It's been five days since my last post, with some days being more difficult than others. We are all adjusting to a new daily routine which includes Mark and medical appointments. Mark has been doing so incredibly well with his physical healing, now totally off any pain medication. But sleep seemed to be his nemesis.
As each day passed, his moods and patience level didn't seem to improve by very much. I took this to be his lack of sleep at night. Mark has always been a keen sleeper and always liked to be in bed on time, while I would quite happily stay up and burn the midnight oil. A lack of sleep would most often result in a grumbly bear the next day. So we decided it best if he took a sleeping tablet. I gave him one that I have used in the past, an over the counter pill in which you can take a dose of 1-2 tablets an hour before going to sleep. I gave him a half a tablet, quite a bit lower than the recommended dosage. Well, he slept alright, but was groggy and foggy the next day, which didn't really help at all.
By now he had become really distant and was starting to show signs of depression. I asked him if he felt angry about everything that had happened and he agreed that he probably did. That morning after breakfast we went for a short walk and while Sebastian and Else ran along the creek path, we talked. I was starting to unravel myself and felt it hard to go on each day. Then I got mad and started to point out all the positives in our situation. Financially we are ok, it's stage 3 not 4, it's treatable and beatable and damm it, we have a son who needs us both and it's time to stop wallowing in self-pity. This was a time to embrace all the "spare time" and do the things that he would always complain he didn't have enough time to do. Ride your bike, read your magazines, write some code, play some games and walk the dog in this beautiful sunshine.
By now I could see that he needed some male company as each visitor we had since he returned home was either female, a family or couples. He needed male company, not to talk about the disease or what treatment he was having, but to talk blokey things and just hang out.
I made a call to the chemo doctor to discuss his next appointment and I mentioned his medications and asked for clarification. He advised me that Mark should start to reduce one of the medications used for reducing swelling and fluid as he needed to be clear of this drug before starting the chemo trial. That night Mark went without this drug and finally a better night sleep was experienced, and a new Mark emerged.
It's Wednesday now and today was a real breakthrough. It's the little things that get me excited, like him making a pot of tea for me, putting out the rubbish or offering to give Sebastian a shower and read stories, all without being asked or prompted. This is huge as until today, he had not shown any interest in any daily chores or activities. While this may be quite normal for some husbands, our relationship works on a much different level. Neither of us would usually relax until everything was done, put away and in its place, a daily team effort. Up until today, this had been my total responsibility and it was starting to take its toll.
So now I feel much more hopeful that things will start to improve. I have found some yoga and meditation classes as well as specialised cancer counselling and cancer healing and wellness courses. With the problems at my work now finally fixed and support research completed, I feel I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and have a feeling of being on top of everything, for the first time since Mark was taken away in an Ambulance just two and a half weeks ago! OMG, it seems like a lifetime ago!
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