line themselves up. This is how I will proceed now, and as the end of the year draws to a close, I look forward to the new adventures that may be just around the corner, and I tell myself, "You are worthy of Love". 

Post Number 81 – Is there room for more?

Months on, and I became much more settled in my new clinic room and surroundings, as I found a much better balance between working at home and working in the clinic. At times, the clinic would become very busy and quite loud, making it difficult to focus on complex cases. I relished the opportunities to work from my warm lounge room, the gas fire burning, while the rain fell outside. I could work in my comfy clothes and slippers, and create the reports for my most multifaceted cases. My happiness continued, as the business started to turn a profit for the first time since beginning this crazy journey, and finally I felt things were falling in to place.

So too was my personal life, as an evening around the fire-pit with a friend, took a new conversational direction. We had been seeing each other for the past six months, and had formed a great friendship. He too was widowed many years ago, and lived alone with his dog. We had been on walks together many times, dinner, coffee and the movies, and it always felt nice to have some great conversation and companionship, and sometimes I wondered, would there be room for more? I often dismissed thoughts of more, as my life was just so busy, my work so intense, and my mood swings hard to manage at times.

My work took me to having discussions with a client, who was feeling very conflicted and at a cross roads with life. I offered her a session of my energetic transfer treatment, that I had learnt many months ago. I hadn’t practiced this service for at least six months, and I wondered if I could even remember how to do it. But the client insisted, as she was familiar with the practice, and knew how beneficial and life changing it could be.

I completed the relaxing service in her home, and I left her an hour later, in a calm and happy state. I followed up with her the next week to see how she was, and she told me just how many decisions she had made and was still working on since receiving the treatment, and how much calmer and in control she felt. I too had a shift and clearing in my mind, and this led to the night around the fire-pit. It hadn’t occurred to me, that the energy treatment had actually had an effect on me also. It cleared all my limiting beliefs, my fears and worries, just as it had for the client, and it gave me the courage to ask my friend if he thought there could be more to our relationship than just a friendship. 

We talked it through and agreed that there was indeed room for more, but at the same time, neither of us wanted to disrupt the life or plans of the other. He understood the importance of my work, and I understood and valued his interests, goals and aspirations. The night ended with the warmest of embraces, that simply melted the icy wall that had been around my heart for seven long years. I felt lightheaded and after that night, I started feeling things that I had not felt for an extremely long time. I continued to talk to Mark, asking if this was right. The feelings overwhelming me and clouding my mind constantly. All I could think about was when I would next see him again, what he really thought about me, and what would happen next. My head was giddy all the time, and I found it hard to concentrate or focus on my work.

The feelings were wonderful, yet overwhelming and distracting at the same time. I loved the feeling of losing control and letting go, yet I hated it at the same time. I had seriously sick patients and responsibilities, and I needed to focus. As the weeks flew by, we took every opportunity to meet and spend time together, and it was truly blissful. I wanted to give up on everything and just remain in this state of total bliss, but my work and the realities of life, kept calling me back.

A few weeks later, I booked my favourite Bed and Breakfast near the beach for two nights. I had been asked by the College that trained me, if I would attend the next student Graduation, as an inspirational guest speaker for the new graduates. I felt honoured to be asked, but also extremely nervous to have such a significant responsibility. With my head constantly in the clouds, I felt a few nights away near the beach would give me the opportunity to breathe some fresh sea air, and write the speech that I was expected to write. Of course the temptation to spend more time with this man, who had turned me into a school girl crush teenager, was just too great, and he joined me for duration of my little getaway.

Our time together was yet another opportunity to get to know each other better, laugh, drink lovely wine and eat my delicious and healthful food. Despite all the wonderful distractions, the speech was written, and I practiced reading it out aloud, the requirement being15 minutes, that incorporated certain aspects of the crowd in attendance, and the college that had taught me all I knew about nutrition. I’d written three typed pages, and as usual, I thought it to be too long. To my surprise however, it was way too short! Imagine me, not having enough words to say…. highly unlikely, and yet, it was so!

The time away ended all too soon, so did the firewood that warmed our humble little abode, so we packed up and headed off in our own directions. For me, it was straight to work, to see a new client, not even having time to go home and unpack. Thankfully, Sebastian was becoming more and more grown up and independent, and I knew I could leave him to look after himself and the animals, as well as get himself off to Robotics Club. Not that he was completely home alone of course, and I had left him plenty of food and resources.

A week on, and I found myself feeling a little lost. My birthday presented itself again, as it seems to do every twelve months, and I was left trying to organise dinners and catch ups, when all I wanted to do, was retreat back to my little shack by the sea. At work, I received a phone call that knocked me off my chair. A friend / neighbour / client, rung me and started yelling at me, accusing me of doing things I had not done. My energy turned angry as I strongly denied what I was being accused of. I was told I was bossy and controlling, and that I had organised things without her consent or knowledge, all of which was absolutely not true. One of girls from the clinic, quickly closed my door, as I tried to defend myself from what was coming down the line. I was deeply hurt by this conversation, as all I had ever done for this lady, was try to help her and sort out things that had been troubling her for many months.

Days later, I was spoken to by the clinic owner, about keeping my voice down, and about complaints from clients, about the tone and volume of my voice, during their time at the clinic. I was horrified yet understood what was being said. Despite the content of the conversation, it was discussed with love and respect, and I appreciated this very much, as the discussion ended with a hug. Once again, my initial reaction was to doubt myself, hate myself, and want to give it all up. Of course, I ran straight towards the warm arms that had been comforting me of late, and while the embrace was warm, there was a slight chill surrounding it. Had I worn out this relationship as well?

I headed home, feeling all kinds of things. Was this the reason I had been sent packing from my first clinic location? Was I potentially ruining the chance of finding love once more? Most likely, yes to both. I was lucky enough to be able to complete another energy exchange session for another troubled client, and I also took the opportunity to work on myself as well. Through the energetic process, I let go of limiting beliefs, and became grateful that I had been given this honesty and opportunity to do better. I woke the next day, feeling much clearer in the mind, and while I walked the dog in the cold chill of the morning, I told myself that I need not feel all the fear and insecurity I was feeling. It was safe for me to let go, be me, and yet still respect those around me. I approached my work with focus and clarity, and headed up to the clinic, softer, gentler and with purpose.

Everyday is an opportunity to learn. We can chose to hate ourselves and give up, or be grateful for constructive feedback, that helps us to do better and be better. Today, I choose to be better. Today, I choose to be calmer. Today, I choose to trust in the forces that are greater than I. Today, I let go of fear and judgement, and let the energy force of life flow through me. I know when I do this, life becomes effortless. Life becomes freeing and with that, the stress response turns off, and I can just enjoy the moment as it is. It’s truly the most wonderful way to be, but one that I often find hard to achieve, but when I do, the joys of life simply unfolds in front of me, and I can walk forward in a state of bliss.

Post number 80 - A New Location and a Better Fit

Three months on and my business related prayers were answered. The colonics clinic that I had been attending since November, agreed that my services as a Nutritionist would be very valuable to their cliental, making a very complementary business fit indeed. In less than 3 weeks, I had moved into a beautiful clinic space, complete with air-conditioning and a clean hard floor. My room was in front and to the side of the clinic waiting room, and I was welcomed with open arms, literally open arms. After years of social distancing and non-touch communication, the opportunity to hug another was so very welcomed. 

I couldn't believe how lucky I was, to have been allowed to move into this space, but more importantly than the space, was the people within it, and the healing therapies they practiced. By this stage, I had already referred more than 10 clients to their business, and the results were mind blowing, especially for the cancer patients. The more time I spent at the clinic, the more gut health became front and centre of treatment protocols. Not only that, but those who had regular colonic sessions, scanned much lower for heavy metal toxicity, than those who did not embark on this therapeutic practice. 

Referrals were happening in both directions, hugs and emotional support was seemingly "on tap", and the clients starting booking in at numbers I could hardly keep up with. I was, understandably, euphoric.  The energy within the building kept drawing me in, and the potential to purchase the colonics business had also been mentioned. So I jumped all in, pushed in all my chips, and started working within the colonics business. Every day I attended the clinic, and as I was the first to arrive, I ensured the clinic rooms were stocked and the reception desk ready to start the busy day. I then started my business day. For months I worked this way, sometimes six days a week, for full days. I was warned to slow down and not do so much, but I wasn't having any of it. "I love it" I kept saying. "This is what I was meant to do". "I'm fine, I couldn't be happier", I repeated over and over, to anyone who dared question me.

A few months later, I was asked if I could help to promote an "Open Day" at the clinic, and of course, I jumped right on in. Personally, I couldn't see why people would want to come, as the weather had turned cold and it was the weekend of Mother's Day. But I completed the task I was assigned. Many Facebook posts, emails and promotions took time out of my now very busy days. On top of that, the date of the event was on a day that Seb and I would usually be at the school market, educating the public about the importance of worms, and selling our worm products. Stressed and concerned for the day, I asked Seb if he would forgo his beloved Robotics club for one week, so he could assist me at the clinic event. Of course he agreed without complaint, but I knew he wanted to be elsewhere.

When the day arrived, I baked and prepared, before setting up our display. The weather was not on our side, with grey skies, chilling winds and the constant threat of rain. This day, to put it simply, went to "Hell in a Hand Basket". No one came, therapists were locked in their clinic rooms, and Seb spent most of the time folding bits of paper into cranes, love hearts and various other origami creations at my desk, while I paced up and down. To say I was guttered, was an understatement, and I hit absolute rock bottom once more, the euphoria well and truly flushed down the preverbal toilet. 

I was embarrassed, ashamed, upset and angry at everything and everyone. To top off the day, I was told that the colonics business would not be up for sale, which I was relieved about really, as I actually didn't want to take on another business, when I was still trying to establish my own. But this changed everything, and I began to withdraw, and I scheduled more days off, and spent more days working from home. Reality had well and truly smacked me across the face, and I woke up from what seemed like, the most amazing dream I had ever had. 

A few weeks later and Seb had a scheduled student free day, so I took the opportunity to spend the day with him. I had been missing him dearly, and he had adjusted well to High School life, with assignments, new friends, online gaming and homework. While we still played video games together a few times a week, and cuddled on the couch, he was clearly growing up, finding himself and spending more time with his new friends. His independence was wonderful yet terrible all at the same time, as if he didn't need me anymore. But it was great that he didn't need me as much, as it gave me some much needed freedoms with my business, and yet, it was sad that he didn't need me so much. The emotions super conflicting, that's for sure.

That afternoon, he started to feel a little tired and a sore throat developed. I jumped into "Mum mode" and started our standard cold/flu protocol. But by the next day, he really was sick and I pulled out the COVID test kits to confirm the positive result. Oh dear. The day before we had spent the whole day together and much cuddling and gaming on a small couch had occurred. Two days later, and I too tested positive. Both of us were sick for around 48 hours, and I was hit harder, with symptoms of constant nausea and vomiting. I couldn't keep any food down and even struggled with water. A terrible 24 hours for me indeed. 

I worried for Mum, as she would often walk through the lounge room on the way to the kitchen, and didn't seem alarmed by our test results or our illness. Luckily though, her living space is quite separate from ours, and she managed to dodge the COVID bullet, much to our relief. 

This time at home, away from the clinic, as well as the sickness, stirred my emotional pot beyond recognition. The vulnerability felt overwhelming, and the loneliness was front and centre. I felt angry, sad, hurt, vulnerable and depressed. I wanted to give up on the business, on life and on the future. But clients kept contacting me, and new clients continued enquiring and booking in. This was after all, what I had wanted for the business, and I had no choice but to keep going. When I returned to the clinic, everything felt different. In just one week, there had been many changes, with two new staff, new therapeutic offerings, a reception presence on several busy days, and a new trainee. I returned with a different perspective, and started attending the clinic only when I needed to. I no longer spent half an hour or more stocking clinic rooms, but focused on my clients and my business. 

One day a young new client entered my rooms and told me her health story. She was a perfectly healthy young woman, around the age of 30, newly married and in love, working, enjoying sport and thinking about starting a family. Until one day she woke up, and couldn't get out of bed. A wave of a type of chronic fatigue washed over her, her condition so bad, she could not walk, bath or even feed herself. Bounced between doctors and specialists, and tests galore, no one had answers for her. Eventually, her body started to regain its strength, seemingly on its own. The only medical intervention was extreme pain medication, but nothing else. No anti-biotics, no anti-virals, nothing. For nearly 12 months, she battled with her body, eventually regaining enough strength to walk again, and was able to return to work. However, as her body had not returned to its prior strength, she often needed the aid of a walking stick nearing the end of her eight hour shift. This was unacceptable for her employer, and in a cruel twist, she was fired from her job. 

She sat on my couch, in tears, telling me this story. This beautiful young blond, with her whole life ahead of her. In that moment, I knew I had to stop my little pity party, and get on with finding the answers to her illness. Her Heavy Metal and Nutrient scan showed a relatively healthy individual, however, her blood work and digestive symptoms provided the answers she had been seeking.  With a little more investigative work, reviewing line by line of her pathology, I found the underlying problems, relating to an infection, of some kind, some hormonal imbalances, and the biggest folate deficiency I had ever seen. The more I uncovered, the more health concerns she disclosed, and soon I could map out the whole clinical picture. 

On her second visit to the clinic, I explained my discoveries and we both found ourselves in tears. She had returned back to her doctor to ask for a fresh set of blood work, as the data I was working with was over a year old. Her doctor, who she had really liked and respected, simply rolled her eyes, and said, "You don't need these, you are fine"! So apparently, losing your job because you don't have the strength to stand all day, is medically defined as "fine", and asking for new pathology twelve months later, is deemed as unnecessary blood testing by our health system.

This lit my fire once more, however, it also makes me so angry. It seems everyone who comes into my clinic room has a similar story of heart break, dismissal for their symptoms, or even harm caused by the medical system. One of the biggest cases of harm recently encountered, was having a chemo treatment for breast cancer, with a side effect of liver cancer two years later, in an otherwise healthy individual. So many patients tossed aside or given even more radical, harmful treatments, with the promise of a few more extra months of life. How is this a way to live and how is this acceptable medicine? If I show anyone from the medical system, how I analyze data and save lives, they simply laugh it off. What would I know? I'm just a alternative practitioner that tells people how to eat. 

I find myself constantly saddened by these stories, and by fighting the medical system. People are so invested in this system, they cannot see the harm it is doing to them. Women in their 50s and 60s given calcium tablets for poor bone health, some also with vitamin D, but their vit D levels are never checked, and they have big mineral imbalances and high blood pressure from the calcium build ups, and just given more medications to manage the blood pressure. Total madness everywhere I look.

My challenge now is to find a way to practice my craft, without taking on the emotion from the client. A way to protect myself, stay clear headed and ensure my clients continue to thrive. I know the word is spreading, and people are starting to become more and more aware. As to how many people have to die before this happens, is anyone's guess, and again, I can't take this on single handed. So I focus my attention on the people in front of me, and look for opportunities to mentor other practitioners, or do more public speaking events, to spread the word that people have the right to take charge of their own health. 

At a recent public speaking event, I gave a talk on how to "read and understand food labels", and how to look past clever marketing tactics. Most of the attendees where over the age of 50 and I was inundated with questions around cardiovascular health, blood pressure, bone health and medications, despite the subject matter being food labelling. The demand for people wanting to learn more about the health of their body, does seem to be growing, and this gives me hope, as that is exactly my goal. I don't want my clients to become dependent on me, but to arm themselves with the knowledge on how their body's work, demand the testing that they are entitled to, and have a better understanding on what their medications are for, and how they can best influence their health by eating the right way. 

So I dig deep yet again. Pull up those big girl pants, take a deep breath, refocus, and get on with the job. I think about the successes I have had. The cancer patients, the elderly with cognitive decline, the younger folk with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, and all the other conditions that doctors have little to no answers for. I know I have made a huge difference to people's lives and my clients are not just living, but actually thriving. Even when they go back to their doctors or oncologists and tell them what they are doing, it is just dismissed as being "good luck". I know my work is important. I know I must continue. I know its lonely work, but I must collect myself and maybe, one day, there will be some acceptance in my work, my knowledge, my training and our skills recognized and form part of the Allied Health System, and not labelled as "alternative". The work I do is far from alternative. I simply identify the imbalances, using standard blood testing and correct them. I identify the heavy metals that cause the imbalances and correct them too. In Europe, the device I use is commonly used and recognized as a valued diagnostic tool, and there is nothing alternative about that. 

Post Number 79 – 2022 - A New Hope

Christmas came and went without any fan-fare. Decorations were put up merely as a procedure, and to try to invoke some happy seasonal vibes. But for me, it was difficult to find the festive spirit, as it has never come natural to me. With Sebastian older and wiser, and my own sadness around this time of year, putting up decorations became just another thing on my massive “To-Do” list.

Another blow to the mood came when three of my closest friends advised me that they would not be able to spend any time with us over the Summer break, as we were labelled as high-risk due to our personal choices for our health. As this news sunk in, the hurt, the anger and frustration overwhelmed me. My anger at this pandemic and how it is being managed world-wide, the frustration that nothing seems to be improving, no matter how much the general public comply to the demands of the government, and the hurt that we were being treated as if we were the ones spreading the virus. It doesn’t seem to matter how much the statistics show that there are more hospitalisations of vaccinated people, than unvaccinated people, the strong message from the authorities remain, comply or be at “serious risk of harming others”.

This created yet another wave of depression for me, as the feelings of helplessness came back. Not even a colonic could help me with this situation. Life continued on as best it could, and as a small family unit of three, we enjoyed our usual festive meals, albeit without the annual trip to church on Christmas Eve. My time off from clinic work was also delayed, as I received a phone call from a new brain cancer patient who was seeking my services. As her diagnosis was stage 4, I knew I had to see her immediately, so that I could set her on the right path leading in to the festive weeks ahead. So I agreed to see her the day before Christmas Eve, and she was extremely grateful. I too was grateful, as again my hypothesis aligned with this patient, and my purpose in my work regained some much needed strength.

Through the holiday weeks ahead, Sebastian and I worked tirelessly in the garden on outstanding jobs. While I know Sebastian didn’t exactly enjoy these projects, they were necessary, and having his help made the unachievable, achievable. Improving garden irrigation systems, meant I would not need to spend hours watering by hand throughout the summer months, and old garden beds were given a fix-up and improvement, to allow them to retain water better, and allow more food to be grown. The garden had never looked better, greener and more inviting, and soon I found myself wanting to host BBQs again, something I had not done for several years, and we enjoyed the company of new friends and new experiences.

I also made a new male friend, and enjoyed long walks along beach esplanades, dinner and coffee catch ups. He is someone who I can be myself with, and I enjoy his conversation as we get to know each other better. It came at a time that I most needed adult connection, when I had been rejected by people who I thought would always be there for me. While the definition of this friendship is still unknown, I personally do not need to define it. Too often people come into my life, and then leave again, so I no longer have expectations. But I do enjoy opportunities to go out and laugh, and enjoy life again, in an attempt to find pleasure in my life, that is not focussed on being of service to others.

I also received a phone call from a Pharmacy, located in a prestige suburb, asking if I would be interested in a three-day promotion of nutraceutical sales. This was an opportunity to earn some much-needed money and I was keen for the experience. The possible opportunity for regular work was also floated as an idea, assuming the promotion days went well. This also excited me, as my business “profit & loss statement” certainly needed some propping up.

So 2022 is so far, shaping itself up for some potential successes. New income opportunities, new connections and new experiences for Sebastian as he starts his journey through High School. Robotics Club remains a permanent part of our lives, and also provides some grounding for life and our purposes. Sebastian continues to blow my mind with his abilities and the way his mind is wired. He sees things so differently than other kids or even adults. He finds value in broken appliances, and continues to enjoy pulling broken things (and sometimes not broken things) apart to see how they work and if they can be fixed. His main challenges remain in creating strong friendships with likeminded boys, but unfortunately, they are difficult to find, as most boys his age like to play sport or do things outdoors. At times, I know this troubles him, as he too, wants to find connections with people, on a level that he can be himself, be heard, be understood, and be valued for who he is. Whether he finds this at high school is hard to say, but either way, I am confident he will excel at his studies, especially in a school that values individuality and special talents.

For me, I continue to be grateful for the opportunities that come my way, and always work towards being open to receive and not over-think things too much. I’m often asked if I think I will find love again or what my future holds, or how I will feel about Seb growing up and having a life of his own. I find these questions absurd, and it seems I too, see the world differently and live within it with a different mind-set. As my health steadily improves, my head becomes clearer, and I fully commit myself to living in the present as much as possible. This doesn’t mean I don’t have dreams, of course I do. But since Mark’s passing, I feel like I am just a puppet on a string, living a life that has been laid down for me already. Mark continues to make his presence felt, and all I need to do is ask him for help or guidance, and it is provided. I believe that everything I need will come at the time that it is meant to, and that every health challenge I have is a gift. This gift provides me with insight and deeper understanding, so that I may use this to support others. It’s the “Fit your own mask first, before helping others” scenario. I know that even my way of thinking about supporting health problems is different to my peers, as I am now part of a small circle of female natural health practitioners, that meet up every six weeks. I listen to their stories and their treatment methods, and I know my approaches are quite different. I am not saying that their methods are wrong and mine are right, but simply, that they are different, when we all had the same University training. But their experiences have shaped their practices, as mine have shaped my views on toxicity, the way our food is produced, and how this impacts our health.

As for the future, well that remains a secret to me. I am not about to run to a clairvoyant to ask my fate. Maybe it has been already created for me, or maybe “there is no fate, but the one we make”, if I quote a well-known movie series from the 80s. I have no interest in worrying about what Sebastian will do in five or ten years time, but will continue to support and guide him in the present moment, knowing too, that he will ask his father for help when he needs it. We sometimes talk about future girlfriends, and how he will make such a perfect husband with all his skills and his caring nature. He washes dishes without being asked, empties the dishwasher and puts out the bins. The animals are his responsibility, and he takes a weight off my shoulders with keeping the house running. Of course, he is not perfect. He is a teenager, and we are not short of our disagreements. But always, there are hugs, endless love, apologies and forgiveness where needed, as well as the occasional “Mummy knows best” lines, that I light-heartedly throw in when I can. J