Post Number 62 - The Holidays Are Over

I can't believe I start back at College tomorrow after 3 wonderful months of freedom from books, research papers, assignments and exams.  I have never had such a long break from study but I am so glad that I had this opportunity, as I have never needed it more.

Sebastian started school four weeks ago and has settled in to his new routines, however, after such an amazing year last year, with a young dynamic teacher, the road hasn't been totally smooth.  I have also been struggling with his new teachers and their methods and have already had a few strong words to say about it.

That said, Sebastian takes it all in his stride, with grace and maturity, just as I knew he would.  He starts playing a school sport (basketball) for the first time this year, which is also exciting and a new beginning for him.

Meanwhile, I have been continuing with my long "To Do" list at home.  It seems I cross one item off the list and add two more!  Some days I wonder how long I can keep this up for, and other days I just "get on with it".  One of my biggest achievements was the conversion of Sebastian's old cubby house into a chicken coop.  Constructing new doors, making a perch and installing a shelf and creating two nesting boxes, just part of the fun.  The best part was being able to reuse old bits and pieces for a truly zero cost project.  Even the paint was left over from other projects.  I became quite obsessed with it and loved the opportunity to actually build something practical.  The fact that I did most of it by myself, also very satisfying and left me asking questions like, "Would I have done this if Mark was still here?  Probably not", "Would he have agreed to this project? Possibly not" yet it all went so smoothly, I can't help but believe there was some "divine intervention". 
 



Another project close to my heart, and my stomach, is our ever evolving vegetable garden.  For years we have built, rebuilt and worked on trying to grow our own food, with very little success.  Whether it be soil quality, not enough sun, too much sun, dogs, cats, rats or possums, there has always been something stopping us reaping an abundance of freshly grown food. This year I came really close to my dream of abundance, only to have it ruined practically overnight by rats.  The netting that I had installed at the beginning of the season, simply chewed through.  Determined to succeed, I began designing and buying materials to completely close in the garden, like a big cage.  It's been ten years since we started trying to grow food, so I can't give up now.  With some assistance from family visitors from Mt Gambier, we made the appropriate upgrades and began the caging in process.  While it's not yet finished, I'm confident that this will work.  IT HAS TO WORK!!!

Another project that I had been putting off, was changing computers.  Mark's computer, a Microsoft Surface Pro, just collecting dust, while I continued to use his old hand-me-down.  I made the decision that it was time to utilise this amazing piece of technology that will allow me to take a full blown laptop into college, while also being light weight and useable as a tablet.  This also meant bringing in all the equipment from his old office into my office and completely changing how I work-with the end-goal being a big improvement to my working conditions.

I'm proud to say, I completed this in much less time that anticipated and without any external assistance.  With such a complex network setup and user profile setup, the risk of things not working correctly on the new machine quite high, but again, with some more divine intervention, most things worked themselves out rather quickly and my stress levels were kept at manageable levels.

So with all these success stories, why do I feel so down on the world?  Is the grief really taking hold now? I try to make my life fun and yet I just feel numb.  My tolerance levels are at an all-time low. Whether it be teachers, other drivers on the road, retail assistants or general public in the supermarket, I just want to tell the world to "bugger off".  My weight continues to grow no matter how much I watch what I eat.  I began exercising, only to slump back into feeling too flat to get out of bed early enough.  I try to remain optimistic as I continue to work with my practitioner, but it is so soul destroying every time I step on the scales.  This adds to my bad moods and short fuse as well as the hot weather and the anxiety of starting back at College, knowing I have at least one really difficult subject to get through.  I try to give myself positive encouragement and pat myself on the back when I achieve things and realise that this is my life now.  I have to do this all myself.  I can't show off what I have done or even talk to anyone about it as people genuinely either don't understand or just have their own things happening in their lives and are not really that interested.  I'm not meaning to sound bitter, but it's true.  While people might want to know general things like "how are you going", they don't really want to know when you might be struggling or sad or just want someone to show what you have achieved. If you say anything other than, "not bad thanks" or "ok, how about you?" they freak out!

Sometimes I worry about my close relationship with Sebastian.  While I try hard to not involve him in adult problems or conversations, he is there.  He listens, he understands me and he is my best friend.  I know that sounds wrong, but who else really cares that much? I ask him each day, how his day was at school and he generally asks me how my day was.  Too often, I hear myself say, "it was ok, nothing exciting, quite boring actually". Am I really being a good role model?  In many ways, yes I am, but there is always doubt that is ready to creep in when I feel myself being so negative.

For now, I will drink my herbs and take a deep breath; gather my books and hit the classroom and hope for great lecturers, a clear head and a focussed mind as I put one foot in front of the other, and continue to take one day at a time.

Post Number 61 – Summer Holidays

Christmas seemed to come and go in a flash and quite honestly, I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  I grew more and more depressed about Christmas and did the bare necessities to get through it for Sebastian’s sake.  The tree was erected and a new front door decoration was made, but all other decorations stayed in the boxes.  As Christmas drew near, it seemed clear that either no one goes to the effort of sending Christmas cards anymore, or no one cared to send us one.  It has been a tradition in our household for many years to write cards to all our family and friends and include a little letter which summed up our year.  Often Mark would write the letter and I continued the tradition over the last few years.  Our lounge room would be a mass of cards and many would express how they loved receiving our card and letter each year.  But this year the room remained absent of cards, with the exception of those brought home by Sebastian.  He sat and wrote out 17 cards for all his school friends, but still I could not summon the energy or Christmas spirit to continue our tradition. 

The depression grew deeper as my body continued to gain weight.  I couldn’t get out of bed and my body was in constant pain from every muscle and joint.  I felt constantly tired, alone and unloved and wondered if anyone would notice (except Sebastian) if I just slipped away.  I tried to push through it by painting my kitchen and continue with my huge list of things to do before Christmas, but eventually, I just couldn’t go on.  I contacted my now ex-lecturer.  It was due to him that I continued with my studies.  I loved his lectures so much and he always told amazing stories of sickness and healing.  I had already referred many people to him as I knew he could help them and he wouldn’t charge them the earth as so many practitioners do.  He was also seeing my Mum as her shingles still hadn’t resolved after more than twelve months.  He explained to me what my body was doing and what we needed to do to help it to heal.  Stress creates hormones which signal the body to hold weight.  Muscles tighten, heart races and the body eventually becomes exhausted and depression sets in.  Welcome to grief!!

With only days before Christmas, I had a sudden burst of Christmas spirit and I decided I really wanted to continue our tradition.  I wrote the letter, reviewed our last card list and removed many people from the list and yet, added many new names.  It was depressing to see that all of Mark’s friends have never contacted me since his passing, never invited us to a BBQ, never offered to take Sebastian on an outing and never asked if I was okay.  I always felt that his friends had not accepted me and I guess I am not surprised that I have been excluded from their lives. 

Being a member of a young widows support group has been my saviour on so many levels and I know this situation is all too common.  Why is that? Why are “we” now so difficult and uncomfortable to be around?  My whole life I have felt that I “don’t fit in”.  Although born in Australia, my heritage is German.  My entire family lives in Germany, except of course, my mother.  My father died when I was two and I know very little about him or his family.  So I never really felt that I belonged in Australia.  I feel comfortable in Germany, yet, I don’t belong there either.  I was raised in the city, yet I feel comfortable in the country!  In most social groups, I always felt awkward and unable to say the right things as I am not generally one to follow the status quo.  I don’t like football or cricket, so immediately, I am unable to join in many conversations about sport. 

I have many flaws and Mark knew them all and yet, he loved me anyway.  He knew me better than I knew myself and yet, his love for me never faulted.  Never had I felt such unconditional love, the ability to just be myself and know that I would not be judged for it.  That feeling is priceless and what I miss the most.  Often I wonder if I have said the wrong thing or forgotten something important to someone or somehow reacted inappropriately.  I believe all humans need to feel a part of something, to be needed and to be loved and accepted for who they are.  Pretending to be someone you are not only brings heartbreak and false happiness.

Since becoming a widow I have found some comfort and a place of belonging in several places.  Firstly, at college.  I feel I can openly talk about food in our society, chemicals in our food, air and water environment and medical practices, without being judged, ridiculed or labelled as extreme.  Our studies all involve examining scientific research and we all learn the mechanisms of body systems, the biology and chemistry around how our bodies react to these factors.

Secondly, within the grief group. Another place where I seem to be accepted and embraced for who I am and I can openly express how I feel and instantly be understood as others share similar experiences.   I continue to form friendships and feel relaxed most of the time.  Through members of this group I have found opportunities to laugh, cry and have fun on a social level, something that I don’t seem to find anywhere else. 

Lastly, oddly enough, in Mt Gambier.  After years of not understanding the Thompsons and them not understanding me, I feel that on some level, we seemed to have met in the middle.  Mark’s passing seemed to have brought us all together, with Sebastian being the main focus.  We have just returned from seven days away in the Limestone coast and neither of us wanted to leave.

Mark’s father and brother took Sebastian on many adventures and taught him some new skills including fishing at the river, riding a quad bike, mowing the lawns with a ride-on mower and taking him to the speedway.  We also looked at museums, caves, the Blue Lake pumping station and swam in the Millicent swimming lake.  We managed to survive getting lost in the bush / pine forest region while attempting what should have been an easy and exciting butterfly walk.  Indeed our time away was exciting, fun and rich. It was one of our best times away and as I hugged my father-in-law goodbye and drove out of his driveway in the old girl, the tears flowed.  The holiday was over and my gratitude to this family indescribable.  We had stayed with an auntie and uncle in Pt MacDonnell, and we often cooked meals to reduce the cost of our time away. Daily “Happy Hour” would bring opportunities to talk about our adventures over a glass of wine, often resulting in lots of fun and laughter.  We felt so happy and welcomed there, like we belong, and as we left the main streets and entered the highway to home, Sebastian’s tears flowed.  No words were spoken and we simply handed each other tissues while continuing our journey home.

We now have one more week of time together before school starts for him again and we have enjoyed every moment of our time together.  It often saddens me when I heard parents say that they can’t wait for school to go back. I know the relationship I have with Sebastian is different to most parent and child relationships, but it’s still uncomfortable to hear.  We genuinely enjoy each other’s company and we find balance in our days.  I’m sure the tears will once again flow when the time comes to take him to school once again, in a new classroom with a new teacher.  But until then, we will enjoy our last days together, continuing our adventures and fun in the sun.

Post Number 60 - Turning 90

It's been a few weeks since the "lost car" incident and I have spent the last weeks studying for exams.  The weekend in Mt Gambier proved to be a welcome relief and I spent time with lovely members of Mark's family who I wouldn't usually see.  It was wonderful for Sebastian to also get to know some auntie's and uncles and again concrete his awareness that his family is bigger than he realises.

The weekend was a great success and driving the "old girl" was also a real treat.  But the drive home seemed long and tiresome, much longer than usual.  Almost like I was alone driving this car and no longer had the assistance from Mark.  Lately I have struggled to feel his presence and I wonder if he is still with us.  Sebastian has also been having troubles sleeping and didn't seem his normal self.  He asked me to arrange a Reiki healing which I promptly did, and the results from this session seem to be that he is going through a stage of "letting go".  This seemed to be consistent with his behaviour patterns and it was good to see him feel better again, the heavy load in his head released.  I also had a session to release some of the stresses of past weeks and allow my body to relax and hormone levels to equalise.

That night both of us slept a deep and restful sleep, again reminding us of the importance of listening to our bodies and attending to our emotions as the needs arise.

Once home again, it was time to seriously organise my Mum's 90th Birthday.  She was not going to have any part in any kind of celebration.  I couldn't invite this person or that person.  This venue was not suitable nor was that one. Everything was too expensive and not worth it as we had bills to pay and Christmas is just around the corner.  It was excuse after excuse, argument after argument and it was truly exhausting but eventually a venue was agreed upon. Then I made an appointment to attend a local hairdresser for a simple cut and blow-wave. Considering she hadn't seen a proper hairdresser in years, I felt it was about time.  Again, day after day, excuse after excuse, until at last, I took her to the appointment and stayed to ensure she had a style that she was happy with.

So yesterday was the big day for her party and it was pleasing to see, that in the final week leading up to the party, she had decided to embrace it and starting inviting people from all over. From a function of barely having ten people, we now had the potential of twenty people turning up.  In a panic, I added extra catering, organised a cake and hoped for the best.


And as it turned out, it was a lovely, heartfelt afternoon with fancy
homemade finger food and some lovely people who were truly happy to see her and spend the afternoon with her.  She fussed around at first, but then settled in to enjoy the afternoon, showing photos and telling stories, playing piano and telling German folk-tales.  Sebastian was also a star attraction.  His youth, good manners and beautiful piano playing, made him the second centre of attention. He also seemed to enjoy performing piano and when the time came, he played Happy Birthday nice and loudly and perfectly and everyone sang along.  It was such an amazing afternoon, I couldn't have asked it to run any better.  Once all packed up and back home again, Mum continued to chat about the day and I haven't seen her so happy in a very long

time.  It warmed my heart and the arguments and frustrations melted away, although I was now totally spent, physically and emotionally and all I wanted to do was play video games with Sebastian.


I was so proud of him, as the entire afternoon from Noon til 5pm had been consumed with this party and he helped in every way that he could.  He never complained about it being boring, just chatted to people, helped with all the loading and unloading and played piano to entertain the guests.  Mum seemed to finally realise just how special her grandson is.  I reminded her that not many seven year olds would handle five hours of time with old people without a single complaint and I think she finally understood.  Eventually I managed to get out to Mark's old man-cave office and Seb and I played and played and enjoyed our time together.  This boy really is one in a million and I give gratitude every day that I have him in my life. 

So now I have four days of study left before my final exam of the year.  Today was particularly difficult to get of our bed and everyone in the house seemed to sleep in.  I tried hard to study today, but the brain needs a little more sleep, so tomorrow I will try again.  All I can think about is all the things I want to do after this exam on Saturday.  Painting, cleaning, cooking, gardening, Christmas shopping and decorating.  Relaxing, swimming, bike riding, reading...the list is endless.  I only hope I can retain enough information to pass the exam and then I can truly relax for twelve wonderful weeks of summer bliss! Ah...I can taste the Pina Colada already!

Post Number 59 - What Grief Can Do

Literally thirty minutes after my last post, after feeling so smug and smart with myself, I received a phone call.  It was the police and they called to advise that they had recovered my car!  In shock, I asked where it was, only to be told, "at Glenelg, a street up further from where you stated you parked it!" WHAT??  That can't be.  I jumped in the hire car and raced down there.  The policeman was very nice and told me not to worry and that it has happened to many people.

As I drove, I recollected that evening.  I wasn't rushing and was feeling quite relaxed after a Reiki session that I had had that morning.  I racked my brain about everything I did, what streets I drove down, how quiet Glenelg was on that Monday night and how smug I felt about parking in a "free" car park so close to the Hotel.  But my car was parked quite a ways from the hotel.  No broken glass, no damage at all to the car.  Parking tickets on the window only 5 days old, yet it had supposedly been there for 23 days! Did I really park it here and just forget?  It doesn't sit right with me.  I remember parking in a two car park and yet it was now standing in a three car park, sandwiched between two other cars.  I remember looking for car parking signs to ensure I didn't have to buy a ticket, none seen on the night, yet now there was a 2 hour parking sign right next to the car.  I remember looking up and seeing the hotel and noticing how close I was, yet from this car park, the hotel view was blocked by other buildings.  Absolutely nothing made sense to me.  I thought seeing the car would jolt my memory and I would embarrassingly say "oh no, yes I remember now, I did park here not over there", but no such memory emerged.  Instead, I burst in to tears and blurted out to the police officer, " I didn't park it here, I didn't park it here".  "It's ok", the police officer kept saying.  "The car is in perfect order, no damage has been done and I have already contacted the council and you don't have to pay the parking tickets."

I inspected the car, looked inside the windows as my keys had been posted to the insurance company, so I was unable to open it up.  Everything inside looked as it should be.  The blanket folded neatly on the back seat, my sunglasses in the centre console, Sebastian's booster seat in the back.  "How could this of happened?", I kept asking myself.  "Have I truly lost my mind?" How could I face the world and tell them that the car had not been taken at all? Could I have lost part of my memory of that night?

I know the brain can do funny things.  People will often say that they forget where they put their keys or often forget which floor of the carpark they left their car.  I understand that feeling, of course, we have all done it.  But this is very different, as I truly feel that I can remember, yet, supposedly, I can't. Is it possible that I remember some things but have lost a part of my memory,  the part where I walked three times the distance than I thought I did?  That I remember walking up the street and noticing the houses and thinking this is where I parked rather than where I walked? It's giving me a headache, trying to figure it all out.

The three people who already know about this situation (excluding those I live with) have told me to not be hard on myself and that I should be happy that the car is back and not damaged, and that I hadn't yet signed up on another car, although I was literally days away of doing that.  The whole insurance payout was halted, hours before a money transfer. 

I'm not angry with myself.  I'm not saying to myself, "you stupid woman, what's wrong with you", but rather, "what happened? are you really sure? could you have? if so, what is happening to you?" I'm scarred.  Really scarred.  If I really parked there, and the evidence says I did, then what is happening to my brain?  Can I ever truly trust myself again? No wonder I have trouble studying for exams. It's not that I don't know the information, it's just that I can't remember it all.  My brain just doesn't seem to have the capacity. 

I know what you're thinking.  "Oh poor thing, she has been through so much and is under so much stress, it could happen to anyone".  I agree. But I still don't buy it.  I know grief effects the body physiology, that is a fact.  I also know that prolonged stress has major implications to the physiology on the body, also a fact.  Which is exactly why I had attended to these things with diet, Reiki and Chinese Acupressure, to counteract the effects of prolonged stress, and yet, here I am, writing this ridiculous story, in an attempt to give you some understanding of how grief changes you as a person.  It's not about feeling sad for your loss, it's not about depression, it's not about trying to forget what you have lost, and it's not about time will heal, even though those things can and do play a part. 

As you know, I am quite a capable person.  Sometimes I boast about it a little too much and I have been wondering why I do that.  Am I seeking approval, a pat on the back perhaps? Maybe. But maybe I was also trying to tell myself, by telling the world, that I am okay, when actually, the truth is, I'm not. I'm not okay.  I'm surviving, but that's not life.  I'm trying to be strong and a good role model for Sebastian, when really, I just want to crawl in a hole and die.  I want to create a lovely afternoon tea for my Mother's 90th birthday, but all she does is fight me on everything.  No matter what I do, it's no good, too much, too far, too expensive.  I have done nothing but scream at her for days.  And by scream, I mean scream so hard I strain my vocal cords.  Today I resorted to stamping my feet and jumping up and down, to try to get her to understand something.  She doesn't listen, won't listen, can't hear and won't bend.   Yesterday, I had a feeling that I burst a blood vessel in my brain.  I know we joke about it sometimes, but I actually had a physical feeling of something go pop! I think my whole body will go "pop" or "boom", just like in one of Sebastian's Treehouse Story books, where people's head blow off, but they just pick them up and pop them back on again and all is well!

I should be studying for an exam that I have this afternoon.  A practical exam where I show my skills at questioning a patient and recording their information.  I have practiced this many times and I was feeling confident.  But now I can't seem to get it together.  Maybe after getting all this off my chest and crying yet another river, I may be able to pull myself together and fake it for this afternoon.  Maybe going to Mt Gambier for the weekend will give me some much needed relief or maybe it will exacerbate it? I really don't know.  I really truly don't know.

Post Number 58 - When life throws you challenges

So if there is one thing that has been a strong lesson in all that we have been through, it is that there is only one person in life that I can rely on, and that's me. Not Sebastian, not Mum, not friends, not family.  Just ME! If there was only one life lesson that I could teach Sebastian it would be that one. Having faith in yourself, that you can manage any situation, is something many do not know or understand, but I live it every day. 

Friends are wonderful to have, share a laugh with, have a meal with, maybe even a movie or a night out, but when life gets tough, everyone is busy with their own problems and life situations, and that is perfectly ok and understandable. 

I have been a very independent person since my first marriage failed and never again did I want to rely on a man to get me through life.  But I was only 20 when I first married and I had no idea what life was about.  When I met Mark, I was in a position of power.  A manager in the male dominated field of IT and I always had to work harder than others to prove my worth. 

When Mark and I began living together, we had a mutual respect for each other.  We both valued each others opinions, ideas and skills and together we were an awesome team, both at work and at home and at parenting.  While I never relied on him, it was so very nice to share the load of life with someone equally as capable as me.  Carrying that load now solo is hard, draining and exhausting.  It's not that I am not capable, its just a lot.  Every decision, if it is financial, time away, what to eat, what activities and sports should Seb do, just e-v-e-r-y thing, is up to me.  No one to discuss with, bounce ideas with, just me, myself and I.

Imagine my shock when one Monday evening, I park my car in a well lit side street at Glenelg, to attend a function at the Grand Hotel.  After the function, I decide to have a drink with a friend so we could just have a good chat about how crazy life can be.  I return to the place that I left my car, only to find a pile of glass on the ground and no car.  In shock, I ring my friend and she quickly arrives with her car and drives me home, while I contact the police.

Days later two men were arrested for stealing cars by towing them away, cars that usually cannot be stolen or driven without the original key.  I was in shock for days, hoping and praying that my beautiful newish car that I had only purchased in January this year, would be found and returned to me.  But alas, it was not to be.  Dismayed but still hopeful that everything would work itself out, I picked up a hire car (as part of my insurance) and went on with my life, occasionally looking at car sales websites and taking the odd car for a test drive.  Weeks go by, the car all but lost and the prospect of having to deal with "Car Salesman" not my idea of a good time.  A single mother with a young child, many of those vultures were secretly rubbing their hands together.  I resisted many times, from kicking them in groin and simply walked away. 

The stresses of study and exams has now started to kick in and it has now been three and a half weeks since my car disappeared.  I keep telling myself, it's just a car, get over it and buy another.  But there was something special about that car.  It had so many gadgets and special features, a top of the range model for it's year.  It was also my first big, financial, bold move as an individual to purchase this particular car.  I had little advice or help from anyone and it was a decision based on "gut feel". It represented ME.  This was MY car, not OUR car that was bought for me as my last car had been.

I waited anxiously for the insurance company to give me the payout figure, which was to be "market value". Another weekend passed us by and still no word.  The loan car due back in just a few days, I started to push the company harder to give me a figure so that I could properly negotiate with car dealers.  Eventually the phone call came and my heart sunk as the value provided was some $7,000 less than I had originally paid.  Already anticipating this, I kindly asked who I needed to speak to regarding the valuation.  I quickly did some research and made the call. Within 2 hours, I had brought the price up over the "book value" price, and am now in a much better financial position to actually replace the car with another of equal or better standing.

As an ex-IT person, I do love technology and gadgetry.  Leather seats, alloy wheels, wipers that automatically come on when the window gets wet, headlights that automatically come on when it gets dark and the ability to play music from my collection on my phone or from my music subscription, are all features that I loved so much and made that car special and individualised for me.  Maybe it is all the years of hanging out with Mark that has influenced me in that way, who knows.  But at least that stress is over and I feel quite accomplished at recovering most of the money that I lost from that vehicle, when most people said it couldn't be done.  I do love proving people wrong! Maybe it is my defiant nature, I don't know why.  When someone says "you can't do that", I say, "just watch me".

So for now I will return the loan car, complete an exam and drive around in the "old girl" until the right car comes my way.  I'm not going to compromise and buy an entry level vehicle.  If I have to wait until I have more money, then so be it.  Uni lectures are over for this year and I only have exams to go in to the city for.  I can use public transport if need be.  Either way, I will manage.  The right car will come along and will be waiting for me to swoop in and drive it away.  And those male chauvinistic car salesman better watch out or I may just lose all self control and kick them where it hurts. I have been through so much pain, hurt and loss, I can deal with this and again, Sebastian will learn this life lesson of resilience and self-belief and if this is the purpose of this whole situation, then so be it.  It was worth it. 

Post Number 57 - One Year On

So today is the one year anniversary of when Mark took his last breath and I have no idea where that time went.  A year seems like such a long time and yet, I remember every last detail of those last weeks.  My memory is generally pretty shocking, so why on earth do I have to remember all that stuff that I would rather forget?

How do we even do this anniversary?  It's certainly not something to celebrate or commemorate. 
Winding back a few weeks and life has been moving along rather nicely.  I have been studying hard for exams, doing well in some and average in others, but passing, which is the most important.  I have been enjoying my time at College, hanging out with like-minded people and learning from awesome lecturers.  Often my day-to-day frustrations melt away when I walk in the door of college and there is always someone to say "Hi" to or chat to.

 
Last week I completed another two exams and the opportunity came up to take a trip to Mt Gambier so that Sebastian could attend some car racing events that were being held over the weekend.  You see, car racing events such as Drags and Drift, car shows, Targa car racing, even Monster Trucks, were all things Mark enjoyed going to.  As soon as Sebastian was old enough, Mark would take him along too.  It was one of their "boy things" to do together.  Often Mark's brother and father would come up from Mt Gambier so they could attend the events together.  So it became a bit of a "Thompson boys activity".

Leaving the house for long periods of time is very difficult these days, as I don't like leaving Mum home alone in the house.  Respite care is not as easy as I was originally told and hardly any places take bookings and stays are always a minimum of 2 weeks and Mum just wouldn't go.  Her fierce independence can make life very difficult at times and she doesn't seem to understand her limitations, making it doubly worrying for me to go away. For example, just today, on a wet, cold and extremely stormy day, while I am at College, and Sebastian has just been dropped home from school, she decides it would be a good idea to step out onto the balcony (which is wet and slippery) and clean the windows.  She tells me this with great pride after I have just explained to her that I'm home early because the College had been evacuated due to the extreme storm about to hit!

While I can organise careers to come in daily to check on her and take her out and about, it's the time when she is alone that worries me the most.  But I decided I would take the risk and leave her for the weekend, with daily carer visits and enough meals to cover our time away.  I registered the “rocket” and with the last exam completed (for now), we packed our bags and headed to the Limestone Coast.  It had been many months since I had driven the "old girl", but I didn't need to worry as she was in fine form.  We flew so fast that we arrived in Mt Gambier at lunchtime, several hours earlier than usual!  The early arrival time was also contributed to Sebastian's idea to eat breakfast on the way, rather than at home, then have to clean up before heading off.  "When did you get so smart?" I asked him.  I pre-made a muesli, yoghurt, berries and chopped nuts breakfast delight the evening before, as well as some muffin sized vegetable quiches for our lunch, and we were on the road by 7am and eating breakfast some 150kms through our 420km drive!

The weekend away was a huge success, despite the somewhat average weather at times.  Sebastian had such a great time but was also quite sombre at times.  While he enjoyed the time with his Uncle and Pa, and he discovered his uncle had a really cool rally car video game, there was also that realisation that someone quite important was missing from all those car fumes, smoke, car crashes and excitement. 

On the last day, we had discussed going to the cemetery.  I had asked him if he wanted to go and he had originally said no, but upon further reflection he decided that he did want to go with me.  With spring just beginning, Sebastian's uncle's garden was alive with flowers in every direction you looked.  So together, we picked the most beautiful bunch of flowers and had our moment at the cemetery.  We held each other close, told Mark how much we loved him and missed him, but also thanked him for still being with us in spirit.

Inside the car was quiet for the first half an hour as we headed home, with the exception of the loud engine noise and road noise!  The car seemed to "take off" at random times throughout the weekend, especially as we arrived in the Mount, or when driving to and from his brother’s house.  It was as if she had a mind of her own or was being controlled by someone other than me.  It was exhilarating and I started to feel why Mark loved this car so much.  His presence so strong in that car, I could have kept driving and driving and never once did I feel tired.

So that brings us to today, 3 days after returning home from Mark's home town.  The place he always called "home", where he grew up and where most of his family still live.  It was always very important for him to travel back several times a year and the last trip he made, he took Sebastian along, and based on all the photos and stories they shared upon their return, the two of them had shared a special weekend together. One way that I can honour his memory is to ensure I travel there as often as my schedule allows and to ensure Sebastian also grows up with fond memories of this special place.  Its’ natural beauties are so exceptional, so unique and I often tell Sebastian stories of the times his father and I spent there.

So commemorating this day, the day his physical body left us, is a difficult one.  It's a day when I am at College most of the day til late, Sebastian is as school and the weather is quite fierce.  On the night of Mark's passing, Sebastian and I had been enjoying a dinner at our favourite local café when I received the call from the hospice that Mark's condition had changed.  I remember that night very vividly, so we decided that we would have dinner there again, despite the nasty weather.  I reminded Sebastian of what happened that night and while he had some tears, it was ok for him to remember.  We talked about our day, enjoyed our beautiful meals and we wrote little notes to send to Dad.  After dinner we released a balloon with our notes attached and while I'm not really sure if the balloon actually took off, it didn't really matter as the darkness, black clouds and storm covered up any failings of the balloon flight. 

So that's it.  Year one completed-365 days without my best friend to hug, kiss, talk to and laugh with.  Amazing what you can achieve I guess, when life throws you a situation like this one. Every day Sebastian grows more and more like his father.  His wit, his love for music, his intelligence and maturity continue to amaze me and make me feel like I haven't lost Mark at all, he has just morphed into a little boy, who is learning about life all over again, only with a new found confidence that Mark never knew.  A confidence to be who he is and be proud of that, no matter what life throws at you.  To be so popular that everyone wants to be your friend or just hang out with you.  Something neither Mark nor I ever experienced in our youth.  Indeed…watching this young man grow up is quite an amazing experience to say the least and I often have to remind myself, “hey, he is allowed to get stroppy, moody and defiant sometimes, he is only 7 you know!”

Post Number 56 - Holistic Lesson

As you are probably aware by now my fellow readers, I am studying a Bachelor Degree in Health Science, majoring in Nutrition.  In our studies, all natural health modalities have a grounding in holistic principals meaning "Mind, Body and Spirit".  There is rarely a lecture that goes by where holistic is not mentioned, except perhaps Nutritional Biochemistry, my nemesis subject!  Anyways, so here I am, back at College again, holiday over, and back to finding a new rhythm with new lecture times and new subjects.  Again, "holistic approach" is discussed.  Internally I am rolling my eyes and thinking, "Here we go again, bla bla bla."

By now, my physical health is at an all-time low and I was barely functioning on any level.  I was eating a perfect diet, sleeping deeply for eight hours, and yet feeling like I had been hit by a bus, day-in-day-out.  I was constantly arguing with Mum and even blowing up at Sebastian.  I had lost all enthusiasm and passion for study and for life in general.  I was at breaking point.

I knew I had to make some changes and I made a new friend at College who is a qualified Reiki practioner and she offered to "give me some relief".  I had little knowledge about Reiki and felt that it couldn't hurt to give it a go.  I also signed up for a six week yoga/meditation course, timed well during the late afternoon once a week.  It meant Seb being in OSHC yet another day, but I felt it was important that I attend.  Then I was reminded that College has clinic rooms that we can access, a place where we will all do "Clinic Time" as part of our degree.  For a total sum of $15, I could have all sorts of treatments at my disposal.  So I booked in for Tua Na, a Chinese practice of accupuncture without the needles, with the plan to balance my hormones which I thought may need some adjustment.

So I attended my first Reiki session.  It was lovely, relaxing, nothing out of the ordinary.  Not sure if I really felt any different, just a little relaxed I guess.  It was a Friday and I went ahead with my normal day and had an OK weekend with Sebastian.  Monday morning I hit the study books as usual, but by lunchtime, I found that I was unable to read one more word or listen to one more minute of a lecture. My body just said "STOP".  I felt there was nothing I could do.  Perhaps I just needed a little lay down, "cat nap" to recharge myself?  I lay down on the bed and covered myself, feeling cold.  I curled up in a tight ball and tears started to flow.  Soon there was a river and hours later, it looked like a naughty kitten had attacked the tissue box!  I fell asleep, exhausted, mentally and physically spent.  It was late afternoon and luckily Sebastian was at OSHC, so I did not need to rush for school pick-up.

Later that week I experienced my first Tua Na session.  I dragged myself in to College.  The lovely student gave me the instruction, "just down the hall, second door to the left".  I felt panicked, these instructions were just too complex for me.  How many doors down?  Right? Left? I'm not sure.  Once in the room, she asked me a few very basic questions, like "so how are you feeling today?" and "so what brings you here today?".   Within seconds, the floodgates opened and I was sobbing and gasping for air.  She was so kind and understanding, resting her hand gently on my arm and telling me "it's ok".  Then she completed her treatment, including a lovely head massage, for no other reason but to make me feel somewhat better than I had gone in.  And indeed, I felt better and able to face six long hours of lectures.

By now I was learning new things about Bach Flowers, energy and what is meant by holistic.  You see, you can have the best diet in the world, but if you are not addressing the root cause of the illness, the problem will not go away.  The Reiki opened up the spiritual pathways, the Tua Na, the physical blockages in the liver and spleen, caused by months and months of stress,  often unconscious stress.  I then began daily doses of Bach Flowers and a second Reiki treatment.  I also took Sebastian for a treatment.  I was so hesitant at first, unsure if this would be right for him, but I was assured it would be ok and he could stop at any time if he felt uncomfortable.  I watched on as his body relaxed and he felt the presence of his father and his flock of protecting Angels.  The weight of the world that he was carrying, lifted and removed from his little shoulders.  I too had a much different experience this second time.  A deep, deep trance-like state and I could see the bright light coming from the Angels, just as Sebastian had seen.  My first yoga/meditation session went well and a second Tua Na also seemed to enhance my vitality.

I started walking with a spring in my step. And I got off the tram 2-3 stops early and just walked, enjoying the warm sun on my face, even daring to smile to myself.  I started to get excited about Sebastian's birthday party and even organised cooking a dinner for ten for my 50th Birthday, all on a day that I had a 3-6pm lecture in the CBD!  I also signed up with "Hello Fresh", a system of meal planning and raw ingredient supply.  I had heard of this system a long long time ago and often received discount offers to sign up.  But cooking is my thing, how could I hand over the meal planning to an external source?  But I decided that I needed to be a little kinder to myself and hey, no one would have to know.  The meals are very nutritious, the raw ingredients fresh and I would still be the one doing the cooking.

The day of my Birthday was perfect.  Preparations for the evening meal done, I squeezed in a quick massage for no reason except "just because", then in to the city for a beautiful lunch with a beautiful friend, followed by a lecture at College, followed by a wonderful night full of warm hugs, a slow cooker meal, love and laughter. I could not have planned a better day and most of it just fell in to place with very little stress.


Then it was Sebastian's turn to have a big day.  An early start and his friends all arrived on time. With the lounge room re-arranged, decorations already done, table set, all 16 of his friends filled the lounge room.  The noise was deafening and I began to wonder, "what on earth was I thinking?".  But then, the Magician began his show. The children all sat on the floor, mesmerised by his talents, laughing at his antics and applauding his tricks.  Once the show was over, the children squeezed into the dining area to eat, drink and be merry.  This was followed by running around in the garden, followed by the bashing of the home-made Piñata, which to my surprise, held together so everyone could at least have one good bash at it.  Yes, I have to say, it was a huge success on every level and I enjoyed the whole experience of hosting our first children's party at home.
 
So that was last week!  This week has been somewhat calmer, except for exams.  Two down, one to go this Saturday.  I still have a lot of study to do, but my whole outlook is different.  I don't feel stressed, concerned perhaps is a better word, but calm.  Mark is with me, I know that.  I talk to him every night and even during the day sometimes.  I ask for his help and he tells me that I can do it without him.  "I know", I say, "but still, you can help me right?" I joke.  I don't feel like Mark has missed my milestone birthday or that he wasn't there to see Sebastian's magical party.  He was there, experiencing it in a different way.  He even played a trick on me with the candles on my cake.  I blew them out, and they kept relighting.  One candle in particular, I blew out more than three times and yet it kept on relighting itself.  I smiled at Sebastian who was by my side and I finally snuffed it by wetting my fingers and putting it out. "Very funny", I said aloud to him. "Thank you for letting me know you're here."  I know it may sound a little crazy to some, but I have had too many signs and too many different confirmations to know that it is not all in my mind.

So each day my body grows a little stronger and my diet has been somewhat average with all the festivities, but I know now, that I am on a path of healing and my body will follow.  I feel happy and somewhat excited about the future.  My passion for my studies has returned and I fill full rather than empty and alone.  I still have a lot of life left in me, so I better get on with it!