Post Number 68 - Recovery or NOT

It's been a while since I have felt like writing. Usually it is enjoyable and therapeutic for me to write my feelings and experiences in a posting. But the last few months have brought the highest of highs and the lowest of depressive lows. Just when I felt my health was on the road to recovery, the rug would be pulled out from under me and I would fall victim to the pain, fatigue and brain fog that is fibromyalgia.

I started having acupuncture treatments at College and gained much relief from my symptoms as well as finally figuring out what was happening in my body. I previously mentioned the stress that life as a solo parent can bring and it suddenly dawned on me that my body was permanently set to "fight or flight mode" and never switching off to allow my body to heal, digest and rest. My body and my brain was always ready to "make a run for it" leading to fatigued muscles and reduced digestion, meaning I was not absorbing any of the wonderful nutrition that I was feeding my body. I finally understood why my body felt like it had "run a marathon" when I had done nothing more than a simple day of study and care for Sebastian and my Mum.

I asked the acupuncture student practitioner to insert the needles in the appropriate places to "turn off the sympathetic nervous system" and the next day I felt like a new person. I continued weekly treatments until the end of the semester and felt invigorated, pain free and full of life. Sebastian and I went bike riding and swimming together, and I began enjoying morning pain-free jogs with the dog. I had four glorious weeks of feeling the ultimate in health and wellbeing and some of the excess kilos started to shift.

But the semester ended, the acupuncture treatments stopped and study for exams began. Each week I began feeling weaker and the pain started returning and before long, I felt like I was back to square one. I began feeling so frustrated, so upset, irritable and angry that this was my life again. Depression starting raising its ugly head as I suffered in silence. The feelings of loneliness and despair overwhelmed me once again as the lost kilos quickly returned without any nutritional input from me.

I threw myself into exam study, determined to do well and pass convincingly, feeling that perhaps, once the exams are over, my body can relax again. The last subject was a huge triple content subject and I felt like I was learning everything from scratch as the lectures I attended all seemed a distant memory. I dedicated every day in revising 120+ hours of lecture content, in the hope that something would stick in my memory.   Finally the day of the exam arrived and I spent a few hours at home revising a few things before heading in to the city. I found a wonderful cafe, ordered some lunch and spent the last hour cramming as much as I could. But nothing more could fit in and I began to panic as I tried stopping myself from completing melting down. I couldn't remember what I had just read two minutes ago, so how could I possibly complete this exam?

Walking in to the College and my fellow classmates seemed to be as nervous as I was. I just wanted it over with and wanted the holidays to begin. It seemed to take forever before we were finally allowed to start the exam and a final prayer to my angels and some deep breathing helped to calm me as I read the exam paper. I started writing and felt comfortable with most of my answers. "I had this", I thought, "I can pass this massive subject" and I smiled as I completed the paper, sat back and looked around the room. "It's over for another year", I made it!

With this huge weight off my shoulders I now had to make a decision. Drive to Mt Gambier for the weekend to attend a family function or stay home. "What's to think about?" you may be asking. "Just go", you may be thinking. If only life was that simple.

Just a week ago, while at home studying, I had been relieved to witness the dog being much less obsessive and aggressive towards the chickens. Her behaviour had been more manageable and I had also had some advice from another dog behaviourist. I noticed that one of the chickens had been getting underneath the wire fencing and entering the buffer zone that I had created to keep the dog and the chickens apart from one another. I could hear when this situation occurred as I heard a crazy bark from the dog, so I would bring her inside and place the chicken back to her safe zone along with the rest of the flock and peace was restored. I would get to fixing that hole on the weekend.

It was Thursday and Sebastian had woken looking very grey indeed. Already blowing his nose ten times before breakfast, I knew Sports Day at school was not a good option for him. As I was home studying, I felt the best place for him was on the couch. Later that afternoon, his nose stopped running and his energy levels returned and he wanted to go out and spend time with his newest feathery friends. He loved spending time with the chickens, feeding them, holding them and giving them treats like spinach or fresh mealworms. When he entered the gate, they all come running towards him, excited to see what treat he may be bringing them. I had advised him that if any of them had entered the buffer zone to quickly put the dog inside and correct the situation, which he indeed needed to do.

While I don't know exactly what happened in those next two minutes, I do know that Mum headed out the back door, the dog got out, I was heading up the hallway as I had finished my study for the day and one of the chickens had somehow gone from the buffer zone and was now walking around the backyard. It was one of those moments when everything slows down into slow motion. Sebastian's screams will be forever etched into my brain as he watched the dog grab the chicken by the neck and squeeze. I seemed to run into obstacle after obstacle as I ran to save my son's beloved pet from the jaws of the dog, to no avail.

After getting the dog away from the situation, I held my Sebastian tight as he screamed and screamed, terrorised by what he had witnessed. I too started wailing as I blamed myself for not getting to that hole sooner and for not checking that everything was safe and secure outside. I had also allowed the chickens the freedom of the whole backyard the previous weekend, thinking they might like to eat some of the grass, but instead they dug in the dirt, something they have more than enough of in their own chicken run. Yes I blamed myself for every rookie mistake I made that led to this horrible event.

So just packing up and leaving for the weekend is not quite that easy. I usually ensure a carer comes each day that I am away, but Mum refused this and she would only allow someone to come on two days of the four that I would be away. Her fierce independence often putting her in less than safe situations, as she feels that she can do anything and by me organising for neighbours to look after the chickens meant that "she was good for nothing" in her eyes. I struggled with the decision, but also felt a desperate need to get away and connect with Mark's family. I had to go.

The morning of our departure, Mum and I had a screaming fight. As she walked past me, she patted my stomach, indicating my weight was visually back on show. "When I was young, we used to wear a corset" she said. Already stressed about leaving, worried and upset from a conversation with a friend the night before, my volcano erupted. I screamed and wailed, disgusted that she could be so cruel as to highlighting my weight gain when I have tried so hard to shift it. It took a long time for me to calm down, finish loading the car and finally back out the driveway. Before leaving, I hugged her (something we never do), apologised for my outburst and left. 120kms on and I was already exhausted with still 300kms to drive.

We stopped for breakfast and I apologized to Sebastian for my behaviour and tried to explain to him how complicated my relationship with my Mum is. By the time we reached our destination, my eyes were red and puffy from weeping most of the way, my head was pounding from a stress-induced migraine and I was physically spent. I dropped Sebastian at his Uncles so that I could unpack and lie down.

That was two days ago and I am finally feeling calmer and relaxed after leaving Sebastian with his Uncle and Grandpa for the day. I wish we didn't have to drive home tomorrow and face reality again, but stay in country, enjoy home baking, cups of tea and 5pm Happy Hour. But I must get back, get on with preparations for Christmas and maintenance to the house and garden. Running away isn't the answer, but it does provide some temporary relief, some opportunities to read, breath and pretend that everything is okay.

Post Number 67 - Three steps Backwards

It seems I still have more to learn about my body and what it might be going through after years of constant stress. You may have heard media reporting on the effects of stress and wondered if it had any relevance to yourself. I admit that stress has been part of my life for a very long time. Desperate to save the love of my life, I worked tirelessly to find answers to save him. Two years on and the daily stress of solo life is not easy.

People have said to me, "It's stress that is causing you to be unwell, just deal with your stress" or "You do too much, stop doing so much". Thing is, most people live with stress of some kind. Whether it's from work, relationships, money, study or parenting, stress is very much part of our modern lifestyle. There are however, healthy ways to deal with these situations which can help to minimise the impact that stress can have in the body. Light exercise, deep breathing, getting back to nature such as a walk on the beach or a hike, yoga, meditation or just hugging the one you love and taking a moment.

For the last two years, I have tried very hard to keep a balanced lifestyle to ensure I didn't fall in to the negative effects of chronic stress. I would spend the time that Sebastian attended school, doing my studies and the evenings spent together. Weekends, a time for work around the house and garden as well as some getting back to nature and light exercise. But it seemed, this was not going to be enough and I was about to feel the wrath of a body starting to shut down.

With a most wonderful school holiday period over, I was refreshed and ready to return back to my studies. Usually, I am overcome with a feeling of happiness and belonging when I return back to the city and enter the college doors. But not this time. My first lecture seemed as if it was delivered in a foreign language and I immediately felt overwhelmed. Several weeks went by and the feelings did not change, instead, I started to feel pain in every joint of my body and I became chronically fatigued. My brain was in a complete fog and I started to panic as I could not understand what was happening to me.

With none of my treatments, herbs or supplements giving me any relief, I turned to a Functional Medical Practitioner at Blackwood. I took with me a "mind map" of what I thought might be going on in my body as well as a long list of blood testing that I wanted to have done, many of which are not usually recognised as necessary by general practitioners or covered by the Medicare system. I spent an hour with this doctor and she listened and was very supportive, which in itself was very therapeutic. When the results came back, I was shocked to discover my iron levels had once again been completely depleted and all other results came back as healthy. Through my studies I had learnt that B12 levels are optimal at well over 500 and as my levels had risen from 300 to 400, I disregarded this as being a big issue. A General Practitioner will usually not consider B12 to be low unless they are under or around 200. However, lectures at Uni had again re-iterated the importance of higher B12 levels, so I decided to ask the doctor for B12 injections as well as another iron infusion. She quickly agreed and had planned on the same strategy. Within 24 hours of the treatment, I started to feel well again, the pain subsiding from an 8/10 to 3/10. My energy levels returned, my brain fog lifted and I was no longer falling asleep at 4pm and needing to push myself to cook dinner and spend quality time with Sebastian.

I have now had three of these injections, one each week and I have felt how good it feels to be able to get out in the garden, exercise and enjoy life again. The stress is still there however and always will be.  Living solo is hard on so many levels. Every decision is mine to make. Money, education, parenting, holidays etc etc. There is no one to share the load, discuss the options or plan for the future. If I get sick, there is no one to care for me. If I fall, there is no one to pick me up, dust me off and tell me that everything will be alright. This is a different type of stress that most people don't have to worry about. There are family members or partners that "have your back" and that is the biggest loss that I have suffered. If I falter, no one has my back.

I am very independent and I certainly don't need rescuing. Sure, there are times when I may need a little help with the heavy lifting, but in general, I am very capable and don't need a man to support me or save me. But that doesn't mean that I want to walk this life alone, even though I am very comfortable with my own company. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia that I really realised the background stress of being a widow is always there and no amount of relaxation is going to ease it. But I am grateful that I have had a quick turnaround with my health and I can once again begin living again.

My garden has never looked better and I have planted vegetables all over the place. The chickens are doing well and as for the dog, well, she is now on Prozac in an attempt to calm her obsessive and anxious behaviour. It's still early days, but fingers crossed, there seems to be some slight improvements, but time will tell. Sebastian continues to light up my life and constantly amaze me with his abilities and talents. He works hard at school and has even been picked to perform a solo part in his junior primary choir.


I now know, becoming a Nutritionist will be enough to make a significant difference in helping people with their health. I thought I would need to learn herbs and have extra tools and treatments, but I believe this will not be necessary. Next year I begin clinic at college and will be seeing clients and taking their health history. At the start of the year, the thought of this scarred me and I didn't feel prepared. But now I feel more confident and ready to face this and I am actually looking forward to this final stage of my degree. This year has been so challenging, as is every year it seems, but I continue to learn and grow, experience and find what it is, I am here to do. The miracle of the human body never ceases to amaze me and I respect my body for the gifts it has given me as I continue this life journey alone and as we fast approach the end of yet another year without our beloved Mark.

Post Number 66 - Filling a Big Black Void

I'm pleased to say that my health has taken a turn for the better.  The practitioner sessions, infra-red sauna's, supplements and herbs, finally giving me some much needed relief after three months of unexplained symptoms. Our trip to Mt Gambier absolutely jam-packed with fun and adventure, heartfelt love from the Thompson family and new experiences. I started to feel good the day before leaving and sleep came easily. The drive in the "old Girl" effortless with the only stresses being bad weather which slowed us down somewhat.

All that I had wished for was granted. A weather forecast of rain, followed by rain and then rain, somehow changed to sunshine, followed by sunshine and then a little more sunshine. The accommodation simply wonderful with the comfiest bed I'd ever slept on. Nerves started the morning of our planned horse ride and I began to wonder, "What was I thinking, putting my son at risk like this? Who am I trying to make happy? Sebastian or myself?" But the experience was wonderful and I felt surprisingly comfortable in the saddle again, my muscle weakness completely gone and I "mounted up" without any trouble.  On the trail ride, Sebastian seemed to enjoy himself, despite losing his seat and almost falling off when his pony spooked. My heart jumped as I helplessly watched as he regained his seat and his stirrup. After the ride I asked him if he wanted to ride on another day and he quickly announced how much he would love to do it again!

 At his Uncle's house Sebastian enjoyed playing video games, driving remote control cars and driving the quad bike around the yard, albeit driving it under a low-branched tree and giving himself some scratches and scars to brag about. I also enjoyed some time to myself to peruse local farmers markets, read and research in the library and a family day at Warrnambool another highlight. Every day was packed with joy and as usual, as we drove away, heading in the direction of home, the tears flowed. 

Back home, I made it my mission to obtain some chickens and settle them in before heading back to Uni. I began the training with the dog and two days later I had two lovely sweet gentle birds cackling in the new chicken run and Cubby Coop. My joy of finally achieving this goal of ten years was however, quickly overshadowed with worry about the dog getting in, the chickens getting out and a fox having them for dinner. I didn't expect the chickens to be so lovely and such pets. I haven't named them or announced to the world that I have them (until now) as I am too scared that my next Facebook post will say, "rest in peace Tallulah and Penny" (ok, I have silently named them).

As well as "Operation Chicken", Sebastian and I have made the most of our time together, going to the movies, bike riding, playing video games and just "hanging out". I also organised some days at OSHC and a basketball training day with the Adelaide 36ers players.

Today while Sebastian was enjoying a fun-filled day at the school OSHC with his friends, I continued with my weekly sauna and TCM practitioner treatment. In between the two appointments I had a little time to myself, so I headed to the beach to breathe and take a moment. I was quickly overcome with emotion as I saw a young couple with the loveliest little boy (around 2 years) and watched as they walked along holding his hands, laughing, swinging him in the air and taking videos of him. I remember those times as being the happiest times of my life with Sebastian and Mark.

As the uncontrollable emotion flowed over, I asked myself, "What are these tears about?" Then I realised what I had been doing. I have been trying to fill that big black void with things that I love doing in order to try to feel some happiness again. But today I realised, this isn't really working. That happiness feels impossible to achieve, no matter how much I try. This leaves me in a state of limbo and at a loss of hope for the present and the future. I love horses, so very much and I would love to have my own, but I know this is not possible. I love having the chickens, but is the stress really worth it? I love my studies and love learning, but how on earth will I use that knowledge to educate others when all the odds are stacked against me?

What is my future? I try to have faith that everything will work out as it should and I need not worry. Most times I can keep that faith, but sometimes reality overwhelms me and I think "Who am I kidding?; What am I doing?, What is the lesson I am to learn from all this?" When I have some answers, I'll be sure to tell you, but for now, I just feel numb and tired and want to pick up my son and cuddle up on the couch with him, for he is my life and my sole purpose and the one who can bring me comfort on these darker days.

Post Number 65 - Crashing to the Bottom Again

I can't wrap my head around how frustrating life can be. It seems I am destined to continue my learning through my own health challenges! No sooner did I start to feel well and back on track, was I pushed back down into the depths of one of the sickest days of my life!

It was the Easter weekend and Sebastian and I had decided to stay home so that I could study and do things around the home.  I was finishing off my Chicken Run fencing and countless other jobs around the house and garden.  Sebastian had a runny nose and was a little "off colour", but I felt the sunshine would be good for him and I needed his help.  But he was very sluggish and dragged his feet everywhere he went. In my keenness to finish all the work, I raised my voice at him several times, asking him to "hurry up" and "keep moving". Little did I know he was carrying a virus that would strike me down the very next day.

Easter Monday I dragged myself out of bed and made breakfast.  A simple porridge with yoghurt, fresh fruit and chopped nuts took every last piece of energy my body could conjure.  I spent the day on the couch, my head feeling like it was in a pressure cooker, every joint aching and every muscle completely spent, shivering one minute, sweating the next.  By lunchtime I couldn't eat or drink anything. Sebastian stayed with me the whole day and took the opportunity to stay in his PJ's and watch movies with me. Lunch for him was an apple but he did not complain.  . In tears I apologised over and over for giving him such a hard time the day before.  “It’s okay Mummy”, “I wasn’t that sick”, he said. Unfortunately, my Mum offered no assistance, only judgements and disapproval for the darkness of the room and that Sebastian was not dressed appropriately.

Desperate to get better and knowing that I was dehydrating, I had to do something.  I gathered my strength and started to make a soup.  I chopped onions, garlic and pumpkin and added ginger, chilli and turmeric. I put the pot on the stove and turned on the gas.  That process took everything I had and I went to the bedroom to lie down, instructing Sebastian to watch the pot until it boiled, and then to turn down the gas to allow the vegetables to simmer and cook. Little did I know, my Mum then came into the kitchen, saw the pot on the stove and decided to turn down the gas, even though everything in the pot was still cold.  Eventually I dragged myself out of bed again, expecting to have the soup ready to go, only to find everything still uncooked.  It was an exhausting day to say the least and it challenged me on so many levels. While I'm not alone, I never felt more helpless and alone. Sebastian was amazing, but at only seven years of age, his abilities are limited. It brought home the importance of staying on top of my health as there is no one else who can "share the load".

It's been several months now since that awful day and my body, although functioning, has never been the same again. All muscles, so weak and fatigued, I can only do basic tasks. I took on coaching Sebastian's basketball team, enjoying working with the children, but soon realising that just a little running around the court would leave my body physically spent. Bike rides no longer an option, even walking the dog means a 20 minute lie down to recuperate.

As end of semester exams came up, I began to panic as again, my brain fogged over and nothing made sense and I struggled with assignments. At Uni I met a fellow student who practises TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine), in particular acupressure. I was very keen to give this a try as I had experienced some wonderful sessions last year at the College with this modality. She assured me she could help clear my brain and get me through the exams.  And she did just that. I asked lecturers and fellow students for help and managed amazing results with my assignments and felt I completed my exams equally well.  It was a huge relief indeed, but the muscle weakness continued and played on my mind continuously.

Studying Pathology and Clinical Diagnostic Testing, any disease state with symptoms of "muscle weakness" caught my attention and warranted further investigation.  In desperation, I began doubling my supplementation and adding yet more to my ever growing bottles of pills. But nothing worked, the weakness remained. I continued researching and investigating and began to put the pieces of the puzzle together.  Another session with the TCM practitioner and things started to change. She worked on my lower back, indicating there were some blockages in the flow of my energy.  By the time she was finished, a lot of joint pain that I had also been experiencing was disappearing.  By the next day I was starting to feel great again.  I was so overjoyed and began booking time away with my amazing son, including a special feature of a horse riding adventure.  I was so excited to finally have a chance to share the wonderful world of horses with him.  A chance to teach him to ride and go on a trial ride together, one of my ultimate dreams. But as the days grow closer, the weakness is returning, the pain in my knees stronger than ever and the worry returns.

My TCM practitioner is otherwise engaged, and I have no option now but to push on in my current state. Sebastian and I need this time away more than ever and time spent in the "old girl" is always a pleasure. I pray that my body will allow me to ride and that Sebastian enjoys his first experience with horses. I pray for good weather, an easy drive, a warm and comfy bed and a heartfelt welcoming by family.  I have to believe that everything will be okay...it just has to be.

Post Number 64 - Turning a Corner

It's been five weeks since I started specific supplementation and the iron infusion and that seems like an eternity ago.  Life is so different now and I feel like I am becoming the person I was always meant to be.  The profound difference has really driven home how important my study is.  Learning about the body and witnessing first-hand how a metabolic deficiency can change how you behave and how you view the world, quite frightening.

Pyrolle Disorder runs in families and is often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, depression or other mental health disorders.  My grandmother was diagnosed with this condition which I already knew, but I didn't know there was a link to vitamin and mineral deficiencies that could lead to such dramatic behaviours.  My grandmother was deemed "unfit" to raise her three children, so they were sent off to be raised by other family members. My mother and her sister were raised by their grandparents and their brother raised miles away in another town.  The family was always disconnected and disjointed and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to be ripped away from your home and placed in a completely different town and be raised by almost strangers, at the tender age of five. Mum lived with her grandparents for almost a year before her sister joined her and they rarely saw their little brother.

I asked Mum about those times and if there were any big events leading up to her mother's diagnosis.  She was quick to point out that after the birth of her little brother, her "Mum had never been the same".  I asked if the birth had been traumatic and she confirmed this, although she did not know the details.  Could this trauma have triggered pyroloria? Had there been dramatic blood loss resulting in anaemia? This we will never know, but it certainly is a possibility.

I had my blood tested again four weeks after the infusion and the results came back with amazing figures.  Never before had my iron levels looked so good, so no further medical intervention is required.  I continue my supplementation and I now feel so much brighter and happier.  I feel I can handle stress better and the people around me no longer feel like they are tip-toeing around me in the fear they may "set me off".  I was a walking time bomb at home and an emotional wreck outside the home.  People looked at me and I knew they were thinking "oh poor Irene, the grief has overwhelmed her".  No one understood how I was feeling, not even me, but I knew that the grief had absolutely nothing to do with it.  This feeling just made me angrier and more frustrated.

I want to make one thing really clear.  Yes, I am grieving and always will be.  Yes, my life is different now.  But that doesn't mean my life is terrible.  I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me!  I have so much to be grateful for. So so much.  I found the love of my life, many never have that opportunity.  As a result of that love, I have an amazing young boy who is my world- many don't have that.  I have a roof over my head and don't spend each day worrying about how I am going to put food on the table- many don't have that. I have circles of friendships where I am loved and accepted for who I am without judgement, without pity- many don't have that. I have many skills and abilities, knowledge and resourcefulness- many don't have that and rely heavily on others for daily tasks. I study in an environment where I can learn about how to heal myself and hence help to heal others. My life is good.  It may not be what I had expected, it may not be easy, but as I grew up with only a mother (my father died when I was only two), it feels familiar to me.  Hard work is just part of life and all I really know.

As of this week, my kitchen, after two years of "on again-off again" renovation, is finally finished! The chicken run fencing is also almost finished, time, always being my biggest problem.  I have recently recruited a gardener once a month to help me with some of the heavier workloads around my garden.  Within minutes of me showing him around the garden, I knew this was one of the best things I had done in a while. His knowledge and passion of native gardens oozing from every one of his pores and he complemented me on one of the most amazing gardens he had seen in a long time.  I was so happy to finally find some help who would actually be "help" and it was so nice to have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off.  It gave me hope that there are still lovely people out there who share similar ideas and passions as I do. 

So life goes on a little smoother now.  My mind is clearer and more focussed and not cluttered with dark thoughts. I am calmer and happier deep inside.  I feel content and able to contribute to society.  Mid-semester exams are over and while the results have not been very good, I believe and I can get myself back on track.  Life seems enjoyable again and I don't need to pretend anymore.  I can be Me, and that's okay!

Post Number 63 - Faking it but not Making it

It has now been five weeks since College went back and I started to struggle almost straight away.  By week three I was breaking down in class and in desperation, I went to my local GP to ask for a full blood test to see if there was something obvious going on.  Studying various blood disorders, leukaemia's and anaemia's sent me down a slippery slope of wondering if I too could be getting a fatal disease.  What was wrong with me? Why was I so flat, so unable to remember the slightest detail about what I was learning or reading about.?  There had to be something terribly wrong.

The months of Feb and March bring Adelaide alive with the Fringe Festival bringing so much entertainment from all over Australia and the world.  Our little city comes alive and I have never really involved myself that much in the festivities.  This year however, I decided that if I wanted to enjoy life, I had to get out there and make it happen, even though I would actually prefer to just stay at home and check-out from the world.  "Fake it til you make it", I told myself.  Get out there and do what others are doing, chill out, have fun, have a laugh, contact some friends. 

So I did.  I lost count of how many shows I went to with different people and different groups.  I also took Sebastian and we spent an afternoon seeing two shows and then decided to see a third!  That day was my best day by far.  Spending time with him and watching him laugh and talk about the things that he saw, filled my bucket.  But often, on other evenings, I began to feel out of place again, like a real "fake", which I guess I was, but I was trying so hard to have fun, but just couldn't. No offence to anyone that I went out with, there was just that deep joy completely missing.  The shows I went to were excellent, one causing my face to ache after laughing non-stop for over an hour.  But the joy of socialising, that one should have, just not there. Any other times of social activity, feeling exactly the same. "What is wrong with me and what have I become", I kept asking myself?

On Friday of that same week of visiting the doctor's office, my phone rang while I was in class and I saw it was the doctor ringing me back.  I had also broken down in his office when he simply asked me how I was.  Although people ask you this all the time, they really don't want to know, but of course, this person actually wanted to know, how I was, and why I had come to see him.  That alone, sent me into a flood of tears. 

Seeing his name on my phone sent me into a panic.  I had only had the blood taken the day before and he has never rung me back with results in the past.  I knew it had to be serious.  I ran out of class to answer his call and he advised me that my iron levels were once again bottomed out, lower than ever before and he was suggesting an iron infusion to quickly restore my levels.  My head was spinning as he told me that everything else was ok and all other results showed similar readings to last year, so no major changes and nothing to worry about. 

Relieved, I agreed to have the iron infusion and returned to class.  In the break, I was again overcome with emotion.  Mainly from relief that there wasn't any major diagnosis or concerns.  But the question still haunted me, "why are my iron levels so low all the time, when my diet is so good".  I knew the herbs I was taking had strong levels of iron and I had started yoga classes to help with stress.  My lecturer saw my distress and asked if I was alright and could she help with anything.  As a natural health practitioner herself, I was keen for her input.  Immediately after looking at my blood test she told me to look into "Pyrrole Disorder".  I quickly looked up the signs and symptoms and body mechanisms that surround this disorder and I felt like I was reading about myself.  The emotional outbursts, the "anger episodes", intolerance, fatigue, iron deficiency, it all started to make perfect sense.  I contacted my natural practitioner and explained my findings and he too agreed with the diagnosis.  I contacted the GP and explained that I would like to be tested for this disorder, but alas, he had never heard of the condition and "needed to do more research before he would agree to the testing".  This astounds me, as the test would be paid for by myself as it is not covered under Medicare, so why does he have to "approve it"?  Needless to say, he has not gotten back to me. 

With three lectures on Fridays, I had the opportunity to briefly mention this disorder to three different natural health practitioners and they all agreed that this was a possibility based on my signs and symptoms and the trauma that I have been through in recent years.  I decided I would start supplementation straight away, which included a specific form of zinc and B6 as well as strong Vit C to help with iron absorption as well and amino acids and Vit E.  The following week I had the iron infusion and expected to feel better within days, but as yet, that has not happened, even though some 8 days have now passed.  But there are some improvements.  My head is starting to feel clearer and I am now sleeping really well, better than ever actually.  And I am feeling calmer and not so agitated and angry at everyone who seems completely incompetent.  I still have a long way to go, but hey, the body takes time to heal itself so I have to be patient.  The thought that I may once again feel good, enjoy exercising, lose weight and regain a zest for life a real possibility now.  I hang on to that dream as I continue to plod through lectures, texts books and research papers and hope that my brain function kicks in soon enough to allow me to pass mid-semester exams which are very close indeed!!

Post Number 62 - The Holidays Are Over

I can't believe I start back at College tomorrow after 3 wonderful months of freedom from books, research papers, assignments and exams.  I have never had such a long break from study but I am so glad that I had this opportunity, as I have never needed it more.

Sebastian started school four weeks ago and has settled in to his new routines, however, after such an amazing year last year, with a young dynamic teacher, the road hasn't been totally smooth.  I have also been struggling with his new teachers and their methods and have already had a few strong words to say about it.

That said, Sebastian takes it all in his stride, with grace and maturity, just as I knew he would.  He starts playing a school sport (basketball) for the first time this year, which is also exciting and a new beginning for him.

Meanwhile, I have been continuing with my long "To Do" list at home.  It seems I cross one item off the list and add two more!  Some days I wonder how long I can keep this up for, and other days I just "get on with it".  One of my biggest achievements was the conversion of Sebastian's old cubby house into a chicken coop.  Constructing new doors, making a perch and installing a shelf and creating two nesting boxes, just part of the fun.  The best part was being able to reuse old bits and pieces for a truly zero cost project.  Even the paint was left over from other projects.  I became quite obsessed with it and loved the opportunity to actually build something practical.  The fact that I did most of it by myself, also very satisfying and left me asking questions like, "Would I have done this if Mark was still here?  Probably not", "Would he have agreed to this project? Possibly not" yet it all went so smoothly, I can't help but believe there was some "divine intervention". 
 



Another project close to my heart, and my stomach, is our ever evolving vegetable garden.  For years we have built, rebuilt and worked on trying to grow our own food, with very little success.  Whether it be soil quality, not enough sun, too much sun, dogs, cats, rats or possums, there has always been something stopping us reaping an abundance of freshly grown food. This year I came really close to my dream of abundance, only to have it ruined practically overnight by rats.  The netting that I had installed at the beginning of the season, simply chewed through.  Determined to succeed, I began designing and buying materials to completely close in the garden, like a big cage.  It's been ten years since we started trying to grow food, so I can't give up now.  With some assistance from family visitors from Mt Gambier, we made the appropriate upgrades and began the caging in process.  While it's not yet finished, I'm confident that this will work.  IT HAS TO WORK!!!

Another project that I had been putting off, was changing computers.  Mark's computer, a Microsoft Surface Pro, just collecting dust, while I continued to use his old hand-me-down.  I made the decision that it was time to utilise this amazing piece of technology that will allow me to take a full blown laptop into college, while also being light weight and useable as a tablet.  This also meant bringing in all the equipment from his old office into my office and completely changing how I work-with the end-goal being a big improvement to my working conditions.

I'm proud to say, I completed this in much less time that anticipated and without any external assistance.  With such a complex network setup and user profile setup, the risk of things not working correctly on the new machine quite high, but again, with some more divine intervention, most things worked themselves out rather quickly and my stress levels were kept at manageable levels.

So with all these success stories, why do I feel so down on the world?  Is the grief really taking hold now? I try to make my life fun and yet I just feel numb.  My tolerance levels are at an all-time low. Whether it be teachers, other drivers on the road, retail assistants or general public in the supermarket, I just want to tell the world to "bugger off".  My weight continues to grow no matter how much I watch what I eat.  I began exercising, only to slump back into feeling too flat to get out of bed early enough.  I try to remain optimistic as I continue to work with my practitioner, but it is so soul destroying every time I step on the scales.  This adds to my bad moods and short fuse as well as the hot weather and the anxiety of starting back at College, knowing I have at least one really difficult subject to get through.  I try to give myself positive encouragement and pat myself on the back when I achieve things and realise that this is my life now.  I have to do this all myself.  I can't show off what I have done or even talk to anyone about it as people genuinely either don't understand or just have their own things happening in their lives and are not really that interested.  I'm not meaning to sound bitter, but it's true.  While people might want to know general things like "how are you going", they don't really want to know when you might be struggling or sad or just want someone to show what you have achieved. If you say anything other than, "not bad thanks" or "ok, how about you?" they freak out!

Sometimes I worry about my close relationship with Sebastian.  While I try hard to not involve him in adult problems or conversations, he is there.  He listens, he understands me and he is my best friend.  I know that sounds wrong, but who else really cares that much? I ask him each day, how his day was at school and he generally asks me how my day was.  Too often, I hear myself say, "it was ok, nothing exciting, quite boring actually". Am I really being a good role model?  In many ways, yes I am, but there is always doubt that is ready to creep in when I feel myself being so negative.

For now, I will drink my herbs and take a deep breath; gather my books and hit the classroom and hope for great lecturers, a clear head and a focussed mind as I put one foot in front of the other, and continue to take one day at a time.

Post Number 61 – Summer Holidays

Christmas seemed to come and go in a flash and quite honestly, I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  I grew more and more depressed about Christmas and did the bare necessities to get through it for Sebastian’s sake.  The tree was erected and a new front door decoration was made, but all other decorations stayed in the boxes.  As Christmas drew near, it seemed clear that either no one goes to the effort of sending Christmas cards anymore, or no one cared to send us one.  It has been a tradition in our household for many years to write cards to all our family and friends and include a little letter which summed up our year.  Often Mark would write the letter and I continued the tradition over the last few years.  Our lounge room would be a mass of cards and many would express how they loved receiving our card and letter each year.  But this year the room remained absent of cards, with the exception of those brought home by Sebastian.  He sat and wrote out 17 cards for all his school friends, but still I could not summon the energy or Christmas spirit to continue our tradition. 

The depression grew deeper as my body continued to gain weight.  I couldn’t get out of bed and my body was in constant pain from every muscle and joint.  I felt constantly tired, alone and unloved and wondered if anyone would notice (except Sebastian) if I just slipped away.  I tried to push through it by painting my kitchen and continue with my huge list of things to do before Christmas, but eventually, I just couldn’t go on.  I contacted my now ex-lecturer.  It was due to him that I continued with my studies.  I loved his lectures so much and he always told amazing stories of sickness and healing.  I had already referred many people to him as I knew he could help them and he wouldn’t charge them the earth as so many practitioners do.  He was also seeing my Mum as her shingles still hadn’t resolved after more than twelve months.  He explained to me what my body was doing and what we needed to do to help it to heal.  Stress creates hormones which signal the body to hold weight.  Muscles tighten, heart races and the body eventually becomes exhausted and depression sets in.  Welcome to grief!!

With only days before Christmas, I had a sudden burst of Christmas spirit and I decided I really wanted to continue our tradition.  I wrote the letter, reviewed our last card list and removed many people from the list and yet, added many new names.  It was depressing to see that all of Mark’s friends have never contacted me since his passing, never invited us to a BBQ, never offered to take Sebastian on an outing and never asked if I was okay.  I always felt that his friends had not accepted me and I guess I am not surprised that I have been excluded from their lives. 

Being a member of a young widows support group has been my saviour on so many levels and I know this situation is all too common.  Why is that? Why are “we” now so difficult and uncomfortable to be around?  My whole life I have felt that I “don’t fit in”.  Although born in Australia, my heritage is German.  My entire family lives in Germany, except of course, my mother.  My father died when I was two and I know very little about him or his family.  So I never really felt that I belonged in Australia.  I feel comfortable in Germany, yet, I don’t belong there either.  I was raised in the city, yet I feel comfortable in the country!  In most social groups, I always felt awkward and unable to say the right things as I am not generally one to follow the status quo.  I don’t like football or cricket, so immediately, I am unable to join in many conversations about sport. 

I have many flaws and Mark knew them all and yet, he loved me anyway.  He knew me better than I knew myself and yet, his love for me never faulted.  Never had I felt such unconditional love, the ability to just be myself and know that I would not be judged for it.  That feeling is priceless and what I miss the most.  Often I wonder if I have said the wrong thing or forgotten something important to someone or somehow reacted inappropriately.  I believe all humans need to feel a part of something, to be needed and to be loved and accepted for who they are.  Pretending to be someone you are not only brings heartbreak and false happiness.

Since becoming a widow I have found some comfort and a place of belonging in several places.  Firstly, at college.  I feel I can openly talk about food in our society, chemicals in our food, air and water environment and medical practices, without being judged, ridiculed or labelled as extreme.  Our studies all involve examining scientific research and we all learn the mechanisms of body systems, the biology and chemistry around how our bodies react to these factors.

Secondly, within the grief group. Another place where I seem to be accepted and embraced for who I am and I can openly express how I feel and instantly be understood as others share similar experiences.   I continue to form friendships and feel relaxed most of the time.  Through members of this group I have found opportunities to laugh, cry and have fun on a social level, something that I don’t seem to find anywhere else. 

Lastly, oddly enough, in Mt Gambier.  After years of not understanding the Thompsons and them not understanding me, I feel that on some level, we seemed to have met in the middle.  Mark’s passing seemed to have brought us all together, with Sebastian being the main focus.  We have just returned from seven days away in the Limestone coast and neither of us wanted to leave.

Mark’s father and brother took Sebastian on many adventures and taught him some new skills including fishing at the river, riding a quad bike, mowing the lawns with a ride-on mower and taking him to the speedway.  We also looked at museums, caves, the Blue Lake pumping station and swam in the Millicent swimming lake.  We managed to survive getting lost in the bush / pine forest region while attempting what should have been an easy and exciting butterfly walk.  Indeed our time away was exciting, fun and rich. It was one of our best times away and as I hugged my father-in-law goodbye and drove out of his driveway in the old girl, the tears flowed.  The holiday was over and my gratitude to this family indescribable.  We had stayed with an auntie and uncle in Pt MacDonnell, and we often cooked meals to reduce the cost of our time away. Daily “Happy Hour” would bring opportunities to talk about our adventures over a glass of wine, often resulting in lots of fun and laughter.  We felt so happy and welcomed there, like we belong, and as we left the main streets and entered the highway to home, Sebastian’s tears flowed.  No words were spoken and we simply handed each other tissues while continuing our journey home.

We now have one more week of time together before school starts for him again and we have enjoyed every moment of our time together.  It often saddens me when I heard parents say that they can’t wait for school to go back. I know the relationship I have with Sebastian is different to most parent and child relationships, but it’s still uncomfortable to hear.  We genuinely enjoy each other’s company and we find balance in our days.  I’m sure the tears will once again flow when the time comes to take him to school once again, in a new classroom with a new teacher.  But until then, we will enjoy our last days together, continuing our adventures and fun in the sun.